Dear Anita,

“She shared with you, paraphrased, that she’s been suffering from depression, that her energy is limited, and therefore she has had to choose what’s important to her (her relationship, and soon: her studies), and withdraw from what is less important to her (you).”

Exactly, I thought so.

“- empathize with yourself and express some empathy for her.  But let the ones she prioritizes do most of the empathizing with her.”

For some reason, this sentence really resonated with me !

I was ready to give up on our friendship when she sent me a text yesterday, thanking me for our evening and saying that she was glad that I seemed to live a happy life (I talked about my new friends/hobbies).She also apologized for “not talking much.”

I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because I realized at this moment, how oblivious she was to my feelings.

So, I told her that she didn’t have to apologize. I explained that the awkward silences were due to the fact that I felt uncomfortable during our interaction since I didn’t know what to say nor how to behave.

She asked me what I meant by that. And I replied that things changed since she met her boyfriend and as a result, we drifted apart. Of course, I said that I was happy that she was in a fulfilling relationship.

She replied that indeed, she had not been available this past year and that she was truly sorry.

She said that she completely understood my point and that she would start to make more efforts in the future in order to solve this because she cared about our friendship.

She added that if at some point, I felt that we drifted apart, I could tell her because she wasn’t good at handling many things at a time but she didn’t want to think that she was fading away.

Then, we agreed that it was a good thing we talked this out and we planned our next hangout next week.

So in some way, I feel relieved ?

I think that she’s genuinely sorry and the future will tell how it turns out.

Hello 🙂

I have some news.

I just went home from my friend’s house ! We spent the evening together sipping tea.

I was talking about how I was juggling my hobbies, work and social life.

And then she mentioned that because of her depression (she was diagnosed 8 years ago) she didn’t have a large bandwidth to handle different things at the time : everyday tasks, like cooking, cleaning, etc required a lot of efforts and as a result, she didn’t do much.

She added that right now, she was focusing on her relationship because it was still new and very important to her and when she would go back to university, her priority would shift to her studies (understandable) !

That makes perfect sense.

The thing is, I felt deeply uncomfortable the whole time. There were many awkward silences, I withheld a tons of informations and funny anecdotes about my life … I just didn’t feel close to her anymore and didn’t feel like confiding in her !

There was no more vulnerability, it was as if something was broken. I offered her her birthday present, which in hindsight was way too expensive, knowing the way she’s been treating me.

I felt like I was pretending, pretending to be okay whereas I felt really hurt about the changes in our friendship.

So right now, I am wondering if I should talk to her about how I feel like we drifted apart or if I should let this go, especially as she is doing the best she can with her depression !

I don’t know if I should emphasize with her … or myself ?

On one hand, I feel like talking to her is a way of respecting myself and our friendship.

On the other, I am wondering if I am not being selfish/self-centered, bringing up my issues knowing very well she struggles with her mental health !

I don’t think she’s ill-intentioned.

I think she’s genuinely struggling.

Any help is appreciated 🙂

Dear Helcat,

“It is very kind of you to rewrite a message because it was in moderation. Thank you for your efforts! “

Thank you for reading and helping me.

“Ah so there was a reason for the visit with your friend so it doesn’t hurt as much.”

Exactly !

Thank you for your compassion.

Yes, it has been hard but I feel like I am handling things better now because I don’t hurt as much as in the beginning.

The pain often fluctuates and is intertwined with genuine happiness when I interact with my new friends and throw myself into new hobbies !

I am so sorry that your friendship had to end, it’s very painful when things become one-sided ! I am happy that you had some closure and I hope you this friendship breakup does not affect you in a negative way anymore !

“Do you feel nervous about sending the message because it might end the relationship? Quite a high chance in the scenarios mentioned by Anita.”

Yes, I feel very anxious and I am reminded of the fact that I somewhat shared my feelings with her in February, even though it was in an indirect way.

Plus, I am currently in a good mood because I am going to a few events in the following days with my new friends. So in a way, I am scared that sending this text will send me back in a dark place.

But don’t worry, I know it’s unhealthy to think like this because even though I feel good at the moment, the problem remains unsolved and my feelings haven’t been heard, at least not like the message I wrote here.

“If you are looking for a potentially more positive outcome vulnerability can be good as people respond to it positively. It might look something like.”

Thank you so much, it’s an amazing suggestion !

I will think about it !

Dear Anita,

“So, you see, I didn’t advise you against talking to her/ sharing your feelings with her. I expressed a wish that you were emotionally okay with letting it go because actions speak louder than words. and her actions in the last year include repeatedly  taking 12 days or more to reply to your texts.”

Sorry, I misinterpreted your reply. I understand better now 🙂

“Here are a few possibilities as to when/ how she replies to your message, and perhaps you can prepare yourself to these possibilities: (1) she may take 12 days or more to reply; she may reply on the same day, or anywhere in between,”

Thank you for your thoughtfulness, I am aware of these possibilities : if she takes days to reply, I guess I will have my answer.

“she may reply saying something like this: oh, I am so sorry, I was so wrapped up in my relationship that I neglected our friendship and keeping it separate from my relationship. I am  inviting you to meet my boyfriends and his/ our friends for a cookout on (date). Would you like that?“

It would seem quite sudden, especially as we haven’t really been emotionally close in a long time. I think I would need some time one on one to rebuilt the friendship. Does that make sense ?

“she may get defensive, saying something like: well, I’ve been very busy, I can’t be everything for everyone!”

“she may reply but ignore the content of your message.”

In both cases, I will give up on the friendship.

Sometimes, I think the last one is the most likely to happen.

But I will find some peace in the fact that I have tried the best I could to salvage our friendship.

Sorry, I realize I didn’t complete a sentence.

I wanted to say : “I feel like what we have now is a shell of what it used to be

Dear Helcat,

Thank you so much !

Yes, it could be the result of her being in an unhealthy relationship. But she has another close friend who lives 5 hours away. She had to visit our city a few times since January and I know they saw each other. I am not certain this friend had met her boyfriend, but I have faith that if there was anything fishy going on, this friend would have noticed ! I am saying this because she’s a really intelligent, protective and assertive person and she has a strong personality.

So it’s as if I am relying on her to keep an eye on my friend. I don’t know if that makes sense ?

It is true that we never know how things are underneath the surface. I sincerely hope that she is in a happy and fulfilling relationship, I prefer her to be blissfully in love and ignoring me, than knowing she’s stuck in an abusive relationship.

“After 15 years of close friendship, I bet she misses you and is aware of the drifting. For whatever reason, she is holding back. I will add that people who aren’t cared about aren’t texted at all. Perhaps there is a fear that the relationship will drift even more in the future?”

I don’t necessarily think she does not care about me at all.  Just that her relationship took precedence over everything in her life and that she does not view me as important as before.

When you talk about this fear, are you referring to mine or hers ?

“It is healthy to invest your time and energies in people who invest in you. I’m glad that focusing on that is helping.”

Thank you.

So would you personally advise me anything to do besides this ?

Thanks again ! 🙂

Anita,

Thank you for your reply, it was painful to read but necessary and eye-opening.

It’s true that since she spends all of her free time with him and his friends, I don’t feel like I am a part of her world anymore !

When I saw her, I remember she mentioned that she went out of her way so that her boyfriend’s friends would appreciate her : one of his friends didn’t like her, so she bought him his favorite snack etc …

So yes, I think you are very right !

I remember that when she mentioned this, I felt like you said, that she did that to solidify his relationship with him. She was more caring towards his friends than me lol.

Anyway, to reply to your last sentence : I value the friendship we used to have. We talk too sporadically now, I think, to be considered close friends ?

Also, she rarely confides in me now. Just last may, we used to text at least twice a week, sharing our deepest thoughts or random things that happened in our day to day lives. We hung out as well and we always had a great time.

Now, we are less close. I don’t even know how I can be here for her because she does not seem to confide in me. The conversation is more shallow, I don’t know much about her relationship, she does not give me any updates about her life (meeting her in laws, traveling with him etc …).

I always learn this when we catch up 6 weeks after the fact.

Sorry, I am digressing.

What I am trying to say is : I feel like she has put less efforts in this friendship, as a result, I (rightfully) did the same, and now things are different.

Would the informations I added invalidate how I am feeling ?

Sometimes, I am still doubting and thinking that I am the one who’s too high maintenance ?

Sorry, there is a lot of self-doubt in this process, especially on the rare occasions where she texts me.