Dear, Anita.

I’m not changed about my part in the fights and arguments.  I take all responsibility for my part and my negative behavior.
Yes, he has a problem but no one is perfect.

A beautiful fall day here today and I walked several miles with the dog today.  I hope you are having a good weekend!

Dear Anita

I hope you are having a lovely weekend.
I went shopping and clean my house today.  Finally, I can sit down and write you a message.

I’ve been thinking that shall I sent him to reconcile email or not.  50% of me said yes and 50% of me said no.  Why no?  Somehow bad memories came back and tell me no.  Of course, we had a great time together and a bad time also.  Some of what he said before, is stuck in my head these days.  My counselor told me that one of the reasons for anger was him.  How he treated me or said to me.  I did not talk him how much I was hurt.  I said something to him but he did not take it seriously or did not care, I could not remember.
Anyway, I will think about sending an email or not again tonight.

Have a good night.

Dear Anita.
Thank you so much again for all your time.  I appreciated your support.
It will take a few days to process but I will answer the small questions which you have above.

I do not like being ignored.  at elementary school, I was invisible.  All my classmates ignore me because some of the girls were mean to me in class and I fought back.  The teacher was by my side but the next day, all my classmates did not speak to me for years.  middle school time, my long-term friend became one famous singer.  My father and his mother were growing up together and I played with him when I was a little sometime.  My schoolmates asked me to get VIP tickets and wanted to meet him but I refused their request.   Here you go again, all my classmates did not talk to me.  I was invisible.

I do not have any…. A spell check may change my words.  Sorry.  I meant that I do not have any communication problems at work so far but I do have a problem in my private time.  I could control myself at work but not in my private time, become a short temper, etc but not at the work.  If I do, I would not keep this job.

Specialized counseling: I’m learning, and practicing Self-control, and CBT Therapy.  I had a group session and learned NPARR practice.  Notice, pause, Address, Respond and Redirect.  This isn’t easy to apply but I’m practicing NPARR with my family.

Thank you again for your long comments and thank you again for sharing your time and supporting me.
I will need a few days to process and understand the meaning of your words.

Dear Anita, Hello again.

Here is my draft but I’d like to short but not too short.  I have a hard time writing the last word (ending of this letter).
I would like to say that:
I need him to reconcile our relationship because I cannot reconcile myself.
I understand if you do not want to reconcile.
You may not agree with me but if he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship, I do not want to hear anymore.  I haven’t contacted him for a few weeks and finally, if he refuses me, I could go forward without him.  Yes, I’m a chicken and I have still a hard time accepting the fact.
I have lots of my belongings in his house.  Do I want these?  Yes and No.  I do not want to use excuses to see him pick up my belongings so I decided to not bring it up in our conversation.  If I do not see him anymore, I will move forward without my belongings.  These are materials, I can live without them.

Here is my draft letter and I hope you understand what I would like to try to say to him.
*******

Dear Anita.

Thank you for your reply and for letting me know you will reply to me later.  I appreciate your support.
I’m so sorry, for the above my message.  Not sure why it happened but I guess I used Microsoft word, copy/paste caused this problem.
Additional information:  I do not have any friends.  I work daily but I do not have friends who call me or text me on the weekends, nor just say Hello.  My job has a director position and I was told not to make friends in the same company due to my position will affect when comes employees’ problems and issues.  I can be friendly but not make friends and they won’t cross the borderline.  I’m over 50 years old and not easy to make new friends.  I went to volunteer work for a few places but it must be me, I could not make any friends.  I go there and talk but have no connection outside of the volunteer work.  Go out and make friends!  I hear about it from other people but if it is so easy, I will be happier now.  Now, I’m done with volunteer work.  I support any events and am there for them but I got the backstage job.  Not complain about the backstage job.  My only sadness was I was the only one there.  Everyone was in front or somewhere else with the team.  I even have a chance to talk or introduce myself.
All I wanted to say is that I do not like weekends or holidays.  Being alone is very sad these days, especially in winter time.
Thank you again for your support and time for me.