Menu

Should I stay or leave when he asked for a break

HomeForumsRelationshipsShould I stay or leave when he asked for a break

New Reply
Viewing 10 posts - 16 through 25 (of 25 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #127711
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    I am glad you use your thread to express your emotions. I am also glad you received comfort from your sister and are feeling better. Your last post is not only positive but realistic- you do expect to feel worse again (before feeling better yet again).

    He gave up on the total five months relationship not because you are unworthy or unlovable- farthest from the truth. Really, his ending of the relationship has nothing to do with your worth and lovability.

    What you are experiencing is natural- you became attached to this man and your attachment is broken, undone. So you will feel better, then worse, then better… and over time the “worse” won’t be as bad and it will be less and less frequent.

    And you are welcome. Thank you for your kind words. Please, do post anytime you feel like.

    anita

    #128193
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am sorry to be back again so soon..but today has been a particularly bad day. It sounds stupid to be upset over this (and my family couldn’t understand why I cried) but I failed my driving test today and took a further blow to my self esteem. It felt like I am already stumbling and I cannot shake off this feeling of worthlessness.
    Anita, you mentioned that my ex gave up on our relationship not because I am unworthy or unlovable. But all I can think now is..he broke up with me because he doesn’t love me enough and he is probably convinced he can find (or has already found) someone else who he will love more. I feel completely inadequate. And eventhough we were physically together for 3 months, he was unable to love me more. I feel totally unlovable. And those feelings are crushing me atm.
    Even so, I miss him desperately.

    #128213
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    You apologized for being back to your thread so soon, but I am glad that you are back and in my last post to you, my last line was: “Please, do post anytime you feel like.”-

    Please, do post anytime.

    If unrequited love was evidence of a person inadequacy and worthlessness then no person on the face of this earth is adequate or worthy. Who hasn’t experienced unrequited love…

    You miss him desperately, maybe because you desperately need to feel adequate and worthy. But he didn’t take those things away from you and it is not his to give it back to you. You were adequate and worthy before you met him, during the relationship and after.

    Many people fail driving tests and then try again and succeed.

    anita

    #128323
    John
    Participant

    I have gone through a similar thing recently with a part time long distance relationship (my partner was gone for up to a month at a time and sometimes only spend a few days at home). I wont tell my whole life story, but my point is I can understand how you feel a lot.

    From my my perspective it seems that you two were a very poor match in terms of neediness. That is not your fault nor his, and it does not make you an inferior person at all. In fact, such a mismatch can serve to intensify the mismatch, making you feel needier than you might otherwise be and making him more distant than he might otherwise be. I’ll bet you probably feel very self critical for being so needy but it isn’t your fault. You couldn’t help it considering how distant he was and how much room for insecurity he left in the relationship.

    LDRs are always tough and I imagine it must have been very tough to transition into one after 3 months of dating, especially if you feel like you never got what you need for those 3 months.

    I will tell you this: you are better off in the long run with this relationship ending. I know it will be hard to believe, and you don’t have to believe me right now. I know how alienating it can be when people try to tell you what to believe when you are hurting. All I ask is that you consider it and soon you will believe it in your MIND. It won’t help. Eventually you will believe it your HEART and that is what will drive the healing.

    But for now I beg that you cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to grieve as long and as much as you need to. Even when it’s for the best in the end, breakups can be devastating and I’m very sorry that your family doesn’t seem to understand. That is their problem, not yours. There is no shortcut around the pain. However, you have enough on your plate and you do not need to add to it by feeling guilty about how you feel. No matter what your family says and no matter what anyone on the internet thinks, it is NEVER stupid to feel sad over a breakup.

    #139389
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita and John,

    Anita, It’s taking me too long and I am feeling that I have made no progress still.  What do I do?  I have passed my driving test.  I have tried to set milestones for myself.  Driving test first and relocate to another city next.  I have to do something! I felt that I have to do it to keep myself sane and moving but it is so hard still.

    John, Thank you for reaching out to me and touching me with your carefully worded comment.  I have read and re-read it for the past few weeks for comfort but could not yet bring myself to respond as I am still feeling raw from everything that had happened.  Some days I will feel somewhat ok and other days I will suddenly feel an overwhelming feeling of grief.

    I am constantly feeling on the verge of an anxiety attack.  But have managed to not try and reach out to him again up until yesterday.  Just a few days ago, I found out that he had been pursuing and have started going out with another girl from his hometown.  They have already known each other since before he started to date me.  I find it hard to believe that they are already at that stage when we have just broken up not long ago.  All I can think of is “Was she his first choice and me just a back up?  Did he use me knowing that he’ll discard me when he goes back to be with her?”  It is starting to feel like he had already paved his way for when he would return to his home country.  She is really really beautiful.  I cannot help but compare myself to her.  He must have found me so much lacking compared to her.  I feel ashamed, worthless and unlovable.  Would wake up crying in the morning thinking about how he is like with her now.  Is he happier and feeling more in love?  Did he see her and think..finally..someone I can truly love?  My sorrow and pain is endless.  It feels like I am spiralling deeper into despair and self loathing.  I had a major breakdown after I found out and finally deleted him from all my social media, which in hindsight, I should have done much much earlier.  But I was still desperately hoping that he would reach out to me still after some time has passed.

    Yesterday, after much thought, I decided to write an email to him again.  I thought that maybe if I send a final final email to him, I can finally move on.  I have always tried to be accommodating and understanding.  I feel like a door mat.  I wanted to get everything off my chest.    Telling him that a person who cares for me, even if he does not love me, would have tried to give me time to properly heal, and cared enough to not cause me more pain by showing that he has moved on so quickly. That I am disappointed that I did not trust my instinct that he was not true.  I told him that I wish the pain and agony that I am feeling can be mirrored so he too will feel it and know that my anguish is real.  Wanting him to know everything that he wishes not to know or see.  But I ended with my hope that I can finally let go after this email.  To be at peace with myself.  And that I did not regret knowing him and that I have experienced what love is like with him.  And that eventhough I cannot truly wish him well now, I do not wish him unwell.  I sent it and felt at peace.  I thought that I will finally be able to let go because I have told him what I needed to.  I did not receive a reply from him which I am truly ok with because I realise there is nothing he could say that would make any difference to how I am feeling.  I thought I was doing it for myself.  But today I read what I wrote and was like ..WTH am I thinking?  I should have told him I regretted knowing someone like him.  That he ruined me and he is totally not worth my pain.  I felt that the email was not bitchy enough and I ended up sounding like a doormat again. The email was pointless.  What did it do?  The relief it brought me is so short lived.  And I am starting to look obsessed.  I feel like I am emotionally damaged from all this.  Nothing I say or think makes sense anymore.

     

     

    #139401
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hannah:

    Congratulations for passing the driving test!

    Regarding the rest of your last post: I agree with your statement: “I am starting to look obsessed”- you certainly are.

    This was, after all, a THREE MONTH relationship, three months only that you and him were present in each other’s life, in person. There were a couple of months of a LDR before and after. That is all. And as a result of those few months, you “feel ashamed, worthless and unlovable.. sorrow and pain endless… spiraling deeper into despair and self loathing…”

    These feelings of being unlovable, self loathing, this sorrow and pain could not have originated in this three month relationship (which was loving by your account, he was decent, by your account, no abuse)- these feelings must have been there before you met him.

    Best attend competent psychotherapy. Disengage from him, please.

    anita

     

    #139405
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Psychotherapy?  Really?  I am that bad and it’s not normal to be like this?

    But you’re right…talking about timeline it hasnt been a long relationship and yet I am feeling so bad.  But in that short span, I have given him most of my firsts.  I am reserved and do not give myself freely.  Do you understand?  I have tried to cram all my love or feelings into the relationship before he left.  So he can have something to hang on to.  But he didnt.

    You have shocked me into thinking clearly for once.  If I can really disengage from him after this eventhough I continue to feel bad, do you still think I have to seek help professionally?

    #139421
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hannah:

    When a person is  “constantly feeling on the verge of an anxiety attack” and is “spiraling deeper into despair and self loathing”- I say: it is time to attend competent psychotherapy.

    Looking back at your first post, you wrote: “Before we decided to give the relationship a go, he told me that he would have to return to his home country in the near future.. he has ever really told me what his plans are for our future.”

    You then agreed to have an intimate relationship with him, to “give him most of (your) firsts” even though you knew he was to return to his home country soon and even though he never expressed plans for a future with you.

    Your intimate relationship lasted three months, but you met only twice a week. He was busy having a life without you five days a week, during those three months (uni, a part time job, colleagues and friends) .

    There was no agreement between the two of you that IF you became physically intimate with him THEN he will be your boyfriend/ husband for a particular length of time. He broke no agreement, therefore he has no debt to you.

    In addition, there is no indication that he told you any lies, nor was he dishonest with you.

    If you attended competent therapy, maybe Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, you will have the opportunity to correct your thinking so it fits reality. When that happens, your feelings will change and your distress will be alleviated.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

    #139435
    John
    Participant

    It seems to me like you might be affected by a bit of a stigma against therapy. Maybe some people who were around you growing up gave off the attitude that therapy is for “crazy” people?

    In my opinion everyone needs therapy at some point in their lives or at the very least could use it. It is the truly brave and wise who choose to make use of it before they have no other choice.

    #139503
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear John,

    Yes there is a bit of a stigma because it’s not usual for people in my culture to go see a therapist.  I have not even considered it but when Anita brought it up I decided to do some research and found that the symptoms I am experiencing seems to be depression:

    1. A very characteristic sleep disorder. Unless the depressed person is very depressed, or unless there is some particular worry troubling him or her, there is no trouble falling asleep. But sleep is typically interrupted during the night. The depressed person wakes up repeatedly, agitated or restless, sometimes from a bad dream, then returns to sleep only to wake up prematurely, unable to get back to sleep. This is called early-morning awakening, and it can go on day after day and week after week.
    2. On waking up, the depressed person feels bad. That particular bad feeling varies from person to person. Usually it is a sad feeling, but not always. Sometimes it is an agitated, even a panicky feeling. The panic attack, if that it is the way it is experienced, is likely to last longer than the panic attacks of an uncomplicated panic disorder. And it tends to be there every morning. This bad feeling lessens during the course of the day, so that evenings may be more comfortable.
    3. Usually, there is a loss of appetite to the point of losing weight. Sometimes, less commonly, there is an increase of appetite, in which case the depression is said to be atypical.

    All 3 of those are exactly as I am experiencing.  I find that it is worse in the morning and I’m having early morning awakening too.

    Dear Anita, I feel like I am contradicting myself because I had to cut my story short initially.  Earlier on in the relationship, I told him that if he sees no future for us and do not think he can commit to me, especially since he will be going back,  I wish to not go any further because I only want to be in a committed serious relationship which will eventually lead to marriage.  He gave me all the right promises AT THE BEGINNING and even told me that he has told his family about me and that they liked me.  He also said that he will definitely be back for me and told me his plans for coming back.  But upon reflection, I have never even seen their photos and I increasingly felt like he was only giving lip service.  As times wore on, he changes his plan a lot of times to the point that I am feeling like he is not really thinking of us.  (i.e. moving forward his departure date without talking to me – telling me matter-of-factly, changing his one year stay to 1.5 years and then finally saying that it could maybe be 2 years, buying a brand new merz eventhough he told me he’s saving to come back).

    The only thing he said after our short conversation with me asking who the girl he went out with was Let’s stop and have time apart.  That’s literally what he wrote!  And that was why I was thinking that he was only requesting for time apart.  Not a break up!  Who breaks up without really discussing it??  Only when I sent him the email a week after, that I initially talked about did I understand that he meant break up for real and he wanted only to say goodbye.  That he didn’t love me enough and cannot do long distance.  Just that!! So he broke no agreement and has no debt to me?

    And to put salt on my wound, he started pursuing a girl and flirting with her on social media not even 2 weeks after he told me we’re breaking up?? Is this right?? The way he treated me? He has no debt to me because I should not have been stupid enough to trust that he would at least have the courtesy to give me time to heal before he starts doing that??  Do I not deserve some consideration?? Because I was too easy?

Viewing 10 posts - 16 through 25 (of 25 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.