Thank you Rumi for your thoughtful response. I think you intuited well that I feel reluctant to open my pandora’s box with my husband about this situation, because of the potential for going down a dark alley with it, going into reactivity, resentment, hurt, and missing the opportunity for a real sharing of vulnerability. I think this pattern is what got us into this situation now, as we have been having a hard time meeting each other in the field beyond right and wrong, or beyond attack/blame and defense. And so he sought out this connection to share empathy, intimacy, vulnerability… where he was missing it with me. I think we have the potential to get back on track, if I can rest in tenderness, the broken-openness. I think the fear comes from my hard-wiring for dysfunction (which I drank up in my childhood), a lot of negativity between my parents, abuse and misattunement, though I did get some good attunement and love from my mom. I have a deep memory of self-compassion and can reconnect with this place (though I haven’t been practicing much in a formal way since having children and partly why I feel this deep longing for reconnecting with practice, retreat time, metta, presence). I do draw on the love I give/receive from my children, it is good to remember to drink in the love that surrounds me and make it a practice to really notice and imprint the nourishment when it’s happening.

I’d like to get your perspective on requesting limits. I don’t mind my husband’s female friendships (of which he has several), when I don’t sense any romantic hue to them. This situation now I feel uneasy with as I feel excluded from an intimacy that I sense is romantic on some level. Conclusions drawn from their confessions in the first emails, the phone bill with many late night texts, long calls, I guess the frequency of their contact which seems beyond a regular friend. All this I discovered when my husband has been away just a few days ago, before that I felt a little uneasy because I intuited something there but I didn’t know the extent of it (still I don’t really understand how my husband is feeling towards her). So I feel a need for some clarity about this, and also transparency, so that if they want to continue this type of sisterhood/brotherhood connection together, that it develops in a way that deeply respects our marriage and isn’t sheltering some hidden longings and special intimacy (that for example would be different in my presence). Also my hope is that it will cool down a bit between them, because when I think over the past few weeks it seems he is turning towards her for the emotional intimacy that we could have with one another if we make the efforts. But there is some grit to go through with that, because of our habits built up over the years and the daily stress of this period in our life. I guess my question is if you sense (being perhaps of a similar nature as my husband) you would feel oppressed if I made an actual request about the kind of intimacy they share with each other (for example keeping my presence in mind when he chooses what and how to share with her), and also if I communicated my wish (though of course it’s his decision how he chooses to act on it) that he refrain from turning to her when he’s needing some intimacy or connection, that we try to open that channel back up together. I would be happy if he even communicated to her a need to step back from their communications for a period, to let ours blossom again, but I wouldn’t ask him that, partly because I wouldn’t want to step that far into his autonomy and choice for his actions (especially respecting his great need for autonomy and freedom) and also because I wouldn’t want to build up some kind of tension and frustration that might even make their connection more intense. So I’m not sure if I should make these kinds of requests, or just focus on building the bridge back towards intimacy with each other, and if by putting the focus on their connection I may sabotage my deep intention and longing for our turning towards one another. I just feel that if they continue in this way (as they had the past few weeks) it would be really challenging for me (probably until I felt re-established in my connection with him), and I’m afraid I’d just close up as I do when I’m not feeling safe or held in my vulnerability. Like somehow the vulnerability is a bit too sharp at the moment.

I’d love to hear your thoughts… I really appreciate your sharings.