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Seeking clarity about a relationship

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 47 total)
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  • #427461
    GoingThroughLife
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I hope you’re doing well. Again thank you for your thoughtful reply.

    1. So, we push away that which we are afraid of

    I agree with you but how should I deal with this? Ik there may not be a chance with SK now, im not hoping for it, but i want to be ready for the future.

    2. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear

    I know, i never blamed myself for this, I even apologised to SK and she understands that its my pain point. But still I am filled with regret and resentment thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should i let go of this regret?

    3. This makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.

    Maybe you’re right. She is subconsiously seeking support. Even when she started dating she told me that after some time she’s getting some support.

    4. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs

    Thank you for this thought, I never thought of my unmet needs this way. I’ll be more mindful of them in the future

    5. Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone)

    My emotions were always numbed with SK. i refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I bursted out with anger sometimes too. But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself too her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more and I though i would fall really deeply for simran. I had FOMO.

    6. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?

    Honestly i dont know. But now if i think about it I would be really scared and confused of it and I would’nt know what to do.

    7. do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better

    They were mostly when we are in bed and it was like cuddling. It always felt nice but with time as i grew up they started getting less, especially after the domestic violence incident in 2014.

    8. is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?

    Maybe, but my father never did this. With age now he does depend on me much more now

    9. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?

    Yes, thank you for opening my eyes anita, she was groped sexually when she was very young, I never thought it can effect her this way, because apart from sex she has always been really sexual. Even it was not sex we did other stuff. She told me that that incident made her feel more sexual.

    10. do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?

    Sometimes I do feel this, maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never seeked emotional dependence apart from the times when i was bullied and cried in front of my father.

    11. Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds.

    Please share your thoughts on this.

    #427465
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life

    my parents have always been unhappy with each other and they rarely interact even after living in the same house.  This statement could well be the source of your struggles.  Ideally as a child we would see kind loving interactions between our parents and that they would also make us feel included & listened to. Unfortunately  in your formative years ,you did not experience the tools that help with the foundations of a happy healthy relationships. I am not blaming your parents, these things are often multi generational. Fortunately due to the neuroplaticity of our brains we can take steps to re -parent ourselves to enable healthy relationships in the future. The extra good news is that you are still young and you have realised that you want to actively take part in building a better future with happy dynamic relationships.

    Kind regards

    Roberta

    #427476
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life:

    You are welcome! “I agree with you but how should I deal with this?… I want to be ready for the future”, you wrote in regard to pushing away love because of fear. My answer for now: (1) become more aware of this dynamic within you, of wanting love on the one hand, and being afraid of it on the other. Get to know yourself more,  get further educated in this regard.

    (2) Develop emotion regulation skills so that when you feel distressed- in the future, when in a relationship- you will be able to calm yourself down and think rationally about the situation, correctly evaluate it before impulsively reacting to it, and make thoughtful choices.

    In regard to not accepting her love, you wrote: “I never blamed myself for this… But still I am filled with regret and resentment, thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should I let go of this regret?”-

    – To attempt to answer these questions, I need to understand the resentment part of your natural response in regard to not having accepted her love. There is anger in resentment: who were you angry with, in this context, and what was your anger about?

    “My emotions were always numbed with SK”- this seems incongruent with what you shared in your original post about the relationship with her: “It was a very passionate and lovely relationship, from the start we were really close..  the first months were really awesome..  I also fell head over heels for her“- this doesn’t read like numb emotions on your part. Can you help me understand?

    “I refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I burst out with anger sometimes too”- Again, I would like to understand your anger better: what was it about, at the time?

    “But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself to her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more… I had FOMO“- … and I would like to understand your fear-of-missing-out better: missing out on what exactly…?

    “Maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never sought emotional dependence apart from the times when I was bullied and cried in front of my father“-

    – when you sought emotional help from your father (acting emotional dependent on him, in that one time),  after having been bullied in school, when you cried in front of him… how did he react? Did he shame you for crying?

    When SK sought emotional help from you, acting emotionally dependent on you, did it make you angry that she is.. allowing herself a privilege that was denied from you: the privilege to act weak, dependent?

    “Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds”- would you like to elaborate on that experience, what happened after those few seconds…?

    anita

    #428930
    GoingThroughLife
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I’m getting in touch with your through this forum after a long time. Hope you’re doing well and good.

    I have been feeling much better and started working on myself and my insecurities and already feel a lot better. I can say I have moved on from SK and now I think about it, it all was for good.

    I was hoping to get clarity about another relationship with someone I dated after SK, mentioned in my previous posts. Let’s call her EN.

    So I met EN through a dating app in September 2023 and we met only two times and then she had to go back to her hometown in another state. We stayed in touch and talked almost everyday up till December. It was nice and fun and I started to fall for her and she also started falling for me. I assumed this through the conversations we had and a few times she told me how she felt.

    We made plans to meet, I would visit her hometown in December. She’s still in college. Around November end she started to fade away from our conversations because she had her exams on the dates I planned to visit her. So she explained me it’s best to stop talking and I was not sure about it so I agreed to it then. Now it’s been a few months since we last talked and I miss her and the conversations we had. I feel like there’s a strong connection there but I don’t know how to text her or whether I should text her or not.

    Although she is really attractive and I don’t find myself as attractive as her physically. In confident that I’m consistently working on myself and feeling better and confident.

    My motive to get in touch with EN is not because of my insecurities and attachment problems but because I actually felt a really strong pure bond with her.

    Hoping for your reply Anita. Thanks again

    #428937
    anita
    Participant

    Dear GoingThroughLife:

    I would like to read your recent post (and our previous communication) Sun morning, when I am more focused than I am now. It is Sat afternoon here).

    anita

    #428968
    anita
    Participant

    Dear GoingThroughLife:

    I met EN through a dating app in September 2023 and we met only two times… Now it’s been a few months since we last talked and I miss her and the conversations we had. I feel like there’s a strong connection there but I don’t know how to text her or whether I should text her or not… My motive to get in touch with EN is not because of my insecurities and attachment problems but because I actually felt a really strong pure bond with her“-

    – I like it that you clarified your motivation in considering texting EN. I hope that you do text her (or perhaps you already did, since yesterday), but prepare yourself ahead of time to the possibility that you text her and she tells you that she is not interested (this is a risk almost every guy takes, if not every guy!), and prepare- if she is interested- to take it slow, very slow, to get to know each other patiently, honestly, openly, bit by bit. No rushing and no getting stuck in emotions.

    I hope that you will let me know how it goes.

    anita

     

    #428999
    GoingThroughLife
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I haven’t texted her yet. Don’t know how to start the conversation with her, whether I should just write a whole paragraph and send her or to first ask about casual stuff first.

    I’ll tell you what I’m confused about. While breaking up she told me that because of the distance and the timings, its better we stop talking, after that I talked to her a bit and not much. Then after a few days she texted me she met someone else ( even though I know that she was lying because she does not generally date in her hometown). At that moment I accepted it, because I didn’t want to beg someone to stay or to accept me. I let it go and stopped talking to her. She hoped we could stay friends but I refused and said if I want to be friends I’ll reach out. It’s been almost 3 months since we talked and still I can’t get rid of these feelings. These feelings scare me but the though about her makes me smile a lot. I think that happens when you really like someone.

    What I’m confused about are my intentions to text her, I think I just want to let her know my feelings just in case I wasn’t clear when we were dating. It’s a risk that I’m willing to take even though I’m kind of putting my respect on the line. I don’t expect a relationship from her as I also think it would be really hard given the distance.

    Hope you will let me know your thoughts Anita. Thanks again

    #429000
    GoingThroughLife
    Participant

    I’m also in no rush to text her. In my mind it’s like it won’t matter when I text, if someone wants to stay in my life they will no matter when is the text sent or what’s it about.

    #429002
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life:

    You are welcome and thank you for being so nice, gracious, I appreciate it!

    “While breaking up she told me that because of the distance and the timings, it’s better we stop talking, after that I talked to her a bit and not much. Then after a few days she texted me she met someone else…. she was lying”-

    – putting the long-distance factor aside for a moment, what I boldfaced above could be, maybe, her excuses for not having continued the relationship with you. Being that women are the ones traditionally pursued, it is often that when rejecting men who pursue them, women come up with tactful, untrue reasons aimed at sparing the pursuer’s feelings and avoiding a confrontation. In this case, she may have been saying (paraphrased): I am not interested in talking with you, not because I don’t like this or that about you, but because of the distance and wrong timing, nothing to do with you! 2nd time, perhaps wanting to get the message across to you more clearly, she told you that she met someone else.

    She hoped we could stay friends“- this could have been part of the rejection-package, so to speak. When rejecting a man’s advances, most women are careful about not hurting the man’s feelings, not just, or necessarily because of being kind, but so to not incur a man’s anger, not wanting the man angry at them.

    But she could have meant it, I don’t know. And she may be a kind, honest (and tactful) person, and mature enough to understand the disadvantages of a long-distance relationship.

    I feel like there’s a strong connection there… I actually felt a really strong pure bond with her… It’s been almost 3 months since we talked and still I can’t get rid of these feelings. These feelings scare me but the though about her makes me smile a lot. I think that happens when you really like someone“- no doubts you have strong, positive feelings for her. But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months, not same intensity, and your attention was often elsewhere. Same is true to her, her feelings don’t stay the same.

    Your current feelings for her are not any kind of evidence that she is feeling the same, or similarly. I know that you are aware of what I just typed, but I am stating this because there is a subconscious belief in these feelings (of longing for another person),  that they are feeling the same. There is no basis in reality to this belief.

    Although she is really attractive and I don’t find myself as attractive as her physically. In confident that I’m consistently working on myself and feeling better and confident….Don’t know how to start the conversation with her, whether I should just write a whole paragraph and send her or to first ask about casual stuff first… I’m kind of putting my respect on the line“-

    – if you send her a casual short message, like how are you?, she’d probably figure that you are pursuing the (long-distance) romantic relationship that you had with her, and that you re pursuing it in a timid, least risky way. What if you write her a long-enough paragraph where you present yourself not as a timid man who’s afraid to be rejected, but as a strong, confident man who can take rejection?

    This would be a unique approach that can give you an advantage over the competition (assuming she is not in a relationship currently)- a man who comes across differently from others. This can make you look attractive in her eyes. It is an attitude that can attract other women to you.

    In this paragraph, you can tell her how you feel about her, what you like about her, and what you would like from her, given the long-distance factor, and ask her if it suits her. Be honest, direct, straight forward and caring (for her well-being), all at the same time. What do you have to lose with this approach?

    anita

    #430181
    GoingThroughLife
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks again for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it.

    Yes I do understand this tactic and i dont really appreciate it, its better to be truthful or honest like you dont feel a connection or the long distance is bothering me.

    But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months, not same intensity, and your attention was often elsewhere. Same is true to her, her feelings don’t stay the same.

    I am sorry I could not understand what you were trying to say here.

    There is no basis in reality to this belief.

    I agree, all I can do is express my viewpoint one last time and hope for the best irrespective of what her reply is.

    What do you have to lose with this approach?

    I agree with this approach and at this point I got nothing to lose but I dont want to come off as desperate, so I am just trying to frame the right message which conveys what I feel in my mind and heart. Not good at writing or expressing my feelings, lol.

    I am not in a rush to text her. I need to first clear in mind if I want her as a friend right now given the long distance or ask her if we can reconnect romantically. Whenever I have the answer clear. Ill surely text her.

    Waiting for your reply patiently Anita. Thanks again

    #430183
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life:

    You are very welcome!

    My sentence (“But these feelings were not as strong throughout the 3 months..”) explained: feelings don’t stay the same, they change every day, so, let’s say you catch her at 12 pm, she’s busy, otherwise occupied, and she sounds like she doesn’t have any feelings for you; you catch her at 6 pm, she is not busy, had a hot shower, listening to romantic music ..and she thinks of you romantically. Feelings change over the course of weeks and months as well.

    I need to first clear in mind if I want her as a friend right now given the long distance or ask her if we can reconnect romantically. Whenever I have the answer clear. Ill surely text her“- good plan!

    I agree with this approach and at this point I got nothing to lose but I don’t want to come off as desperate, so I am just trying to frame the right message which conveys what I feel in my mind and heart. Not good at writing or expressing my feelings, lol“- you can put together a first draft for a message, here on your thread, and I’ll be glad to give you editing suggestions.

    anita

    #430383
    GoingThroughLife
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks again for your thoughtful reply and I hope you’re doing well.

    I think I’m more clear of what I’d like. I think it’s better to stay as friends with EN (assuming she agrees) given the long distance. And I have framed a message and your thoughts on it would be appreciated.

    Text –

    Hey EN, well as every text starts, hope you’re doing well and etc etc. I’ll get straight to the point, you were on my mind recently for quite some time. I really enjoyed the conversations we had over the phone and I miss them. I know given the long distance thing you chose not to pursue it further and well the “you met someone else” lie was tactful, still I think it’s better to reach out and ask if you want to connect over call or something to catch up, let me know. And ik the disadvantages of a long distance relationship, but it’s never easy to find a genuine connection, hell it’s really hard. So I’m grateful we got connected, let’s try to stay in touch then if you feel the same.

    Waiting for your reply patiently Anita. Thanks

    #430385
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life:

    You are welcome!

    well as every text starts, hope you’re doing well and etc. etc.“- I wouldn’t include this sentence. I’d start with Hey EN, how are you? or, if you prefer, Hey EN, I hope you are well (or okay).

    and well the ‘you met someone else’ lie was tactful“- I definitely wouldn’t include this part, it’s confrontational and it will significantly decrease the chances of her responding to you positively, if at all.

    I’ll get straight to the point“- I wouldn’t include this either. Instead, I’d just get straight to the point.

    I would add to the text the important part: your goal to be friends with her. Edited, I suggest this version (for your editing):

    “Hey EN, I hope you are well. You were on my mind recently. I really enjoyed the conversations we had over the phone and I miss them. I miss the genuine connection I felt we had, a kind of connection that’s hard to find.

    I know, given the long distance thing you chose not to pursue a relationship further, and I understand and accept your choice. Still, I think it’s better to reach out and ask if you want to connect over call or something to catch up, as friends only.  Let’s try to stay in touch, if you feel the same.”

    anita

    #430511
    GoingThroughLife
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks again. I sent the above message with some small modifications. Sadly, she isn’t looking forward to a friendship, saying her new boyfriend may feel uncomfortable. I didn’t force her to think again and I’m accepting the situation. I had strong and have really positive feelings about her but looks like it’s time for something better.

    #430530
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Going Through Life:

    You are welcome. The good thing about the latest interaction with her (you sending her the message and her responding) is that you got the information you needed and “clarity about a relationship” (in the title of your thread), or better say, clarity about the possibility of a relationship with EN.

    If you didn’t send her a message at all, you’d be wondering if there’s a chance with her. If you sent her a message accusing her of lying about meeting someone else (in your original draft of the message), and she didn’t respond positively, you might have wondered if the reason was your accusation.

    Since you sent an appropriate, non-accusatory, fair message, you can trust that you received clear and definite response.

    I’m accepting the situation. I had strong and have really positive feelings about her but looks like it’s time for something better.“- I very much like your attitude and optimism! I am looking forward to be reading about you being in a good relationship, soon enough.

    anita

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