Hi Airene,

Yes, I am acutely aware that a lot of our relationship revolved around caring for and supporting her. To her credit, she has always sought professional help but there were so many times where I felt that if I did not sit with her, listen to her, help her, that she would fall further into depression or hurt herself. I would love to be rid of the carer aspect in this relationship. I have tried to minimize it (short of leaving her) as I know its not a healthy basis for a relationship. She once asked me if I enjoyed this position but it has never been my wish, it has cost me so many hours.

When she became critical of our relationship, it was also a reality check for me: I had been spending a lot of hours on work, menial tasks but also caring for her. I had lost a lot of motivation to do enjoyable things for myself and actually found it very hard to think of what I enjoyed. It aligned quite well with the needs that I had lost sight of so I was personally very keen to affect a change here. I still am. I am considering starting taking evening dance classes again (this was a shared passion when we first met) as I like being among people and its also good exercise.

I’ll do my best to answer your question what I am looking for in a relationship: an equal companionship, someone by my side to discover and share new horizons with like living in another country or travelling around the world, someone to challenge me intellectually, someone who is at ease in sharing her emotions and thoughts, and finally someone who is not afraid to show her love.

In the good times, she is the person above and the reason I have stuck it out.

Regarding her behavior, I find it hard to determine if this is a new phase in her development following her depression and anxiety or if this is a change in our relationship. I could see this as being a final stage in her dealing with her past, in that she now has to accept the painful times as part of her life. Her reasoning for not telling me of the things she did is that she wanted to avoid any form of criticism on her choices/behavior. She is experiencing a ‘high’ having found a her drive and enjoying what she is doing and doesn’t want anything to drag her down. I think it’s an extreme reaction to her having regained a positive feeling and outlook in life, basically guarding this feeling even if that means pushing me away. She is putting her needs first.

Yes, she needs to figure a lot out. The hardest thing I am dealing with is what is the best course of action for me. On the one hand, I want the relationship to be as I described above. On the other hand it’s emotionally very hard.

This coldness and distant behavior started last Friday when I got back from being abroad so it’s been less that a week. The holding pattern you mention is definitely not something that I can endure for long. But how long makes sense? She has an appointment with her therapist Tuesday. I am keen to see what she will suggest. In the meanwhile I have found a number of EFT-based couples therapists and she has agreed to go to sessions with me if that matches what her therapist thinks. If it doesn’t, I am considering going alone to help me deal with my emotions.

@Mark, yes, the house is mine. I sometimes get very angry in my mind when I think what I have tolerated and thoughts of asking her to leave have certainly come to mind. On the other side, I don’t want my anger at how unfair I feel this has turned out to dictate my actions. As I mentioned, there is a lot I valued in this relationship. If it turns out that this is more than a phase, and she wants total freedom and doesn’t care if I am part of that, then that’s it for me. After 6 years, I am looking for a companion and not just a friend with benefits.

I am allowing her to control the relationship, I agree. I wish I knew what action to take. Can I demand that she touch me? It feels like asking someone to love you, its either voluntary or not.

@Abbie, I agree with you that I need to change roles. When I saw that she was becoming more able to manage her own emotions and energy, I made conscious effort to no longer play the caring/guarding role. I should probably have approached this differently but as you mention, this was the best thing I could think of short of leaving her.

Do you have advice on how to let her breathe? Do I sleep in another room and avoid being home for long periods? She has mentioned that she doesn’t know if it is better for her to stay or move out. She has said she’s just as afraid that if I am alone, I will find someone else and that her chance of regaining her love for me will be too late.