Dear Prash,

Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know how I made it myself either, I was terrified of flying, but I was ready to do anything for the man I love. Looking back on it, I suppose it was one of those few moments when I felt more love and less fear and that’s how 🙂

I always felt a bit weird about going to a therapist, not that I wouldn’t like to, but I have a feeling that once you start you never stop, and I can’t afford that. But I’ve heard of CBT. Do you have any books you recommend? There are so, so many out there. Thank you.

Dear anita,

I relate completely. There is no choice but to stand up again, and again, and again. I did have terrible moments when I didn’t even want to eat, thinking “what’s the point”, but in the end, someone has to cook and clean, so I got up and did that and moved forward… again. But as you probably know, at one point, not only did I start losing hope, I also had less and less energy to start again. I don’t want to give up and spiral into an even deeper depression, but sometimes the confusion overwhelms me. Please share your wisdom with a fellow sufferer 🙂

Hello anita, thank you for answering so quickly.

Yes, learning the language (German, to be precise) was my goal for probably the first year of living here, until I hit a bump in my path. I couldn’t do much else alone. Courses are really expensive (not including books, materials and the transport, since I live on the land side), not to mention I tried one for half a year and it was literally useless. I really can’t get over the fear of embarrassment, though. I should have specified, but I live in Switzerland, so people already look weird at you if you don’t speak the local dialect. Mistakes on top of that would just make me faint from anxiety (sorry for the exaggeration, it feels like that, though 🙁 ). I tried reading books aloud to get used to my own voice, I tried keeping a journal in German, but the fear is always there, and right now I am afraid to even try again.

On top of this, unfortunately, I didn’t graduate back at home so I have no degree, no experience, very little chances for a job (no kidding, I applied once to be a cleaning assistance in a super market, it was supposed to be before it opens and after it closes, and they asked for certification, at which point I just gave up). I suppose many young people deal with this, too…

Regarding “daddy issues”… I thankfully never felt anger or resentment towards the situation, or my father, but until recently I felt like something was taken away from me, the chance to grow up more.. balanced, so to speak. My mother tried her best (she never remarried or had a boyfriend), but looking back over the years of my childhood there was definitely a lack of masculine presence, and I suppose that is a major reason why I am so, shall I say, rootless. No goals or ambitions.. Though I’m trying not to use this as an excuse. Years of anxiety have eroded whatever there was of my confidence/willpower even more. Now I am just confused. I don’t feel like a baby or a child (although many times this is how I described myself), just deeply confused. I don’t know how do other people learn to be brave and face their own failures and drawbacks. My boyfriend grew up with a mother who wasn’t fully there as she should have been, and then she went away after his parents divorced. He grew up with his father, and he has none of the problems I do, which just makes me think I’ll never be able to fill this whole that has just been growing since my childhood years.

I don’t know how to do what I have to do (learn, grow as a person, do my daily chores, go out and be brave, not to even mention enjoy life), while anxiety makes my knees feel like noodles.

Thank you for reading my concerns.