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Reconcile relationship – want to write a letter

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Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 91 total)
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  • #410352
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

    His childeren lives part time.  He doesnt abuse his children, I think he is a good father as I know.  I can report DEA anonymously but if they want to more information, they could contact me.  DEA have a great technology and they can find me via internet connections, etc.  I’m okay with it as long as ex do not find it out.  He asked/offered me to buy cannabis from him and I refused it so, I’m the witness but they have the witness protection if there is any problem.  If DEA catch him when he sale cannabis then too late but DEA visit him and ask questions it may re-think about selling cannabis and not go to the jail but this is my first and last support which I can do for him.
    I deleted his phone number.  I should block it first and I did not.  Silly me.  But if no name income calls, I usually do not answer anyway and I’m 100% sure he won’t contact me anymore.  He was super mad at me.  Good and bad though.

     

     

     

    #410360
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    Contacting the DEA is your choice. I have this to say: reading from you about his anger and verbal abuse of you, I have no reason to assume or to trust that he does not similarly abuse his children. You are not sure yourself: “He doesn’t abuse his children, I think he is a good father as I know“. Also, his children live with him part-time, not full-time. If he is arrested, I assume that his children will be able to live with the other parent, with whom they currently live part-time. Therefore, if I was you, I wouldn’t contact the DEA and I would have no further contact with him, no matter what.

    * I am glad that you are feeling better today than you did yesterday!

    anita

    #410381
    Kaya
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.

    He grew up abusive mother (toxic mother) and I think they are very similar.  When they are happy, they are in so good mood but if not, everything is upside down.  His kids may have been abused by them but they may not understand much yet.  Do not know.  I have 5 years to realize that this is emotional and verbal abuse.
    DEA, I do not know yet.  Thinking.
    I blocked all his family, and friends so they cannot contact me.  I forgot to block him but block his email.  I won’t answer any ID calls and unknown numbers.  I do not want to be near him anymore from yesterday.
    He complain about my vinyl return because he paid for firewood, stove, etc, and complain when I took hangers (for clothes).  Oh, I return all hangers when I dropped off his last belongings/my gifts.  He makes great money, more than doubles my salary but the end of a relationship is all about money.  He kept saying that firewoods, fire stoves, and built fences cost.  I asked him how much but he did not answer.  Only if he sends me an invoice then I will send my check, the last contact but I hope not.  I did not take any of my gifts back. So cheap and pitiful.

     

    #410390
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are welcome. You shared that it took you 5 years to realize that what you received from this man (when he was not in a good mood) was “emotional and verbal abuse“. Congratulations for realizing this!!!

    He grew up abusive mother (toxic mother) and I think they are very similar.  When they are happy, they are in so good mood but if not, everything is upside down“- abuse normally happens when the abuser is unhappy, it is in the nature of abuse that the abuser abuses when he/ she is unhappy. Don’t let the times when he was happy- and not abusive- confuse you.

    I do not want to be near him anymore since yesterday“- I wouldn’t either!

    I forgot to block him but block his email.  I won’t answer any ID calls and unknown numbers“- if and when you get a call from an unknown number and you find out that it is his number because he’d leave a message, let’s say, block him then.

    He complained about my vinyl return because he paid for firewood, stove, etc… He makes great money, more than double my salary but the end of a relationship is all about money“-   at the end of the relationship with you, it is all about (I think) his relationship with his toxic mother. Maybe his anger is about all that he gave his mother and how she didn’t appreciate all that he gave her and all that he did for her.

    Only if he sends me an invoice then I will send my check“- I don’t think that if you send him a check, it will resolve his anger because, like I wrote above, I think it’s about what he gave his mother and about his anger at her.

    anita

     

    #410421
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

    You are so amazing!  I will consult you if I ever date with someone again but I do not think so.  I’m enough.
    > don’t think that if you send him a check, it will resolve his anger because, like I wrote above, I think it’s about what he gave his mother and about his anger at her.

    I took last third trip to return my gift from him and his tools, made him more mad!  He mad at me because I said forget it first then I mail it.  That’s why I took the tird trip to therer.  Seems like anything I do, he is upset me anyway.  I wish him nothing.  I’m bad, I cannot say happiness or anything.  I wish he goes to Hxxx but I should not say any negative words.  Shame on me thinking about it.  People said “revenge” do not make you happy but i do not agree with it.  I revenge the person before, my long time ago ex bf took my money and never return it then broke up on me.  So I called his company (he was in military), talked his boss.  His boss did not take it seriously so, I use my connection and talked to ex’s boss’s boss!  Yes, both of them got in trouble but I feel so good.  Am I bad?

    #410434
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    I’m bad… I wish he goes to Hxxx … Shame on me thinking about it“- you are not a bad person for thinking anything you happen to be thinking. Thoughts just happen to be there, we most often don’t choose them. No choice=no badness/ goodness= no shame/ no pride.

    People said ‘revenge’ do not make you happy but I do not agree with it.  I revenge the person before, my long time ago ex bf took my money and never return it then broke up on me.  So I called his company (he was in military), talked his boss.  His boss did not take it seriously so, I use my connection and talked to ex’s boss’s boss!  Yes, both of them got in trouble but I feel so good.  Am I bad?“- you are not bad for thinking revenge or for feeling revenge. As far as calling his boss’s boss, if the result of the call was that your ex learned his lesson and returned your money, or he learned his lesson and did not take another woman’s money, then your act was a good act.

    If the result of your calls was that your ex was fired, wasn’t able to feed his children and they starved to death, then your act was bad. So, in regard to your response to injustice and valid anger: think about the bigger picture/ the results of your planned act: who will it hurt and how. Your act can be a good act if it causes an ex to treat women better; it can be a bad act, if it causes innocent people to suffer.

    anita

    #410447
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear, Anita.

    Long time ago ex story, he return the money because his boss’s boss told him to do immidetely.  Did he get into trouble with work?  Honestly, I do not know.  I complete cut him out and I did not care after I received my money.  Sorry I had cold blood at the tims.  My revenge will hurt only the person but I do not know.  Look at a big picture, may be effect someone else?
    Example of my ex.  If I report to DEA, does he lose his job?  May be, may be not.  If his company find it then he may.  Do I care? I do not care.  He should not take illgary sale.  Yes, this is not my business so I should not report to DEA?  End up to the jail or lost a job.. which is the better future?  May be you are right and I just wanted to destroy him.  He hurts me so well and I just want to destory him different way.

    I think I have a big problem here.  Now I think myself.  If I upset someone, I will crush them until they cannot get up.
    I remember when I was a little, I argue with my older sister but I was strong enough to mean to her.  She was so sweet person and I was mean person.  I was mean to her (not violence, say mean words to her) until she cry.
    Oh my….I have a huge mental issue do I??

     

    #410449
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya: I need to be away from the computer for a while. I will read and reply in as long as 17 hours from now. Please try to relax best you can!

    anita

    #410462
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita.

     

    Thank you for letting me know and thank you again for your support always.

    #410489
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are welcome! “He returned the money because his boss’s boss told him to do so immediately.  Did he get into trouble with work?  Honestly, I do not know“- reads to me that he didn’t get fired: he returned the money to you and kept his job. Good initiative on your part to call his boss’s boss, well done, Kaya!

    Sorry I had cold blood at the time“- you seem to be very uncomfortable with feeling anger. Feeling anger makes you feel that you are a bad person, doesn’t it? As in good people don’t get angry; bad people get angry?

    If I report to DEA, does he lose his job?  Maybe, maybe not. ..Do I care? I do not care.  He should not make an illegal sale…. Maybe you are right and I just wanted to destroy him.  He hurt me so (much) and I just want to destroy him in a different way. I think I have a big problem here. Now I think myself.  If I am upset at someone, I will crush them until they cannot get up“-

    -when you feel that a person is hurting you, or is threatening to hurt you, you instinctively and naturally feel anger. It’s like this not only for humans but for other animals. You can’t get rid of nature= of anger. Feeling anger, wanting to crush someone until they cannot get up, does not make you a bad person. It makes you… a person.

    The more passive a person is, the more you allow another person to do whatever he/she wants to do to you – the angrier you naturally get. Often a passive person’s anger builds up to the point of erupting aggressively: the otherwise quiet person becomes loud; the otherwise gentle person becomes rough. When that happens, the passive-turned-aggressive person feels guilty and angry with oneself, and quite confused, thinking something like: who is the bad person in this situation and who is the good person in this situation?

    * The healthy way to be is neither passive nor aggressive. Instead: to be assertive. Assertiveness is a set of skills, mental and behavioral, skills we need to learn and get better at. These skills lead to mental clarity and healthy relationships.

    I remember when I was little, I argue with my older sister but I was strong enough to be mean to her.  She was so sweet person and I was mean person.  I was mean to her (not violence, say mean words to her) until she cry. Oh my….I have a huge mental issue do I??“-

    -I imagine that what happened was something like this: a parent or another grown up in your home where you grew up- hurt you repeatedly, with no apologies. You were naturally angry at that grown up, but couldn’t stand up for yourself/ couldn’t fight back because you were only a child, and you were afraid of that grown up hurting you even more if you stood up for yourself. Being mistreated over time (as so many, many children are), the anger built and built and it.. had to go somewhere. So, there’s your older sister who acts sweet and non-threatening, you are not afraid of her, and you allow your anger to be directed at her.

    What are your thoughts about what I wrote here so far?

    anita

    #410501
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    today was a busy day.  A busy day is good for me, I do not have to think about anything.

    I was thinking about what he has done and he said to me these past years.  I wanted to think of happy memories but since this weekend, I could not think anymore.  Sad.
    I decided to send an email to DEA.
    I do not make the story, I just let them know what I know.
    Why did I decide to do this?  I was told by one of my friends who lives outside of the state that she knows my ex.  We spend time together when she came over here.  She told me that she was very concerned about me and she talked to/emailed my ex.
    She said she would like to have a distance with me.  After she spoke with my ex, she realized how cold-blood a person I am.
    Never appreciated what he has done, use him only as labor…etc… I could not believe it and I could not believe she took his side.
    We have been friends for over 10 years but it’s over.
    Did he tell her the true story?  Some of yes but 90 plus % is not true.
    So sad and I could not say anything.  And he sent an email to my sister telling the story of how I was mean to him.
    I and my sister are not too close and of course, she believed his story.
    I think this is enough reason I do not need to have a reason but I decided to contact DEA.

    I’m sad, I’m done and I’m enough of this life.

     

    #410502
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    I read your recent post of an hour ago, and I can feel how badly you feel. But before replying to your recent post, can you reply to the post I sent you last (5.5 hours ago)?

    anita

    #410503
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear, Anita.

    An eye for an eye、and a tooth for a tooth. I remember this sentence over and over when I growing up.
    I think I became cold blood person since my ex husband who abused me.
    Let me read your message more cafefully and let me process your each word.  I will reply this message later.

    Thank you again for sharing your time for me.  (((Hugs)))

     

    #410504
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    Take your time reading and replying to my message. I will be back to the computer in about 12 hours. Hugs back to you!

    anita

    #410649
    Kaya
    Participant

    Good morning, Anita.

    Happy Thanksgiving.

    I went to my therapist yesterday.  He was so happy that I picked up all my belongings.  He said my ex wanted to hold my belongings = wanted to control you even after the breakup.  He was mad because I picked up all.
    After I read your message and I did not realize how much effect my child’s days.
    So, I talked to my therapist about my child’s days and we will start to work on it.
    Also, I do not have any anger or disappointment or any negative feeling toward him much as before.
    I won’t say good luck or wish you a happy life, be honest I do not feel the way at all!
    But after I was speaking therapist about him, my therapist thinks he has controlling issues and anger issues with his mother.
    This relationship failed because both had an issue and we did not work it together.

    Except this, I’m so sad my friend and sister believed my ex but, I cannot control what they believe or not.  I just let them go too.  I must be tired of my mind and if something is so complicated, I just wanted to let it go.
    Is this wrong?  Should I deal with each problem?

    Thank you for your support always.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 91 total)

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