January 31, 2024 at 8:53 pm #427461GoingThroughLifeParticipant
Hi Anita, I hope you’re doing well. Again thank you for your thoughtful reply.
1. So, we push away that which we are afraid of
I agree with you but how should I deal with this? Ik there may not be a chance with SK now, im not hoping for it, but i want to be ready for the future.
2. But you do know, don’t you, that it was not your choice to not accept her love. It was a natural, physiological reaction to fear
I know, i never blamed myself for this, I even apologised to SK and she understands that its my pain point. But still I am filled with regret and resentment thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should i let go of this regret?
3. This makes me think that she needed love that’s expressed through words and non-physical attention.
Maybe you’re right. She is subconsiously seeking support. Even when she started dating she told me that after some time she’s getting some support.
4. It is impossible to meet the needs of an adult whose needs were not met in childhood because needs that were unmet for so long, are very intense needs
Thank you for this thought, I never thought of my unmet needs this way. I’ll be more mindful of them in the future
5. Your numbed hurt and fear woke up in the context of the relationship with SK. (Numbed emotions are still there, they are not dead or gone)
My emotions were always numbed with SK. i refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I bursted out with anger sometimes too. But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself too her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more and I though i would fall really deeply for simran. I had FOMO.
6. What does a 13-year-old boy think and feel when he sees his mother cry a lot?
Honestly i dont know. But now if i think about it I would be really scared and confused of it and I would’nt know what to do.
7. do you remember the circumstances of those hugs: did you hug her when she cried a lot, to make her feel better, and/ or did she hug you when you were upset, to make you feel better
They were mostly when we are in bed and it was like cuddling. It always felt nice but with time as i grew up they started getting less, especially after the domestic violence incident in 2014.
8. is this partly the reason why your mother hugged you a lot? Did she or your father turn to you- or to a sibling of yours- for the attention and interactions that they were lacking in their marriage?
Maybe, but my father never did this. With age now he does depend on me much more now
9. Maybe it happened to SK before she met you that she was touched sexually when all she wanted was to be touched affectionally, and … maybe that’s what was behind her rejecting you sexually at one point?
Yes, thank you for opening my eyes anita, she was groped sexually when she was very young, I never thought it can effect her this way, because apart from sex she has always been really sexual. Even it was not sex we did other stuff. She told me that that incident made her feel more sexual.
10. do you feel that you did not accept SK for who she is and/ or that she did not accept you for who you are?
Sometimes I do feel this, maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never seeked emotional dependence apart from the times when i was bullied and cried in front of my father.
11. Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds.
Please share your thoughts on this.February 1, 2024 at 2:11 am #427465RobertaParticipant
Dear Going Through Life
my parents have always been unhappy with each other and they rarely interact even after living in the same house. This statement could well be the source of your struggles. Ideally as a child we would see kind loving interactions between our parents and that they would also make us feel included & listened to. Unfortunately in your formative years ,you did not experience the tools that help with the foundations of a happy healthy relationships. I am not blaming your parents, these things are often multi generational. Fortunately due to the neuroplaticity of our brains we can take steps to re -parent ourselves to enable healthy relationships in the future. The extra good news is that you are still young and you have realised that you want to actively take part in building a better future with happy dynamic relationships.
RobertaFebruary 1, 2024 at 8:40 am #427476anitaParticipant
Dear Going Through Life:
You are welcome! “I agree with you but how should I deal with this?… I want to be ready for the future”, you wrote in regard to pushing away love because of fear. My answer for now: (1) become more aware of this dynamic within you, of wanting love on the one hand, and being afraid of it on the other. Get to know yourself more, get further educated in this regard.
(2) Develop emotion regulation skills so that when you feel distressed- in the future, when in a relationship- you will be able to calm yourself down and think rationally about the situation, correctly evaluate it before impulsively reacting to it, and make thoughtful choices.
In regard to not accepting her love, you wrote: “I never blamed myself for this… But still I am filled with regret and resentment, thinking things could have been different. How should I deal with this natural response of mine? and how should I let go of this regret?”-
– To attempt to answer these questions, I need to understand the resentment part of your natural response in regard to not having accepted her love. There is anger in resentment: who were you angry with, in this context, and what was your anger about?
“My emotions were always numbed with SK”- this seems incongruent with what you shared in your original post about the relationship with her: “It was a very passionate and lovely relationship, from the start we were really close.. the first months were really awesome.. I also fell head over heels for her“- this doesn’t read like numb emotions on your part. Can you help me understand?
“I refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I burst out with anger sometimes too”- Again, I would like to understand your anger better: what was it about, at the time?
“But deep in my heart I felt all those emotions fully. I regret not expressing myself to her in the moment. I think I was also scared of not getting to explore more… I had FOMO“- … and I would like to understand your fear-of-missing-out better: missing out on what exactly…?
“Maybe I was not okay with the emotional dependence she brought in the relationship, because I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young. I never sought emotional dependence apart from the times when I was bullied and cried in front of my father“-
– when you sought emotional help from your father (acting emotional dependent on him, in that one time), after having been bullied in school, when you cried in front of him… how did he react? Did he shame you for crying?
When SK sought emotional help from you, acting emotionally dependent on you, did it make you angry that she is.. allowing herself a privilege that was denied from you: the privilege to act weak, dependent?
“Another experience to add, when I was young, I think around 8 years old, my bigger sister and mother got into an argument which ended with my mother choking me for a few seconds”- would you like to elaborate on that experience, what happened after those few seconds…?