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Reconcile relationship – want to write a letter

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  • #409501
    Kaya
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita,

    All that he said when he was upset or he thinks it was a joke, etc.
    He has done lots of good things too but when I re-think about these words, I have a question myself.

    I’m healthy but get sick easier than others and I have had multiple surgeries (arthritis) he told me I’m a disabled person, and always have problems.
    Not have to protect ourselves when we have intercourse.  he said you are too old and I do not have to worry about your pregnancy.
    I’m crazy, need to go to a mental hospital.  you waste my time, I invest my time in you but you are nothing.
    You have too many stains (brown spots) on my face.
    You are selfish, and overreacting.
    (He stays at his female friend’s house who is single and wants to be with him. – he said we are friends. I’m overreacting.
    Share a hotel room with his best friend’s wife and daughter.  One bedroom only.)
    Making plans by himself or with friends but not asking me.
    He was working at his house with his son and I do not have anything to do.  So I decided to go home… then he was so upset and called me selfish again.  He thinks I should clean his room during he was working outside.
    His mother was a bully to me but he doesn’t support me.  He told me enough to listen to my complaint about his mother.
    Everyone bully by her (including himself) and I should ignore it.  Their rule or no rules.
    I’m a bad mother that’s why my son become depressed (My son is okay now)
    Last… a few years ago, he cheated on me with his ex-wife!
    He did not want to go to counseling with me because he have done with it. his ex-wife and did not work it out.
    He did not want to buy any jewelry because he spend lots of money on his ex wife.

    Too many negative words during this relationship but not always.

    #409502
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are welcome. I am glad that I asked you this question in my last reply, which you answered in your most recent post, otherwise I wouldn’t have known that the man you’ve been trying to reconcile with has been verbally-emotionally abusive to you: he told you that you “always have problems”, that you are “too old… crazy, need to go to a mental hospital”, that you “need to go to a mental hospital…  Too many negative words during this relationship but not always“-

    – do you want to reconcile with him because he doesn’t always abuse you?

    You wrote and asked in your post before the most recent: “There are lots of my belonging at his house so, want to pick these up…  I think my anxiety or negative feeling are attached to him and I need to let them go…. Is this make sense to you?“-

    –  Yes, it makes sense to me that your mental health will improve if let him and the relationship go, and if you pick up a very important belonging that doesn’t belong to him: your self-esteem and worth!

    anita

    #409503
    Kaya
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita.

    I did not think he was emotionally, or verbally abusive to me until recently. I thought all my fault!
    Yes, he doesn’t always say negative words to me but I know I should not reconcile with him.
    When I started writing here, I was still not sure and I wanted to reconcile our relationship.
    Since taking counseling and making a journal myself, I was thinking is this emotional and verbal abuse?? or my fault?

    50% of me said forget about your belongings.  No need to contact him anymore.
    50% of me said I should take all my belongings.  Some of them are valuable.  (Original Vinyl – which he may not return these to me though)
    I’m thinking that contact him tomorrow night and if I can pick these up, if I still want to pick these up.
    I still have time and I will let you know.

    I’m so glad to tell you about him.  I was not smart enough to realized it was a type of abuse.
    All I though was my fault.

    #409507
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are welcome. A few days ago, on Oct 29, you wrote (grammatically edited just a bit): “He hurt me but it may (be) caused by my negative behavior“- imperfect behavior (ex., not being good at describing your feelings: “I could not express my feeling much“, original post),  does not justify abuse. If imperfection justified abuse, it would have been okay for every single person in the world to abuse and be abused, wouldn’t it?

    I know I should not reconcile with him“- please don’t.

    I’m thinking that contact him tomorrow night and if I can pick these up, if I still want to pick these up“- unless you are afraid for your physical safety, or you feel that you cannot go through with it emotionally, I suggest that exchange belongings as soon as possible, with minimal contact between the two of you, and outside the presence of your dog.

    anita

    #409509
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear, Anita

    Thank you so much again and I hope I do not interrupt your work or your daily routine.
    Thank you for your kindness and support me.

    99.9% I’m safe.  He won’t physically abuse me, he has never done.
    verbally only.  So, I have to make sure I’m ready for it if he answers the phone and lets me pick up my belongings.
    He may be upset and change his attitude when I ask him to return my vinyl.  Valuable and he wants to keep these.
    I’m 100% sure his mother will be at home so, he should be okay.  I hope.

    He won’t answer my phone or reply to his text if he doesn’t feel like it.
    If so, I will ask him to ship my belongings.

    I will let you know.
    Thank you again for your kindness and support.

     

    #409510
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are very welcome. How kind of you to care about my work and daily routine, thank you!

    99.9% I’m safe… He may be upset and change his attitude“- his Attitude and Upset cannot hurt you as long as you are physically safe, and as long as you minimally interact with him, solely for the purpose of exchanging belongings.

    If he will get upset because he wants you to wait for him and chase him while he controls the situation, taking his time to decide when and where to be with you, then I am fine with him getting upset because I don’t want him to have control over your life, I want you to have control over your life!

    Until you update me, be well!

    anita

     

    #409532
    Kaya
    Participant

    Good morning, Anita
    It’s Friday and the weekend is coming.
    Anyway, I called him this morning and he did not answer the phone.  I was going to send the text but I decided to wait for a day.
    After a while, I received an email from him.
    “It’s good to hear that you’re doing well. I didn’t think your situation was causing you so much pain. It’s hard to realize how things bring us to certain places. I see you reaching out and I’m not avoiding you but will call you when the time is right. Ok? Glad you’re doing better.”
    I did not understand “your situation was causing you so much pain”, I think he meant to say himself.
    So, now I cannot reconnect with him until he contacts me.  I know I could if I want to but if I do, he will be mad at me again.
    This is what happened most of the time.  I used to push through it if I wanted to see or do it.  I no longer do this.
    But again, I cannot get back my belongings for a while.  It could be a few days, a few weeks, or a few months.
    Mentally, I can talk to him if he is normal but I do not want to hear any negative words from him anymore.  I’m broken and I cannot take anymore negative words from him.

    I like to hear black/white answer which sometimes is good but sometimes not.
    I read this email as he has no interest to reconcile with me so, why did not say it?  Move on, let it go.

    I should not think that I cannot control.  So, I will relax during the weekend.
    I wish I have a friend who can go out with me.
    Thank you again Anita for your warm and kind support every day.
    You may not know how much your daily message helps me every day.
    If I know where you are, or I can meet you, I would love to give you huge hugs.

    #409535
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    You are very welcome, good morning to you and virtual hugs back to you (It would have been nice to hug you in person)!

    He sent you an email saying that he will contact you when it is convenient for him (“when the time is right” for him), and you accepted and are willing to wait as long as a few months before asking for your belongings back. Reads to me that (1) you are still partly if not wholly hoping that he will call when (his) time is right and have you back as his girlfriend, and (2)  you are afraid that he will get angry at you and become verbally abusive yet again.

    I wish the above 2 things weren’t true, but they are, aren’t they?

    anita

    #409539
    Kaya
    Participant

    Hello again.

    Thank you for the quick reply.
    From my last email, he thinks I want to reconcile our relationship and that’s why he wants to have time to think and talk to me.
    I could say no, and I have changed my mind, I do not want to reconcile our relationship so, give me back my belongings.
    But if I do, he will get mad at me.  I’m pretty sure. and I do not have the energy or do not have strong emotions to handle him if he upset me and talking negative words to me again.

    Only this reason, I decided to remain silent and not take any action.  I do want to close this chapter but again, I cannot take any more negative words from him.  Journal is help me but reminds me of what he said and how he said it to me.

    I do not care about my clothes but I do care for my vinyl which is my father’s collection.
    I wish I can hire someone and take care of this mess but all my fault.

     

    #409543
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    I do not care about my clothes but I do care for my vinyl which is my father’s collection“- what if you send him a short email, saying something like: I am very sorry to bother you, but I would feel so much better at this time if I had my vinyl back, it is part of my father’s collection and it will give me great comfort to have it with me. Will you be so kind as to mail it to me (or allow me to pick it up at your convenience)?

    anita

    #409550
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear, Anita.

    I was thinking about and processing your email.  I cannot do it and I wish I can do so.

    I have a mental, and emotional breakdown now.

    I received a phone call from his family member.  His family is very close to each other and one of his nieces and I became really good friends.  Since our breakup, she called me often but I did not answer her calls.  Not against her but did not feel like it.
    She text me a few times and she wants to talk.  She did not say anything about our breakup issue.
    This morning, I finally answer her calls which I regret but too late.
    She told me what he said about me (through from his mother to other family member).  Also she was with his friends and his friend told me the another story of me too.

    I told them I do not have any comment and thank you for calling me.
    But if you want to talk about our relationship, please do not bother to call me.  I do not share my relationship with anyone.
    Then I hung up.

    It gave me final stub into my heart.
    If this happen was before I started to take therapy, I would call him or send him text with my anger.
    But, I took time to process what he said about me. Actually, I’m still processing.
    I won’t hurt myself but made me think I wanted to disappeard from this life.
    I was not a good person but I was not evil.  I’ve never say bad about him or pick on him.
    I was selfish, but I’ve never vervlly harassing him.

    I do not understand.  If he hate me or not reconcile our relationship with me why  he finish it?
    pity me?

    I thought I’m okay if his family member or his friends said about me because they are nothing to me.  but I was not okay.
    Remind me when I was a little, people bully me, ignore me.

    I’m so tired and I do not want to wake up for a while until everything is okay.

    Sorry for writing negative feeling in this message.

    #409551
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    I am sorry you are feeling so badly! “She told me what he said about me“- what did she say that he said?

    anita

    #409556
    Kaya
    Participant

    well….
    She (me) is selfish, self-centered, and has no kindness.  I (him) spend so much time and help to fix houses, not appreciation.
    Bought a wood stove, and paid half of the firewood, no thanks either.  She is a taker.
    She thinks she is smart but she is not.  I understand her ex’s feelings, who wants to spend time and life with her?
    Always complain and negative words, every day.  Not healthy and always have health issues.
    Complain, complain all the time.  she is crazy, psycho.
    I know why she doesn’t have any friends, who want to be her friend?  She is not fun at all.  Waste a couple of years of my life with her.  Nagging and nonstop contact me.  I wish she is gone, go back to somewhere else, not here.
    I was out of my mind why did I spend this much time with her?  I wish she disappeared from me now.  drive me crazy.
    she is a b-witch and she was never nice and liked my mother.  Always complain about my mother.  She was not good enough for me and she is old (yes, a few months older than him).  She thinks she is pretty and looks young, but I bet she never sees the real mirror. she is okay.

    I could write more but I will stop now.

    I’ve never thought someone said this much about me behind my back.
    I’m nothing.  I want to be invisible.  I did not know I was this much mean and nasty person.

     

    #409557
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kaya:

    He said all that behind your back while in his recent email to you he was polite and gracious… two faced then… sometimes gracious, other times abusive..

    What you concluded in the last line of your recent post (“I’m nothing… mean and nasty person”) is UNTRUE. You are someone special… and you are nice and kind, always have been so in your thread. Reject this abuse, you don’t deserve it, and get your vinyl back never to see him or hear him or about him ever again!

    anita

    #409580
    Kaya
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you again for your message and thank you for sharing your free time with me.
    I’m processing, thinking, and accepting the fact.
    Same time, I found an unused container and packed all his clothes in the box, and took it to the basement, next to his 4 tires.

    I want to talk more but I feel empty and hurt inside me.
    Sorry, but I will close tonight.
    Thank you again for your time and support every day.

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 91 total)

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