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Should I stay or leave when he asked for a break

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  • #127142
    Hannah
    Participant

    I have been in a LDR for a little more than 2 months. Prior to that, my bf and I dated for 3 months before he left to return to his home country to help with his family business. Before we decided to give the relationship a go, he told me that he would have to return to his home country in the near future but that he will be back in a year or 1.5years max. and I told him that I will wait for him to come back. I have always felt insecure about the relationship. 1) because he is a very friendly type of guy and is close to a lot of girls. 2) because when we were dating, I have always felt that there is somethg wrong with not meeting up more than twice a week…he told me it s because he has a lot of things to tie up (uni and part time work) eventhough he seems to make time to meet up with colleagues and other friends. Even his last night was not spent with me 3) because eventhough he said that he will come back for me, he has never really told me what his plans are for our future.
    It was very hard trying to adjust to the time difference and as he is working 6 days a week (restaurant business), we don’t chat often and he would only end up greeting me in the morning and after only a few words at night, claim that he is tired and would like to go to bed earlier. I have tried to be more understanding and try not to message him during day time but when he starts to let his off day go without making an effort to reconnect with me, I confronted him about it. In only 2 months, the same issue has cropped up more than once. The first time, I told him to take all the time he wanted to get used to life and work there but suggested that it might be better to stop messaging and wait until he is ready because his halfheartedness (which he claims is from being too busy) is making me insecure. He agreed but started messaging me in earnest only a few days after. And not surprisingly, soon after, the same issue came up again and this time he suggested a break but tried to reassure me with ‘I’ll be back and please know that I love and will miss you’. That was last week. A few days after we stopped messaging,I noticed that he wrote ‘me too..thank you :p’ in response to one of his ex colleague’s birthday wish and ‘I love you’ message on his wall which he claims to be jokingly said. I messaged him and asked him to explain and he apologized profusely and told me that he didn’t mean it that way. I forgave him and decided to give him more space. Only 2 days after, I saw a post of him going out with 2 girls and started to get really upset as I couldn’t understand how he could claim to be too busy to message me but could spend time with other girls. Also worth mentioning is the fact that one of the girl he went out with also made me feel insecure. (I saw that he had given her a small painting a few years back and a few other clues from social media) Again…I confronted him about her. And I knew then that he had gotten tired of my questions as he took almost a whole day to answer me and when he did, he was abrupt (I am trying to condense everythg but there were a lot of questions) He told me that she is his high school friend and they only met up because she and another friend was in his town. Also the painting was for her birthday. I started to feel like I have overstepped my boundaries and eventhough I felt insecure still, I accepted his explaination and that was when he said…shall we stop and have time apart? He said that at this point we are hurting each other and mostly he felt sorry for not being able to make the wait easier on me. It has been only 5 days since but I have felt my emotion ranging from despair to disappointment but mostly hurt. All I can think of now is, will it ever be ok for us? It feels like he has abandoned me to deal with my insecurities on my own. As if he can’t be bothered anymore. His lack of effort too seems to show that this relationship means little to him. All I wanted was for both of us to try hard to stay connected despite the distance, but eventhough he understands, he is refusing/could not give that to me. My question now is, is there any hope left for me? Should I give him the space he needs and wait it out and for how long…or should I cut my ties now and let him go? Also, I don’t even understand how he thks time apart will be beneficial to us or is that his soft approach of breaking up with me. Is it me? Am I expecting too much and being selfish with my wants when he is adjusting to life and work back home? Or am I making excuses on his behalf? It seems hopeless but…I love him…please help..would really appreciate your insight

    #127185
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    During the three months you were dating, you weren’t happy with him seeing you only twice a week and you felt it was wrong of him to make time during his week to meet with colleagues and other friends instead of meeting with you more often. During the last 2 months, in the context of LDR with him, you weren’t happy with the frequency and length of the contact he made with you, and you feel it is wrong for him to communicate with friends instead of with you.

    Reads to me that he is indeed very busy, has been during the 3 months he was present in your life physically and he has been very busy during the last 2 months, working very hard and for long hours.

    The fact that he met with colleagues and other friends in person and that he communicates with others online means that he derived pleasure from that, from interacting with other people. It didn’t mean that he didn’t love you or enjoyed being with you. Problem is, as you confronted him again and again, it made his communication with you unpleasant for him. I think this is why he suggested the break.

    The two of you read to me like decent people. Problem is, because of the insecurity you mentioned and which is evident in your behavior, you need a boyfriend who is way more available for you, someone who is less friendly, has little interest in communicating with others; a man who works less, perhaps. Do you think you will be more compatible with a man like that?

    anita

    #127210
    Hannah
    Participant

    Thank you for your insight Anita. As I was writing my post, I was sure that everyone would tell me that it is obvious that he doesn’t really love me. I was also basing this on another friend who started dating around the same time as I did. She and her bf met up almost everyday and talked on the phone when they don’t meet up. I really thought that is how 2 persons in love should be. Wanting to spend all their time together.
    In answer to your question, yes I would probably be more compatible with someone who is an opposite of my bf…but he would not be the one I love. Thank you for putting that into perspective.
    Reading your reply was like a splash of cold water, Anita. I could not blame him now for wanting a break. Instead of supporting him like I promised to, I questioned his actions many times. I really hope that I can learn to trust him.
    The least I can do now is wait and give him the space that he is asking for…

    #127214
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    Be prepared then, that when you talk with him again, next time or the next, that you will fee distressed again, like you did before, and you will, in your mind, question him again- but this next time, instead of expressing your distress to him in the ways you did before- don’t, not if you want this relationship to improve and keep going.

    Your interactions with him need to feel pleasant for him. As long as he is loving and decent to you, make the interactions pleasant for him – even when you are distressed. This is key: not every thought you have needs to be voiced, not every distress shared. When he does nothing wrong to you, don’t cause him distress over being a hard working and friendly person, these are not wrongs.

    Wish you the best and post anytime.

    anita

    #127222
    Hannah
    Participant

    “Not every thought you have needs to be voiced, not every distress shared” I will keep this in mind and if given the chance, will try not to be so..possessive. I hope it is not too late. Thank you for your kind advice Anita. 🙂 You are such a beautiful soul. I am glad I came upon this website by chance.

    #127224
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words (I like “beautiful soul”- makes me smile). Glad you are here and hope you post again anytime you want my input.

    anita

    #127521
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita, T^T

    I caved in on day 7 and sent him an email telling him I’ve been thkg abt what went wrong and basically apologized especially for our last conversation, wrote to say I appreciate what he has been doing, told him I am doing fine and wished him well. I didn’t expect him to reply..i wrote it more because our last conversation was abrupt and I wanted to end (temporarily!) instead on a good note and apologize.
    He replied saying he deeply appreciate my warm email especially since he was cold the last time. Telling me he nvr blamed me, only blamed time and distance and that it was nvr my fault. He also said that our temperature has always been..I am warmer than him and he is colder than me and we managed to pass our time peacefully,lovingly and gratefully (I don’t understand what he meant by warmer and colder..does it mean he acknowledge that he loves me less?) but still he is sorry that he couldn’t be warmer (couldn’t love me more?) and made me sad in the end (the end??), talked briefly abt what he is doing and ends with ‘thank you for your email, it made me feel ‘uncountably’nice coz I was so sorry and worried and thank you for giving me the chance to say this’. Also at the start of his email he wrote, if I do not answer (your email) you might not feel sad anymore but I would like to tell you…(why does he think his email will make me more sad? Is it a rejection letter??)

    I was at peace! T^T but his email threw me off again. I don’t understand..does it sound like a goodbye break up email to you? Not a temporary have break email? I am SOO tempted to write and ask him..but don’t think it s a good idea. Also, it s valentine’s day today…I didn’t receive anythg which meant that he had already planned not to send me anything before we stopped talking. In case you re wondering, I sent him a valentine card nearly 2 weeks ago. My gut is screaming that he doesn’t love me. Will you help me screw my head right please Anita? I’ve had to chant ‘let go..hang on to ur pride..let go..hang on to ur pride…let go’ these 2 days but my resolve is waning.

    #127551
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    Regarding the difference in temperature that he mentioned: him being colder and you, warmer- I think he is referring to the level of neediness, that you needed/ need him more than he needed you, wanting more time from him and more exclusiveness (that he spends less time with others). When one person needs less of another’s time, it doesn’t mean that person is less loving. It may, but not necessarily (there are plenty of needy people who are not loving, and less needy who are loving!)

    The fact that he apologized for not being warmer means that he is aware that you are unhappy with his level of neediness vs yours, that he is aware he is not acceptable or satisfactory to you in that regard.

    He wrote that he is sorry that he made you sad in the end: two things, first, again, he is aware that he is not acceptable or satisfactory to you, that he affected you negatively, made you sad. Second< “in the end” does indicate an ending of some sort. He may be viewing the present state of the relationship as an ending-

    In light of the fact that you sent him a Valentine card two weeks ago and he didn’t send you a Valentine message, the ending he was referring to, reads to me, is the ending of the romantic relationship of the last five months.

    Reads to me like he is very well aware that he made you sad, that the relationship didn’t make you happy. He wrote that he was “so sorry and worried”- he has been very aware, emotionally aware, that the relationship made you unhappy, so much so that he believed that him answering this email will make you sad, but he answered anyway.

    I am sorry, hannahl: doesn’t look good as far as this being an ongoing loving relationship at this point. If you wrote to him next that, let’s say, you are happy with him etc., I don’t think he will believe you. He already believes otherwise.

    And truly, you are not happy with his level of neediness, which brings me back to the compatibility issue.

    Not that there is no chance for this relationship in the future, just not much of a chance, as I see it. I too am sorry that you are sad. I wish things were different!

    anita

    #127561
    Hannah
    Participant

    It s ok Anita…when I thought that he had asked for time apart the second time…he was really asking to break up for good. I have really tried my best. My insecurity was my instinct telling me he doesn’t love me. And I was right…he told me the love he has for me isn’t strong enough for him to be able to surpass time and distance. There is nothing I can say to that anymore. Please tell me..how do I proceed from here? I feel as if my heart is ripped to pieces.

    #127575
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    You are experiencing pain, understandably. You became emotionally attached to him. When that happens, when we get emotionally attached to a person, it hurts when that attachment is broken, a heart ripped to pieces. There is nothing you can do to prevent such pain (not for long) because it follows a broken attachment as automatically and as naturally as in any law of nature.

    How do you proceed from here? Endure this pain- it will not kill you. It feels bad but you can and will survive it, so much so, that you will love again and you will be happy again.

    To prevent unnecessary pain in the future, learning from our present and past experiences, is wise. You can’t prevent the pain once the attachment is already formed, but you can evaluate a future man and a future relationship before forming an attachment, evaluate for compatibility first.

    Please do post here as many times as you need-

    You will feel better, I have no doubt.

    anita

    #127657
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    I couldn’t let go..it hurts so much..eventhough we talked last night, I still felt that I had to try harder and so I sent another text to him this morning..telling him instead of regretting the decision like he said he might, to please take some time to reconsider and I will wait. How can I let go and have him gone from my life forever? My regrets are great.
    But he wouldn’t reply anymore.

    #127659
    anita
    Participant

    Dear hannahl:

    The statistical chances for a LDR surviving are low- it was likely to end regardless of how you acted and what you said. The fact that you knew each other only 3 months before going LDR reduced the chances. When one of the participants in a LDR is outgoing, meets lots of people through work or otherwise, the survival chances are further reduced, by a lot.

    I wouldn’t have been able to maintain a LDR myself.

    About having him gone from your life forever- think of it this way: the forever from now on is like the forever before you met him. You lived Before you met him and you will live now and onward.

    Your pain will ease, with time. This pain is not deadly. Please don’t add to it with regrets- like I wrote, no matter how you behaved, what you said and how you said what you said to him- the statistical chances were very low.

    It is the attachment that hurts so much. If you read this soon after I post it, please write more. I am concerned.

    anita

    #127661
    Hannah
    Participant

    I am hoping desperately that he ll reconsider and not let go so easily. Why didn’t he let me go early on in our relationship, when I had asked, before I have fallen for him this deeply? He promised to come back for me. I held on to that. Am I so unlovable and replaceable that he can’t hold on? It s only been 2 months…y did he stop loving after such a short time. He told me recently that he loves me. When did he start wanting to break up! Can I bring him back? All these thoughts that I cannot stop. I felt as if I am wrapped in this cacoon of denial and every so often, the cacoon rips open and my heart feels like it s torn apart. It really feels that way to me. Denial..intense heartbreak..denial..intense heartbreak.

    #127663
    Hannah
    Participant

    Reading my first post..she seemed like a different person. Leave? Hah! I can’t believe it still…it s like a nightmare I can’t wake up from.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Hannah. Reason: I sound suicidal..I am not
    #127673
    Hannah
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Just want to let you know that I am feeling a little better now. I had a good cry when I met up with my sister and she did a great job at consoling me. It helped a lot. Even now my inside is twisted because he’ll not be a part of my life anymore, and I know I ll have relapses again but with my sister here, I ll be ok. Thank you too for your concern. You were the first one who answered my call for help and my truest friend when I needed one most. I ll be alright soon I am sure 🙂

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