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December 22, 2024 at 12:41 am #440918
HelcatParticipantHi John
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
A couple of my friends have a fear of death.
For one, they don’t want to leave their family and that is the source. Their love is so strong that they fight death.
For another, the fear is a result of trauma. Being raised very religious and terrorized with stories about going to hell at a young age. Feeling like they were doomed because of being lgbtq.
For another, they had no contact with their family and lost their best friend suddenly at a young age and were traumatized by that experience.
I know what you mean. There are questions that I haven’t asked you because I know that death is a sensitive topic and I don’t want to cause you undue stress. I am very open to questions, so please feel free if you have any.
I’m glad that you have found a place where you can have open honest discussions. I feel like that is a beautiful thing. 😊
Thank you for the suggestion. I have written that type of letter. But I haven’t shared it with my loved ones. I don’t tend to talk about my past experiences of trauma with anyone. I’m used to supporting people and often people are unable to support me. Even with current issues, I don’t tend to talk about them. This is why I share here. I have difficulties being vulnerable and trusting people.
It is fascinating to learn about the different perspectives on suffering. I feel like people often perceive suffering as a weakness. In media, I believe it as a form of entertainment, designed to provoke emotion because without that people would be bored and it would not be as popular. It bothers me that a lot of unhealthy behaviours are displayed in media because people often repeat what they see on television and confuse that with reality.
I’m curious about the book you recommended. It sounds really interesting. I will definitely give it a read. I am busy with studying for my exams at the moment, so I don’t have a lot of free time right now. But next week I will have some free time.
I am aware of death. I have been aware of it from a young age because I grew up on a farm. I never really saw it as a bad thing partially because of that. I have been aware of my own risk of dying since childhood. I feel like I’m sitting on the proverbial fence about the issue. I don’t see much point in reflecting on it unless something that seems to threaten my life comes up. Beyond planning what I would like to do with my life that is. I learned that the only thing that is truly important to me are my loved ones. Other experiences are good to have, but ultimately don’t hold the same meaning or value.
I did really enjoy the Tibetan book of the dead. Very fascinating stuff. What do you think about the perspective of preparing for death? To die in a good calm way? I would like to volunteer in a hospice at some point. I am waiting to see how I respond to some of my older friends passing. I have seen people be alone in old age. I don’t believe that is something anyone deserves.
Very interesting insight on wisdom, compassion and awakening!
I think that there is more than one way to develop compassion. Suffering can be one way, but I believe that it requires human connection to temper the experience.
One of the wisest and most compassionate people I have met had not experienced a lot of suffering personally. She was very lucky to have had a good life. She was aware of what a rare gift that is and dedicated her life to help people overcome their suffering.
It strikes me that you might be similar. But then again, it seems like you have been through some suffering. But I would suggest that your perspective and training helped you to suffer less from the experience than others might. What do you think?
Oh don’t worry. I know that wasn’t your intent. But I still found your words helpful. I was just thanking you for that. 😊
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
December 19, 2024 at 10:36 pm #440881HelcatParticipantHi John
I thought you might be referring to that. 😊 You might have noticed, I have a tendency to explore the uncomfortable too. I’m trying to work on understanding when is the right time to share things. It is something that I struggle with.
I’m glad that some of the things that your mother taught you and needed to unlearn were minor for you.
I’m also conflicted on the idea of short term discomfort and the idea of a later benefit coming from uncomfortable ideas. I’ve experienced benefit many times from uncomfortable ideas, not at the time but many years later. If I don’t understand something, I tend to work on understanding it. I especially believe that outside of therapists, the best way to learn how to heal is to learn about what has helped other people to heal. It would probably be important to share uncomfortable things as sensitively as possible.
I received the advice of forgiving my mother in 2016 and it is really only this year that I finally achieved it. I didn’t understand the benefits at first or how it would even be possible.
I think that I went from embracing my suffering and being buried by it, to rejecting and avoiding my suffering. Neither way is healthy. Perhaps a more reasonable approach is to acknowledge it?
You have a good point in regards to different levels of suffering. I think that duration of suffering is important. How it affects life. There are common human experiences that involve profound suffering. Loss of loved ones for example. I believe that most people experience depression at some point in their lives. The question is, can they recover from it? How do they react to it?
I guess that common human experiences can cause tremendous suffering is my point in regards to everyone suffering. I don’t see trauma as anything special. Because tremendous suffering is a natural part of life.
I don’t necessarily see suffering as bad thing because of my therapy. It hurts yes, but it is temporary in nature and there are positive things that can come from understanding suffering and learning how to cope with it. I believe that these are important lessons.
I guess the truth is that I am more afraid of the pain than seeing it as a bad thing. It is human nature to be afraid of pain though. Perhaps I am afraid of being overwhelmed by it again?
Thank you for pointing out my avoidance, as well as for the kind words about my son! I really appreciate it.
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
December 19, 2024 at 9:50 pm #440880HelcatParticipantHi Peter
I love that you are around more often now! It is so good to see you.
Thank you for sharing the reading recommendation. It sounds like an interesting book.
That is an interesting insight that forgiveness can be used to change patterns. Could you go into a bit more detail about that?
Haha I didn’t make the connection between blank canvas and beginner mind until you pointed it out. I’m way too literal. 😂 It does make sense.
But I also think that an adult beginners mind is not the same thing as a child’s beginners mind. Quite often I see children being referred to as the ideal state, not adulthood.
As a child it is very easy to be happy. A nice breakfast and my son is happy and clapping. A new puppy despite being in a new home with strangers is wagging her tail happily and soaking up the attention. The same breakfast as an adult doesn’t make me happy. We lose something special and become jaded. Lost in our minds, memories and patterns.
It is good to have no preconceptions and be open to teaching, because it is difficult for teachers to correct a bunch of misconceptions.
Love, peace and forgiveness! ❤️🙏
December 19, 2024 at 9:29 pm #440879HelcatParticipantI used to embrace my suffering and I was buried by it. Then I learned to avoid and reject my suffering. Perhaps there is a middle way, to acknowledge my suffering and let it be.
I’m afraid of rejection. Especially with people who reject me or if I perceive rejection. I feel a lot of things that I don’t share. I don’t really show how I feel about them. I am a very caring person. But a cultural thing in the UK is to show that you care without being direct about it.
I do a lot of things that quite often people don’t even notice and can take for granted.
I also have habits of numbing my emotions when I’m hurt, which often makes people feel likeI don’t care when actually I do a lot. I just do these things to be stable enough to have a conversation with someone. Because I’m very sensitive and get hurt easily.
December 19, 2024 at 9:09 pm #440878HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I honestly found your words very helpful and I believe that it is very important for me to remember them. I’m glad that you are happy that your valuable insights were recognized and feel comfortable with me posting them on this thread. I’m glad that you appreciated what I wrote too. ❤️
Love and best wishes, always! ❤️🙏
December 19, 2024 at 8:59 pm #440877HelcatParticipantHi Jana
Regarding worrying about feeling attacked. I think that a way to deal with this is to build up your confidence in coping with these situations and acknowledging that the past was difficult, and it is stressful to deal with these things even as an adult. But! You are an adult and you are very capable of handling difficult situations.
You handled the difficulties with your neighbour well. You deal with criticism from others well. Whilst it does hurt. You are a very capable person. Even as a child, you stood up to bullies and protected others.
My thoughts are that there are bad people in the world, but there are far more average person in the world and there are also good people in the world. The key is being able to tell the difference. The way that people behave with others is a predictor for how they will treat you. People often have patterns. If you listen and watch, you can learn who you should avoid or if forced to interact with them, be very careful around.
I think that if we are careful as adults, very few seriously bad things happen and the bad things that do happen if you take care of yourself well are often unpreventable and unpredictable. I like to compare my fears with outcomes because I have a tendency to catastrophise. I find that it helps to reassure myself that my worst fears are unlikely to come true and that a more tolerable outcome is likely because I am capable and skilled enough to handle emergencies.
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
December 19, 2024 at 2:22 am #440851HelcatParticipantIt occurred to me the other day. That what when difficulties occur, the problem is not necessarily the issue itself, but how we react to it.
For example, when two people have a disagreement about something. It is how they choose to treat each other that is important. Not the disagreement itself.
The willingness for people to work together as a team is the only way to truly win. Being right, “winning the argument”, getting what you want is not important. It is treating each other with kindness and respect that is important.
December 18, 2024 at 1:44 pm #440846HelcatParticipantIt’s been a wild day. Got a new dog. She immediately ran away on the first day after slipping out of her collar (she was not leash trained). Fortunately, a kind stranger found her and took her to the vet and we got her back. She’s getting on really well with our other dog and the baby, so that is good news.
December 18, 2024 at 1:39 pm #440845HelcatParticipantWhen the heart wilts, when it starts to die- while officially alive- that’s when anger turns to rage, sadness to depression, gentleness to harshness, valid needs.. to violence.
There is nothing more important than bringing life back to our hearts and to the hearts of others. Life to the heart means the experience of belonging to the center-stage of humanity: the experience of being as important, as valuable as any other human. The experience of Togetherness with others. The experience of being liked, genuinely liked and trusted. There is no better experience and no other hope for a better world.
This quote is from Anita. I thought it was a really valuable insight and beautifully written. I hope that it is okay for me to share it?
Love and best wishes, always! (on my pc, so no emojis)
December 17, 2024 at 2:59 pm #440816HelcatParticipantI reached out to her when I was pregnant because she has a fear of not seeing her grandkids. I said that she could see him as much as she wanted and she didn’t bother very much. It has been 9 months since she last bothered to see him. She kept cancelling and stopped replying to messages.
Being pregnant sucked. It hurt a lot. It was like carrying around a bowling ball that you never get to put down. On the plus side, no morning sickness. But it didn’t get on well with my health issues. I kept falling and getting faint and had cramps. And I could barely breathe when he got so big he was crushing my lungs. I couldn’t even walk in the end. It was horrible going through all of this without medication. I survived on herbal teas to help me through the flare ups.
I was so scared to have a baby. I had a phobia of having a baby for my whole life because of my trauma. I was terrified that I would be a bad mother and that it would change me like my mother said it changed her. Fortunately, it didn’t. I mean, yes my mental health deteriorated. And I suffered. But I managed to stay myself.
And my life fell apart. We were evicted while I was pregnant. And we had a visa and we had to move house quickly. Then my cat died. The more the pregnancy went on, the more stressed I got. And then of course there is the sheer panic of planning giving birth as someone who has experienced sexual abuse. I was terrified of being retraumatised. The last thing anyone wants giving birth is to go through a massive PTSD episode. Fortunately, the planning went very well.
I wasn’t prepared for how much work a baby was either in the beginning. It was nuts. They say it takes a village… a village would have been very helpful. Even just one person would have been a blessing.
I can’t even think about all of the loss with the pets. I’ve always had pets. For my whole life. I’ve always had something. I’ve had quite the menagerie. Cats, dogs, rats, gerbils, hamsters, fish, snails, insects and a horse. Not all at the same time of course. The idea of losing my last pet and being alone is terrifying. They are family to me. When people cannot be relied upon, the love of an animal is always there.
I’m starting to forget what my lost cat looks like….
December 17, 2024 at 2:32 pm #440815HelcatParticipantMy husband suggested processing some of the things that have happened in recent years.
I focused a lot on the relationship and the difficulties of being a first time parent. But very little outside of that.
It is hard to think about to be honest. We’ve been through a lot. I was at a job where I was being abused and it had a really bad impact on my mental health. It was a trigger for me to be there and I forced my way through it for years. Just to prove to myself that I could cope anywhere.
I got disowned by my adopted mother on and off. And during the pandemic she and the rest of the family used that as an excuse to cut contact. At the same time, she wanted to pretend that she wasn’t doing that. She talked badly about my husband and blamed him. I stood up for him telling her that to have a relationship with me, she would have to accept him. Our relationship never really recovered after that. More drama ensued and I just decided you know what if she wants to be like that, I’m going to stop trying and let things die.
December 17, 2024 at 2:14 pm #440814HelcatParticipantHi Jana
I haven’t come across that quote before, thank you for sharing it! It reminds me of a story about a monk who was imprisoned and tortured. He forgave even the people who committed the vilest torture.
I do believe that compassion and understanding are key to these things. I’m keen to hear your thoughts too.
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
December 17, 2024 at 1:47 pm #440813HelcatParticipantHi Lulu
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this right now. You don’t need this stress after your sister dying. No one should be fighting right now.
It’s not fair on you that this is the way your Mother is choosing to grieve. You are suffering already with the loss of your sister. You don’t need anything extra on top of that.
I will say that it can be really hard on parents losing a child. Some people give up and lose it. I hope that she regains some sense and decides not to blow up the family.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this at Christmas too. That is extra awful. I’m glad that your boyfriend is being supportive. If your family don’t get their act together, it sounds like he may be trying to invite you to Christmas with his family. If he does and things aren’t better you should definitely go. No one should be alone at Christmas!
Love and best wishes!❤️🙏
December 17, 2024 at 1:38 am #440788HelcatParticipantHi Jana
You are spot on! Thank you for sharing your own fascinating cultural communication experience and insight about cultural differences. I totally agree. Even the US and the UK are very different cultures and we speak the same language. It’s kind of an issue between my husband and myself, as well as myself and his family.
The UK is kind of like Canada in which we apologize for everything. And I mean everything! Even minor inconveniences. It is considered extremely rude in my culture not to apologize. It’s basically an insult.
Whereas the US doesn’t have as strong an emphasis on apologising. There is a strong belief in being fake nice and faking a positive attitude in the US, especially where my husband is from because they shoot and kill each other over minor disputes. It’s actually against how people from the UK operate. Whilst we do apologize, we don’t fake being positive. We show our emotions albeit in a reserved way and I would say are more negative in attitude than Americans. We are very strictly anti-violence in the UK, so feel perfectly safe in doing so.
In the UK, grandparents still operate on the honour based system. Kind of like Downton Abbey but less posh. I would say that I’m more traditional than most younger people and I get on very well with the elderly population here.
The younger generation tends to be freer with how they choose to communicate and in my opinion are quite troublesome. The say one thing and do another. Whereas older people are more direct and honest in their interactions.
I think that you are excellent at writing to others by the way. 😊
Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏
December 16, 2024 at 2:47 pm #440770HelcatParticipantHi John
Haha I like your sense of humour. I think she passed some of her mental fortitude onto you. 😊
I’m glad that some of the things she taught you were quite useful. It’s a shame that there were other things that weren’t true any longer.
It is refreshing to meet a man that is open minded and has such positive views about women. It will be interesting to see what happens in the future.
I do think that women have a handicap in most countries though. They are expected to do the child rearing. It is hard to overcome things so deeply entrenched in society without that changing. We can dream to be treat as equals one day.
Love, peace and blessings! ❤️🙏
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