Dear John,

Yes there is a bit of a stigma because it’s not usual for people in my culture to go see a therapist.  I have not even considered it but when Anita brought it up I decided to do some research and found that the symptoms I am experiencing seems to be depression:

1. A very characteristic sleep disorder. Unless the depressed person is very depressed, or unless there is some particular worry troubling him or her, there is no trouble falling asleep. But sleep is typically interrupted during the night. The depressed person wakes up repeatedly, agitated or restless, sometimes from a bad dream, then returns to sleep only to wake up prematurely, unable to get back to sleep. This is called early-morning awakening, and it can go on day after day and week after week.
2. On waking up, the depressed person feels bad. That particular bad feeling varies from person to person. Usually it is a sad feeling, but not always. Sometimes it is an agitated, even a panicky feeling. The panic attack, if that it is the way it is experienced, is likely to last longer than the panic attacks of an uncomplicated panic disorder. And it tends to be there every morning. This bad feeling lessens during the course of the day, so that evenings may be more comfortable.
3. Usually, there is a loss of appetite to the point of losing weight. Sometimes, less commonly, there is an increase of appetite, in which case the depression is said to be atypical.

All 3 of those are exactly as I am experiencing.  I find that it is worse in the morning and I’m having early morning awakening too.

Dear Anita, I feel like I am contradicting myself because I had to cut my story short initially.  Earlier on in the relationship, I told him that if he sees no future for us and do not think he can commit to me, especially since he will be going back,  I wish to not go any further because I only want to be in a committed serious relationship which will eventually lead to marriage.  He gave me all the right promises AT THE BEGINNING and even told me that he has told his family about me and that they liked me.  He also said that he will definitely be back for me and told me his plans for coming back.  But upon reflection, I have never even seen their photos and I increasingly felt like he was only giving lip service.  As times wore on, he changes his plan a lot of times to the point that I am feeling like he is not really thinking of us.  (i.e. moving forward his departure date without talking to me – telling me matter-of-factly, changing his one year stay to 1.5 years and then finally saying that it could maybe be 2 years, buying a brand new merz eventhough he told me he’s saving to come back).

The only thing he said after our short conversation with me asking who the girl he went out with was Let’s stop and have time apart.  That’s literally what he wrote!  And that was why I was thinking that he was only requesting for time apart.  Not a break up!  Who breaks up without really discussing it??  Only when I sent him the email a week after, that I initially talked about did I understand that he meant break up for real and he wanted only to say goodbye.  That he didn’t love me enough and cannot do long distance.  Just that!! So he broke no agreement and has no debt to me?

And to put salt on my wound, he started pursuing a girl and flirting with her on social media not even 2 weeks after he told me we’re breaking up?? Is this right?? The way he treated me? He has no debt to me because I should not have been stupid enough to trust that he would at least have the courtesy to give me time to heal before he starts doing that??  Do I not deserve some consideration?? Because I was too easy?

Dear Anita and John,

Anita, It’s taking me too long and I am feeling that I have made no progress still.  What do I do?  I have passed my driving test.  I have tried to set milestones for myself.  Driving test first and relocate to another city next.  I have to do something! I felt that I have to do it to keep myself sane and moving but it is so hard still.

John, Thank you for reaching out to me and touching me with your carefully worded comment.  I have read and re-read it for the past few weeks for comfort but could not yet bring myself to respond as I am still feeling raw from everything that had happened.  Some days I will feel somewhat ok and other days I will suddenly feel an overwhelming feeling of grief.

I am constantly feeling on the verge of an anxiety attack.  But have managed to not try and reach out to him again up until yesterday.  Just a few days ago, I found out that he had been pursuing and have started going out with another girl from his hometown.  They have already known each other since before he started to date me.  I find it hard to believe that they are already at that stage when we have just broken up not long ago.  All I can think of is “Was she his first choice and me just a back up?  Did he use me knowing that he’ll discard me when he goes back to be with her?”  It is starting to feel like he had already paved his way for when he would return to his home country.  She is really really beautiful.  I cannot help but compare myself to her.  He must have found me so much lacking compared to her.  I feel ashamed, worthless and unlovable.  Would wake up crying in the morning thinking about how he is like with her now.  Is he happier and feeling more in love?  Did he see her and think..finally..someone I can truly love?  My sorrow and pain is endless.  It feels like I am spiralling deeper into despair and self loathing.  I had a major breakdown after I found out and finally deleted him from all my social media, which in hindsight, I should have done much much earlier.  But I was still desperately hoping that he would reach out to me still after some time has passed.

Yesterday, after much thought, I decided to write an email to him again.  I thought that maybe if I send a final final email to him, I can finally move on.  I have always tried to be accommodating and understanding.  I feel like a door mat.  I wanted to get everything off my chest.    Telling him that a person who cares for me, even if he does not love me, would have tried to give me time to properly heal, and cared enough to not cause me more pain by showing that he has moved on so quickly. That I am disappointed that I did not trust my instinct that he was not true.  I told him that I wish the pain and agony that I am feeling can be mirrored so he too will feel it and know that my anguish is real.  Wanting him to know everything that he wishes not to know or see.  But I ended with my hope that I can finally let go after this email.  To be at peace with myself.  And that I did not regret knowing him and that I have experienced what love is like with him.  And that eventhough I cannot truly wish him well now, I do not wish him unwell.  I sent it and felt at peace.  I thought that I will finally be able to let go because I have told him what I needed to.  I did not receive a reply from him which I am truly ok with because I realise there is nothing he could say that would make any difference to how I am feeling.  I thought I was doing it for myself.  But today I read what I wrote and was like ..WTH am I thinking?  I should have told him I regretted knowing someone like him.  That he ruined me and he is totally not worth my pain.  I felt that the email was not bitchy enough and I ended up sounding like a doormat again. The email was pointless.  What did it do?  The relief it brought me is so short lived.  And I am starting to look obsessed.  I feel like I am emotionally damaged from all this.  Nothing I say or think makes sense anymore.

Dear Anita,
Just want to let you know that I am feeling a little better now. I had a good cry when I met up with my sister and she did a great job at consoling me. It helped a lot. Even now my inside is twisted because he’ll not be a part of my life anymore, and I know I ll have relapses again but with my sister here, I ll be ok. Thank you too for your concern. You were the first one who answered my call for help and my truest friend when I needed one most. I ll be alright soon I am sure 🙂

I am hoping desperately that he ll reconsider and not let go so easily. Why didn’t he let me go early on in our relationship, when I had asked, before I have fallen for him this deeply? He promised to come back for me. I held on to that. Am I so unlovable and replaceable that he can’t hold on? It s only been 2 months…y did he stop loving after such a short time. He told me recently that he loves me. When did he start wanting to break up! Can I bring him back? All these thoughts that I cannot stop. I felt as if I am wrapped in this cacoon of denial and every so often, the cacoon rips open and my heart feels like it s torn apart. It really feels that way to me. Denial..intense heartbreak..denial..intense heartbreak.

It s ok Anita…when I thought that he had asked for time apart the second time…he was really asking to break up for good. I have really tried my best. My insecurity was my instinct telling me he doesn’t love me. And I was right…he told me the love he has for me isn’t strong enough for him to be able to surpass time and distance. There is nothing I can say to that anymore. Please tell me..how do I proceed from here? I feel as if my heart is ripped to pieces.

“Not every thought you have needs to be voiced, not every distress shared” I will keep this in mind and if given the chance, will try not to be so..possessive. I hope it is not too late. Thank you for your kind advice Anita. 🙂 You are such a beautiful soul. I am glad I came upon this website by chance.