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Reconcile relationship – want to write a letter

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  • #408911
    Kaya
    Participant

    I hope you could help me to write a letter to my ex.
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Long story… but make it short.  We were together for over 6 years now.  We argued/fought once in a while.  Most of the time because of my behavior.  I could not express my feeling much so I just said NO or I said I do not like it.  I should give him more reasons each time.  I also wanted to answer or talk NOW.  I do not like to be ignored and I have kept pushing him.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Anyway, over two months ago, he was mad and told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me for 5-10 years.  I did not call, or text him this time.  Because I knew that he was really mad at this time.  I immediately contacted a therapist and started therapy.  About a month later, he texted me and wanted to fix my wood stove which he did not completed finish it.  He came over and chat a while then hugged and kissed, and goodbye.  After the day, he contacted me a few times a week.  I visited his house because of his mother’s birthday.  We went biking ride, dinner and he offered me to stay over night.  I worn pajamas but he was naked.  Cuddle me but nothing happen.  Next day, talk again and hugs kisses, and good bye.  Anyway, I took mixed signals but he told me that I’m over reacted and no romance between us….</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I wrote apologies email, not text or not calls. Then I went to meditation/therapy inpatient place for three weeks.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I have understand that my weakness, childish, short temper (sometime) and pushing him, etc.  I want to be a better person.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I was going to stay there for three weeks but due to a few staff got COVID and we have to leave the facility.  Continue to talk with therapy daily now.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I cannot  change myself only a few month therapy and it will take long time.  One step forward and two steps back but I have a goal and want to be a better person.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I was thinking and I would like to reconcile our relationship which I would like to ask him.  If he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship, it’s okay.  It will hurt me again but I understand.  I destroy our relationship and I would not earn his trust back so easy.  But if he choose to reconcile our relationship, I would like to work together.  I cannot reconcile our relationship by myself.  I know it will take long time to reconcile our relationship, take baby steps.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>No excuse but English is my second language and every time I want to say something important, I feel not confidence and feels like this is not exactly what i want to say….  I do not have problems with regular conversation or text but something important, I do not know enough vocabulary.  If I ask anyone in here, will you review my letter and can you please let me know you understand what I really want to and mean to say in the letter?</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Destroyed this relationship is so sad but it was good for me to finally understand myself (like look the mirror) and willing to change myself.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Thank you for reading my long message</div>

    #408916
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    I will read and reply to you in about 9 hours from now.

    anita

    #408927
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

    Thank you for your reply and for letting me know you will reply to me later.  I appreciate your support.
    I’m so sorry, for the above my message.  Not sure why it happened but I guess I used Microsoft word, copy/paste caused this problem.
    Additional information:  I do not have any friends.  I work daily but I do not have friends who call me or text me on the weekends, nor just say Hello.  My job has a director position and I was told not to make friends in the same company due to my position will affect when comes employees’ problems and issues.  I can be friendly but not make friends and they won’t cross the borderline.  I’m over 50 years old and not easy to make new friends.  I went to volunteer work for a few places but it must be me, I could not make any friends.  I go there and talk but have no connection outside of the volunteer work.  Go out and make friends!  I hear about it from other people but if it is so easy, I will be happier now.  Now, I’m done with volunteer work.  I support any events and am there for them but I got the backstage job.  Not complain about the backstage job.  My only sadness was I was the only one there.  Everyone was in front or somewhere else with the team.  I even have a chance to talk or introduce myself.
    All I wanted to say is that I do not like weekends or holidays.  Being alone is very sad these days, especially in winter time.
    Thank you again for your support and time for me.

    #408943
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    First, “If I ask anyone in here, will you review my letter and can you please let me know you understand what I really want to and mean to say in the letter?” -yes, absolutely. You are welcome to present here a draft of your letter and I will give you my feedback and suggestions.

    I will paraphrase what you shared (because it helps me understand better when I rewrite information): you are over 50, work daily in the position of a director and expected to not make friends in the workplace. At times you do volunteer work, but in a backstage position where you don’t get to socialize. Overall, you have no friends, and weekends and holidays are difficult for you because you are alone. You’ve been with your now ex-boyfriend for over 6 years. Two months ago, he angrily told you that he didn’t want to talk to you for 5-10 years. You believe that your misbehavior within the relationship are the reason for the breakup, and upon the breakup, you immediately contacted a therapist and started therapy for the purpose of changing the  misbehaviors that led to the breakup, therapy still ongoing.

    A month ago, he contacted you and repeated contact a few times a week. The two of you went bike riding, had dinners together, and there were hugs and kisses. During an overnight stay, you wore pajamas,  he was naked and the two of you cuddled “but nothing happen“. There were more hugs and kisses the next day. You told him that you are getting mixed signals from him and he told you that you are over-reacting “and no romance between us“.

    You took responsibility for the troubles and ending of the relationship with your now ex, saying that the occasional arguments and fights within the relationship were caused mostly by your behaviors, that it was your  “weakness, childish, short temper (sometime) and pushing him, etc.“, the etc. includes you having had trouble expressing your feelings, saying no, but not explaining why, being impatient, wanting to “talk NOW“.

    I want to be a better person… willing to change myself“- and you are working on it in therapy and otherwise, with the understanding that it will take time, steps forward and backward. You want to reconcile with your ex and “work together” with him on having a good relationship this time around.

    No excuse but English is my second language..“- do you mean that English is your ex’s first language and your second?

    anita

     

    #408944
    anita
    Participant

    -and you are very welcome, Kaya!

    #408948
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita.
    Thank you so much for your reply and support.  You may not realize how much I appreciated it.  Being alone, no one talks on the weekend except cat and dog, I’ve been struggling nowadays.
    Also, my dog loves my ex, and every day when I’m at home, she wants to go front door and wait for him.  That makes me cry.  What have I done to my dog?

    Thank you for understanding my message.

    English is my second language and I’m lucky to have a great job in the US.  I’m the Human resource director and I should not make “friends” in the office.  The previous HR director cause problems and since then, I was told upon the hire.

    My ex is American and grew up here.  He has many friends not next door but drivable area and growing up together.  Also, he lives his mother who has financial problem.  He is taking care of his mother.

    Before I went to the specialize therapist facility, I sent him an apologize email and letting him that I will be gone for the therapist.   I found the email from him after I return.  I did not have cell phone, internet access for two weeks.
    His email said “I understand. I am sorry for my part in any of this. Let me know how I can help”

    I’m not ready to send him any email yet.  This may my last email to him so, I would like to make sure I understand myself, my problems and take a time to write it to him.

    I have multiple problems.
    I do not have any at office but private time, I do not have control myself.
    Being selfish = I would like to have all attention.  I take lots of things negativity.  My ex is enjoying with friends, I feel behind the backstage.  They are talking about old story which I do not have any idea nor jokes which I do not get it much as I should.
    We had an argument then I would like to make up after we talk but he doesn’t want to talk.  I kept talking to him and push him to the edge.  If I ask him to go out or make a plan for trip, he doesn’t give me an answer but I want to have NOW.
    I may overreacted but he makes a plan with his friends but not me?  It made me upset and more pushy.  They have been talking the plan but I upset without listen any story.  I also jump into conclusion.

    A little about my ex:
    He was growing up with abused and dishonest father, father and mother was always fight each other, domestic violence level and finally she left him.  Every time they have started a fight, he and his brother hide in the closet.  His mother has controlling issue and he doesn’t like to tell what he will do or tell him what to do.  His mother married three times and divorce now.

    I may have to make a new forum but how do you make friends?  At the office, people call me I’m bubbly and fun but outside of the work, I have very hard time to meet people.  I understand that most of my age group have family and spending time with family.

    I wrote partial of my draft and I will upload it later or tomorrow.  Thank you again for your huge support.

     

    #408953
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita, Hello again.

    Here is my draft but I’d like to short but not too short.  I have a hard time writing the last word (ending of this letter).
    I would like to say that:
    I need him to reconcile our relationship because I cannot reconcile myself.
    I understand if you do not want to reconcile.
    You may not agree with me but if he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship, I do not want to hear anymore.  I haven’t contacted him for a few weeks and finally, if he refuses me, I could go forward without him.  Yes, I’m a chicken and I have still a hard time accepting the fact.
    I have lots of my belongings in his house.  Do I want these?  Yes and No.  I do not want to use excuses to see him pick up my belongings so I decided to not bring it up in our conversation.  If I do not see him anymore, I will move forward without my belongings.  These are materials, I can live without them.

    Here is my draft letter and I hope you understand what I would like to try to say to him.
    *******
    <div dir=”auto”>I have completed my first session of inpatient therapy.  It seems too short for me.  Lots of exercises, meditation, eating healthy, support community and meet other peoples.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Getting from counselor this session who specialized in teaching what I needed. I am horrified to realized the depth of pain  I have cause our relationship. I understand what went wrong with our relationship. I realize that I was the cause of so much of our trouble.  Neither of us is perfect but I have concluded that I have hurt you and pushing you the edge.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>
    <div dir=”auto”>I have no excuse for the wrongs that I have the way I have treated you.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>
    <div dir=”auto”>I also my words have not meaning unless they are backed up by my action.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I know it will not be easy for you to trust because I have broken promise made to you before.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Getting support from specialist meaning not I have changed now.  I still have to earn, learn and take time.  This is a life long lesson.  I believe that I have to learn every day.  One step forward and two steps back or sometime I need to stop but only I could say to you that I want to change and I will change.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>Reconcile our relationship, I cannot do by myself and only if you consider to reconcile our relationship, please contact me.  This isn’t easy and understand if you need to take time to think about us again.  Also, I understand it will take time to reconceil relationship, not jump into happy conclusion.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I have a little hope but I am not excepting hear from you and I understand that if you ever contact me again.</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>I will end this letter with a very sincere and I wish your happiness always.</div>
    </div>
    </div>
     

    #408954
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    I just returned to the computer after being away for more than 6 hours. I read your first post and I want to reply to both posts Mon morning (too tired now, it being 6:30 pm my time) after giving all that you shared all of my attention. You are welcome to add anything you’d like to add, on any topic, including on the topic of friends/ making friends, here on this thread.

    anita

    #408963
    Kaya
    Participant

    Good morning, Anita.
    Thank you so much for your reply again.  I appreciated again your time and spend/share you time for support me.
    I’m so glad that I found the Tiny Buddha website and forum.  So glad to met you in here, too!!!

    Have a lovely day!

    #408969
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are very welcome! This will be a long post because I will reply to many items in what you shared. Please take your time reading and processing the information: no reason to rush.

    I’m the Human resource director and I should not make ‘friends’ in the office“- from online (hr university): “A human resources director is the most senior HR professional in the department and is responsible for taking executive HR decisions regarding policies, practices, and strategies…It requires strong organizational skills, an acute sense of business administration, and solid leadership skills“.

    In regard to reconciling your romantic relationship and managing it, if you do reconcile, you will have to exercise strong leadership skills over your own emotions and behaviors, and to take executive decisions regarding policies, practices and strategies that apply to your behaviors within the relationship.

    Let’s look at a past behavior within the relationship: “We argued/fought once in a while.  Most of the time because of my behavior“- here is a suggested policy (if reconciled): no arguments and fights for any reason. Peaceful conversations leading to conflict resolutions that satisfy both parties is the chosen alternative.

    Another behavior: “I also wanted to answer or talk NOW… I have kept pushing him… short temper (sometime)… he doesn’t want to talk.  I kept talking to him and push him to the edge… If I ask him to go out or make a plan for trip, he doesn’t give me an answer but I want to have NOW“-  another policy: no pushing him. When you feel like pushing him (when you feel angered and impatient) , pause the communication/ take time-out, address the situation in your own mind/ in writing perhaps, and return to the communication with him when you are calm and prepared.

    Let’s look at the emotions behind pushing him: “I do not like to be ignored… I would like to have all attention.  I take lots of things negativity.  My ex is enjoying with friends, I feel behind the backstage.  They are talking about old story, which I do not have any idea (about)… he makes a plan with his friends but not me?  It made me upset and more pushy“- you shared nothing about your childhood, but I imagine that you grew up too often being ignored, unattended to, left behind: other family members being frontstage while you were backstage. Those unfortunate experiences made you angry then… and now (childhood experience projected into current life circumstances). Is my understanding correct?

    Another behavior: “I could not express my feeling much so I just said NO or I said I do not like it.  I should give him more reasons each time… No excuse but English is my second language and every time I want to say something important, I feel not confidence and feels like this is not exactly what I want to say….  I do not have problems with regular conversation or text but something important, I do not know enough vocabulary“-  it could be that when you get emotional, particularly, when you get angry, your language use is compromised. There is a saying: when anger goes up, IQ goes down. In other words, when angry, our cognitive skills, including our language skills, suffer. (This is why it is so important to pause communication and take time out when angry).

    I will slightly grammatically edit the following for an easier read: “A little about my ex: he was growing up with an abusive and dishonest father; father and mother were always fighting each other, domestic violence level, and finally she left him.  Every time they have started a fight, he and his brother hid in the closet.  His mother has control issue and he doesn’t like to be told what to do.  His mother married three times and divorce now“- this means to me that he does not need a woman who will argue, fight, push, tell him what to do,  and otherwise express aggression and hostility (no man does).

    * In regard to you sharing earlier about the hugs and kisses you’ve exchanged lately, while not being intimate/ sexual otherwise, it tells me that he still likes you.  His reply email to you (“I understand. I am sorry for my part in any of this. Let me know how I can help“), if it is consistent with his behaviors, indicates to me that he is a decent man who takes responsibility for his part in situations that go wrong, instead of projecting all the blame to another person.

    I do not have any at office but private time, I do not have control myself“- I did not understand this sentence. Would you like to rewrite it?

    In regard to this sentence in the message-draft: “Getting from counselor this session who specialized in teaching what I needed“- better that you shortly list what specifically you have been taught by (one?) counselor.

    I don’t understand this sentence: “You may not agree with me but if he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship, I do not want to hear anymore“- the “you” in the beginning of the sentence is referring to him or to me? Do you mean to say, in this sentence, that if he doesn’t want to reconcile, you want to have no more contact with him?

    This is my slightly edited version of the message-draft: “I have completed my first session of inpatient therapy: lots of exercises, meditation, eating healthy, community support and meeting other people. I am horrified to realize the depth of pain  I have cause our relationship. I understand what went wrong with our relationship. I realize that I was the cause of so much of our troubles.  Neither of us is perfect but I have concluded that I have hurt you and pushed you the edge. I have no excuse for the wrong ways I  treated you. I also understand that my words have no meaning unless they are backed up by my actions. I know it will not be easy for you to trust me because I have broken promise made to you before. Getting professional help and support does not mean instant change: I still have to earn, learn more, and take time.  This is a lifelong lesson.  I believe that I have to learn every day.  One step forward and two steps back. I cannot reconcile our relationship by myself. If you consider to reconcile our relationship, please contact me.  I understand that this isn’t easy, and that you need to take time to think about us again.  Also, I understand it will take time to reconcile, no jumping into a happy conclusion. I have little hope, but still, I hope. I will end this letter with a very sincere wish for your happiness, always”.

    My comment in regard to this message-draft: if you tell him that learning (to change your negative behaviors: fighting, arguing, pushing) is a lifetime lesson and that there will be steps forward and backward, his understanding may be that you expect to repeat negative behaviors from time to time (as you step backward). If this is your understanding then what you are offering him is not good enough because he needs to know that, if reconciled, you will not repeat negative behaviors no matter how you feel. You may want to incorporate my 4th and 5th paragraphs above (the two behavioral policies that I suggested) into the message.

    anita

    #408998
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita.
    Thank you so much again for all your time.  I appreciated your support.
    It will take a few days to process but I will answer the small questions which you have above.

    I do not like being ignored.  at elementary school, I was invisible.  All my classmates ignore me because some of the girls were mean to me in class and I fought back.  The teacher was by my side but the next day, all my classmates did not speak to me for years.  middle school time, my long-term friend became one famous singer.  My father and his mother were growing up together and I played with him when I was a little sometime.  My schoolmates asked me to get VIP tickets and wanted to meet him but I refused their request.   Here you go again, all my classmates did not talk to me.  I was invisible.

    I do not have any…. A spell check may change my words.  Sorry.  I meant that I do not have any communication problems at work so far but I do have a problem in my private time.  I could control myself at work but not in my private time, become a short temper, etc but not at the work.  If I do, I would not keep this job.

    Specialized counseling: I’m learning, and practicing Self-control, and CBT Therapy.  I had a group session and learned NPARR practice.  Notice, pause, Address, Respond and Redirect.  This isn’t easy to apply but I’m practicing NPARR with my family.

    Thank you again for your long comments and thank you again for sharing your time and supporting me.
    I will need a few days to process and understand the meaning of your words.

    #409007
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are welcome, Kaya. Take your time and add to what you posted above. Post again when you are calm and reflective. Good night for now and take good care of yourself!

    anita

    #409027
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    I had a group session and learned NPARR practice.  Notice, pause, Address, Respond and Redirect.  This isn’t easy to apply but I’m practicing NPARR with my family“- that’s wonderful… The NPARR practice is something I came up with, you must have read posts I submitted to other members in regard to this.

    You shared that at elementary school, a few girls were mean to you in class, you fought back, the teacher was on your side, but as a result of you fighting back and/ or as a result of the teacher being on your side (which one is it?), your classmates ignored you for years. In middle school, your schoolmates requested that you get them VIP tickets for an event, you refused, and they ignored you.

    I do not have any communication problems at work…  I could control myself at work but not in my private time, I  become short tempered, etc.,  but not at the work.  If I do, I would not keep this job“- you should extend your practice of self-control to the context of your private friendships and relationships because if you don’t … you would not keep a friend or boyfriend .

    Thank you again..  I will need a few days to process and understand the meaning of your words“-You are very welcome and I am glad that you are taking your times to process my input. I am looking forward to reading from you again.

    anita

    #409104
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear, Anita.
    I thought I wrote and posted last night but it must be in my dream.
    Thank you for reply my comment again.

    I did not know you come up with NPARR practice!  One of the guys at our group session introduces us to this practice and I love it.  He must know you or read your comments.
    Tell me more about this practice whenever you have a chance.

    Reading lots of books these days but I love to read this website.  I do not read other forums yet but someday.

    I think I will send an email to him next week, after the weekend.  Again, if he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship, it’s okay.  I’m learning a lot and met (?) you on this website.  This is a huge plus in my life.

    I will write you more tomorrow.  I was pretty busy today and I would like to cuddle in my bed with the puppy & kitten.

    Thank you, Anita, and Have a good night.

    #409107
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are welcome and thank you for thinking of me as a plus in your life! I will give you an example of how to use NPARR sometime later (if I forget, please remind me). I hope that you rest well, cuddled with your puppy and kitten, and I am looking forward to read more from you whenever you are ready to post again. Good night, Kaya!

    anita

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