Dez,

In contrast to inkrid’s kindly intended advice, which is centered around being manipulative (again, inky!), consider that a heart to heart is often scary, but if done with compassion, can lead to very favorable outcomes. Consider that your husband has some kind of need that is being filled by this new friend. If your hearts are still connected (and it sounds like they are) then his unmet need is most likely mirroring your own unmet need. So, what’s the need? What’s yours?

So, in the heart to heart, instead of a confrontation, instead of fearing his response, just try to walk hand in hand through the issue. Consider leading with a “hmmm, something is off here, flame is burning low… what do you want in our relationship? Whats missing for you? What would you like from me?” Then, listen close, and figure out what he wants. More flirting? More oral? More sensuality? More what? Then, be willing to adapt. Not as a sacrifce, such as only he gets his desires met… if you have desires or needs that prevent youn from feeling inspired to do those things, speak your piece. Find common ground. “Ah, let’s do it… if you’ll do this, I’ll feel comfortable doing that”, “I’ll totally be into that, if you can help me with this.”

Consider that something has eroded a bit (from stress, stagnation, poor communication etc) but can be rekindled with a little effort. During the heart to heart, the main thing is to say what feels right, even if its scary. Let it out, let your fear of losing him, your love for him, your desire for his tenderness all to pour out. “You don’t do that anymore”, approached with honesty “because you don’t do that anymore.” This will build your half of the bridge of reconnection. If you can keep it as mutual as possible, such as figuring out together what is missing and what you both want to see, then you both have a great chance at being able to find common ground.

Just as a for instance, perhaps what she brings him is a feeling of refreshment, of newness, of connection. If you’ve been burdened by stress, it makes sense that your creativity has been dim lately in the romance department. A common ground might be, he spends time rubbing your feet helping you unwind, you spend time kissing his neck, helping him wind up. Or whatever sings from the heart to heart.

Consider that if he is having romantic visions of this new woman, it may be quite tortuous for him. His promises and heart clashing with his needs and desires, wanting what he can’t have, not wanting what he does have… yikes, what a mess! If you open to him, let him know you want to try to help him meet those desires in the marriage, as long as he helps you in return, then the bridge will rebuild very quickly. It is possible that you two might find you have incompatible desires, but love is brighter than desire in most beings, so if you two turn toward one another, pour out your side of things, common ground usually blossoms simply.

If the distance is a little too vast right now to feel courageous enough to reach out to him in such a way, consider asking him on a date. Instead of assuming who he is, look on him with freshness. He’s not the same man you married, he’s grown. So have you. So, get to know him a little better, throw some flirty curiosity his way and you may be surprised how relieving it will be for him to know you want him in that way.

With warmth,
Matt

Hello Dez,

I actually don’t have an advice for you, but I wanted to commend you for how calmly you are approaching the matter. I am actually kind of like your husband 🙂 I can relate to what you are saying about him. So, I am looking at this situation from another perspective, and the way that you say how you understand his needs is just really very lovely. For a freedom loving and curious person, it’s really scary to be confronted by someone who does not want you to be that way. So your understanding is very much appreciated, at least by me.

What is it that you need? What do you want for yourself? It seems that you want him not to slip away, but that’s about maintaining status quo. If his desires are deep connection and intimacy, then what are your desires?

Dear lovely Dez,

Let us for a moment put aside the other possibly developing connection and focus on you. I really wish telepathy was real so that I could show you what I see and feel and wouldn’t have to type it all into rational sentences 🙂 There’s a lot I want to say.

“I feel like what I really need is space and time to reconnect with myself, to get my joy and inspiration flowing again, to find my center, before I can meet my husband in a really good space. Like I need to take care of a deep inner healing and not sure if my husband has the patience to hold my hand through it.”

I agree, that you need to take care of a deep inner healing, we all do, but it also seems as if you are only seeing worth in a being that is already strong and healed when connecting with other people. I don’t think that’s the case. If you would go to your husband and say “I feel scared and confused, but I want to open up to you, to be vulnerable with you. Could you please help me?” then isn’t that also creating a deep connection and intimacy? Healing each other can also be extremely intimate, and chances are that he needs healing and nurturing as well.

I think you are somehow not seeing your own capabilities and power in all of this. As if you only could have two states of being: either being defensive and appear strong, or showing your vulnerability and being completely weak in that moment. Are you afraid that if you open up, you’ll feel so raw that all kinds of scary feelings come to the surface and it not only overwhelms you, but your husband as well, and you end up becoming defensive again? What if you talk about this fear honestly and rationally before you try it?

Also, your husband is not your only source of love. You have children, who look at you with admiration and do not judge you. You are free to open your heart when you are with them and allow the love run freely back and forth. You can also love yourself. I personally had the most profound spiritual experience when I was in a support meeting and we were talking about not allowing love in. I was listening to another woman talking about it and I realized that it was I who did not let love in and that the problem was not that I wasn’t loved. The love was there, I just didn’t allow myself to have any. So in that moment I decided to change that and try. I decided that I would let my guard down and let the love in. I sat in my chair and focused on my heart and focused feeling compassion towards myself, like I would towards some other person. I also said quietly in my mind something like “please love me”. I felt this huge surge of energy flowing in. I wish I could say that it felt great, but I was so scared and felt quite nauseous 🙂 But I was determined, and just forced my muscles to relax instead of being tight, as they always were, as I was shielding myself. That love has not left my heart, and it changed everything for me. The point of my story is that we are the gatekeepers to our core and what nurturing gets through and what doesn’t. If we block love and care, then we’ll slowly wither and become even more desperate for someone to love us, to see us. But how can they love us or see us if we keep blocking the entry? A romantic relationship is not the only way to get nurturing love and a deep connection.

Now, it sounds like your willingness to be open-minded is clashing with your heart. You don’t have to accept any kind of extramarital relationships, regardless of their nature. I personally don’t think that there is any value in forcefully pushing oneself to accommodate a relationship pattern that is not suitable for you. That said, it would be better if you could think about such things only after you are in a place where you feel safe and secure regardless of other people. Where your source of love and safety lies within you, and is not attached to other people or events. That’s when it’s easier to judge whether something is appropriate or not. When I said that I like it that you are able to look at the situation with such calmness, I didn’t mean that you should just disband your own needs and feelings to accommodate the needs of your husband. I just meant that it is scary for the other person as well, if someone attacks who they are out of fear. For example, I like to be friendly with all kinds of people. It is in my nature. I am curious about people. If I was in a relationship where the man felt threatened by me being friendly with other men and he would try to solve the situation by trying to force me into changing my whole being or shaming me because of who I am, just because he would be scared, then that would be terrible. However, if he would tell me openly that it scares him when I am friendly with other men, and it concerns him what might happen, but would allow me to make the decision of what to do about it, it would be completely different. And if my loved one would be scared, then I would do anything in my power to make him feel that he was safe and loved in our relationship. The difference is not only in either being forceful or not, but also in showing one’s vulnerability. Being open, instead of being defensive. I think that it’s quite universal, that people react favorably to another one being open and vulnerable, and they react with defensiveness to other people’s defensiveness.

I hope you’ll get something out of all of that 🙂 Just, don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t compare your soul to the soul of another person. How your soul dances might be different to the other woman’s, but it is not any less enticing. Besides, you are his wife and the mother of his children. Your soul is the one he wants to see and be intimate with.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 11 months ago by The Ruminant.

Hi Dez (@hakom)

Sorry, I have had a rather busy week, and I haven’t had a chance to get into the right mindset to participate in this forum.

I’m not sure if it a good idea that I would speak on behalf of your husband, even if I feel like I might be similar in some sense. I personally appreciate transparency, but unfortunately, it’s not always that simple. For example, would it be a good idea to tell him that you have looked into his e-mails? That would be transparency, but at what cost? I honestly do not know.

Honestly communicating your needs is always a good thing. “I need to feel safe in order to attempt opening up, and I don’t feel safe when I feel that there is a threat to our marriage” for example. OK, that was a lot of “feels”, but the threat isn’t an actual fact, but a feeling. It doesn’t make it any less valid. Intimacy requires trust; trust in yourself and in your partner. I do think that you need to build trust towards yourself, and one good way to do that is to be as authentic as you can. It really does build your self-esteem and that helps in trusting others as well, since you know that you can always fall on your feet. Don’t let your fear to take over and rule your life.

I’m sorry, I’m probably still not in the right kind of mindset to express myself more thoroughly.