Thanks Mark so much, I think that is a good advice, that is what I needed. I will try not let my feelings get the better of me contacting her, I just fear its over now with how happy she seemed that she got rid of me, she was very clear in saying that it was over and that there was no way back. 3 years has to mean something though, even if she does feel more independent and appreciated now, I might have brought her into a hole unintentionally, and she says she fears going back to that if she went near me again, but I just want to prove myself to her, even if it was just for 5 minutes.

Thanks Inky, but I dont know about cutting contact completly, because from what I know now, shes done wondering, and is having the time of her life without me, I just want to show her that I wont make it worse, and that I was only ever loyal to her! She was my first love, my only love, and its just to much of a risk for me. Shes been telling me that I have to move on, so I dont think she would wonder, I just feel if there is any small tiny glimour of light will be gone forever in  a few weeks for her, and I dont want that.

Yes you are right, I should always put college first, but there was other factors to, like I play football at a pretty competitive level as a passion, but it has required a huge amount of commitment, and Ive put our relationship behind football for a few occasions in the past, and she is very bitter about it. I just have all this free time now and I just feel like its completely wasted, I dont start work for a few months and im all alone at home, with my good friends having emigrated. Maybe thats why I am so upset, every time i think of her / mentioned her by someone, my stomach churns uncontrollably, and I am not the emotional type! I just think all the stuff ive put her through, for example, not giving her enough affection, sometimes wearing smelly clothes on a date, bad language, not complimenting her looks, not tell her I wouldn’t commit to moving to where her work would be in future (restricted because shes becoming a pilot), not standing up for her in front of my own friends, public affection, unthoughtful humour, small lies to avoid conflicts, not keeping to her high clean standards, not getting regular haircuts, bad table manners, bad dress style. I can see now where shes coming from with all these points, and I completly agree with her, and thats why I just want to prove to her that Ive got rid of these bad traits.