Dear Anita.

Hope you still have power.

You are so kind and an amazing!  What are you?  I wish I have you next by me.  I wish I have a friend like you.  Listen me, cheer me up and teach me., etc.

No one knows except him though why he is talking nicely via email but stubbing me my back?
I did not say anything so he doesn’t know I have change my mind our reconcile relationship but if he doesn’t want to, why he did not say so?
His last reply said “It’s hard to realize how things bring us to certain places. I see you reaching out and I’m not avoiding you but will call you when the time is right. Ok? “.
Am I wrong this meaning as he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship?  If so, why he says will call you when the time is right….
If, only if I still wanted to reconcile our relationship, I have to wait until he contact me then he dump me, broken my heart again? He wants to give me a huge damage?
I have very hard time to understand “gray” answer from anyone.

I just wanted to understand what he wants from me?  If he wants to me disappered from him, give me back my belonginigs and tell me whatever he wants to say, I will be gone.
I feel like he is playing with my feeling and controlling me whatever he wants to do now.

Another reason, I do not say anthing to him.
He could complete ignore me or block me then I could not have my belonginigs.  Or He may say he doesn’t have vinyl.  Of course, I cannot visit his house without permission.
Yes, I’m very chicken but I do not make him upset.  Emotionally, I cannot take it and also, I’m afraid of he won’t return my vinyl. It’s possible…

All my fault.  I choose him into my life.  Since his family member told me the story, I should disappeard, I have problems, no one loves me…. I cannot remove negative words from my heads.  I won’t hurt myself but I’m at the edge of the cliff now.

Good morning, Anita.

I was meditating last night ~ early morning.  As I said before, I could not sleep well anyway.
A little better but there is nasty anger, hate feeling in my heart.

I was thinking about one of my best friend, who passed away with COVID.  We worked together for long years and he went to differnt company and overseas but we were remain friend.  We did not talk every month but he was there for me always.
I was talking to him last night (in my head).  If I tell this story to him, what he may say to me?
I’m sure he said I told you!  He didn’t care or did not like my ex.  I guess my ex is okay as friend but not for my partner.  I should listen my friend.

I called my uncle who live in overseas (I did not tell full story but partial of it) and he said If my dad is here (he past away 12 years ago), he would say do not need these (vinyl), forget about it.
He would say most of materials you can buy if you have money but i canot buy you from anywhere.  You are taking your responsibility of your part and let it go.
I also decided to change my phone number.  My uncle said give him a few month, which I did not like to wait for a few months but he said a great time to start your new life with new phone number as of 1/1 2023.  So, I will change my phone number as of 1/1/2023.  Even though he contact me before, I will change my number.  I did not want to change my phone number because, I have to contact all my bank, utility company, clinic, etc.  But if I do, no one able to contact me except I give my new number (which my co-worker and several my out of state friends).

I need to practice how to remove this nastiy anger, hated feeling from me.
I won’t but I wanted to revenge (not sure how I can revenge him) and/or hurt him (which is again, he won’t hurt by me).

Forgivness…. how and why?

Dear Anita.

I’m very sorry for not responding to you for a while.
At my work, we had a sad tragic death.  Mother was our co-worker to be this month.  Her 15 years old daughter ended her life.  I had to support who was the first response team.  One of the gu was junior FF (FireFighter) and he was there at there and he mentally crashed.  The first time has seen the dead body and also she was his younger sister’s age.  It was on the evening news and lots of media came over and we had to deal with it.

I completely shut down my PC and phone for a week.  I did not want to deal with anything except work-related.
I’m sorry I could not let you know about this earlier.

Except for this tragic incident, I’ve been doing okay.  I was so busy and had no time to think about it.
I checked my email today and I had an email from ex.  He said, he is coming to my town and asking about my schedule.
I called him today and chat a while.  We were okay with each other.
He said he was coming this way but did not say what he wants or what reason so I asked him about his winter tire.
He said yes, would like to pick it up…. but I told him that I do not want him to come to my house.  So, I said I will figure it out and let you know.  I did not give him any quick answer and he was okay.  I was concerned about my dog who loves my ex.  She is doing okay without seeing him nowadays so I want to keep my distance.  He understood and he said better the way.
Also, he asked me about my winter pajama and boots which I may need to have.  I did not care but I thanked his concern about it.  Asked him, Do you want me to pick up all my belongings, I asked him then he said NO…

Does he want to play the game again or keep my belongings and control me?

Anything he said during our conversation, I was so relaxed and thinking processing each of his words.
I think I could ask him for all my belongings return but I will wait for a while.
Since practicing not jumping to conclusions, processing…. It works for me.  I could deal with him without any fears.
I have my new therapist appointment Tuesday morning.  I will let you know how it works.

Long week and I just need to relax for an extra few more days.

I will message you again tomorrow.
Thank you for thinking of me and sorry for the delay in my response.