It is a good idea. It is true that it is a bit annoying. You prepare your post, you take your precious time to look up information, sort out and write down your thoughts and you look forward to getting some replies. And then your post is awaiting moderation and it has been many hours (more than a week in case of one of my posts) and you still have no information. Was it deleted? If so, why? Is it still waiting? Hmmmmmm…

(Nov 24, 9:57)

– A Message to Those Who Love Me –

I thought I could write a message to my beloved here… not to forget how important they are to me. And mainly, to become more mindful about them and take better care of their needs.

My boyfriend
I am very happy and lucky that I have a supportive and loving partner. Your life wasn’t easy. (life in poverty, beatings, hunger, no friends… car accident and days in a coma, cancer and hard chemotherapy treatment) You know mental and physical pain all too well. Still, you never gave up… you never grew bitter. You are strong, stable and open-hearted. I am proud of you and I have so much to learn from you. I am so happy that after almost 9 years together you still care so much about me, give me so much energy and love…

I promise that from now on, I will be more mindful and I will… :

• ask you if you are okay (because you always ask me)
• ask you if you need my help
• tell you that you look handsome (and not just think about it)
• listen to you more carefully when you need to talk about your troubles from work (because you work so hard for both of us)
• accept you when you need my physical presence (and not say “wait” or “later”)

Our dog

When you had tetanus in March this year, I was so heartbroken I could lose you. I’ll never forget how you couldn’t move because your legs became stiff by tetanus… and you tried so hard to fetch me your favourite ball… 😢 And you survived and I started to live normal again… as if nothing happened… You have taught me so much so far.

I promise that from now on, I will be more mindful and I will… :

• spend more time with you (and not with the computer) when I have free time
• be more patient with you when you are bad at other dogs
• train you and teach you things more often
• let you kiss our cat more often (I know you love her)
• play fetch with your favourite ball more often
• not ignore you when you call me (and I am at my computer doing nothing important….)

Our cat

You are the wisest of us all. Buddha cat. My little tiger. I need to be more aware of your presence. And not to take you for granted.

I promise that from now on, I will be more mindful and I will… :

• stay in the hall where you eat your breakfast and drink my morning coffee with you (and not at the computer)
• let you in when you want to be with me and watch me brushing my teeth
• play with you more often (I’ll buy toys for you)
• HUG YOU AND KISS YOU MORE

From now, I’ll take better care of you all.

Hello Helcat!

Thank you for your post as always! 🙂

“Do you think that she might have triggered some feelings from the past when you were bullied?”
– Honestly, I don’t think so. Or at least I am not aware of that now. Luckily, I managed to solve most of my emotional wounds connected to my childhood when I was working on my social phobia during my twenties. I can think about the specific moments of pain, specific people, specific situations and I don’t feel anything anymore. I just know that it was difficult for me, but it doesn’t trigger any strong emotional response. (I remember when I started with EFT and social phobia… I tried to bring back memories from the first time when a boy literally put the boot in me and I could feel the horror, fear, pain, shock inside me… I cried a lot processing this and I shivered just thinking about it again. It took me long time to “swallow” that I was beaten that hard by boys… today it is just a fact for me, I don’t feel anything anymore…) but … this is like something “new”, not directly connected to my childhood. I don’t know now actually.

I will come back later when I have more time and answer to you all more in your threads. Thank you for your support! And Helcat, be strong! I am thinking about you and your family. You will make it! It is just a test.

– My Fear of People –

Yesterday, I went to throw away plastic waste and met one old neighbour. She’s a 70-year-old lady who I had tried to make friends with for about 5 years. In the end I politely asked her not to contact us anymore after she verbally attacked my boyfriend.

I was confronted by her yesterday that I couldn’t leave the plastic bag outside the full trash bin when the forecast said that it was going to be very windy. I secured the bag and told her not to worry. She carried on with her outburst of anger. (her typical behaviour) I wished her a nice day and left with a smile.

I’ll make my notes of feelings here to remember what I need to work on.

• I automatically feel that I am the bad one
• I feel guilty
• I can keep my calm in the situation but after I take it home and think about it and I do feel fear of her
• it affects me and now I don’t want to go anywhere I could meet her –> I am restricting my freedom to move freely here in the village
• I hesitated to tell my partner who obviously felt that I wasn’t all right and wanted to give me comfort because I felt stupid and ashamed of being so weak

So much to work on.

Also, I need to make notes about the relationship with this lady because I feel that my tendencies were wrong all along. And I need to write it down here to remember that I must never put myself in this situation again.

• I knew that there was something wrong about her since the day number one and I was highly cautious around her… like my instincts were all on alert: “Be careful.”
• Still, I didn’t listen to my instincts and feelings but I told myself: “I should be more compassionate… I should help…”
• I ignored the warnings of other neighbours who told us that this lady isn’t someone we should trust. I told myself: “I shouldn’t judge.”
• I didn’t see the red flags, when she:
• was constantly very negative about others (and she was even more negative and loud when I tried to guide her to be more positive or at least neutral about others)
• gossiped others
• was “watching” all the time – she knew and wanted to know everything we did (I felt uncomfortable… as if I was under the watchful eye all the time)
• was critical all the time – anything we did or didn’t do was simply wrong
• blamed me for everything… for how I raised and trained our dog, for not being active and sociable, for not answering her phone when I was working… simply for everything and anything…
• didn’t like my boyfriend (because he can be brutally honest and he’s not afraid to put her in her place)
• I was afraid of her – or her unpredictable choleric nature – and I actually maintained the relationship with her out of fear and some false sense of being helpful (I really believed that I could help her to see the world more positively and that my company could make her happier) and not affection
• I was so happy and relieved when I finally get rid of her

I need to remember this. I am more mindful about it now. I won’t take care of anyone like this anymore. I can’t and I shouldn’t. I’ll take care of those who need me and want to be with me … and I have them in front of me everyday and I just let myself carry away because of this fear of these toxic people. I need to fix it for good. And I need to trust my feelings and instincts again (they were always right!)

(written on Nov 20, 2024 at 9:00)

Of course, I don’t mind. You are all actually invited to join me! Thank you a lot for your kind words full of support. You made my day better.

(I’ll come later when I have more free time to add more and answer your posts)

In his book The Heart of Buddha’s Teaching, Hanh describes the core of the matter exactly:

There is a story in Zen circles about a man and a horse. The horse is galloping quickly, and it appears that the man on the horse is going somewhere important. Another man, standing alongside the road, shouts: “Where are you going?” and the first man replies: “I don’t know! Ask the horse!” This is also our story. We are riding a horse, we don’t know where we are going, and we can’t stop. (…) We are always running, and it has become a habit.

… I thought I was a calm person, but inside I am constantly running. My mind has been on the run every second of my life… taking me further and further from my happiness.

I’m glad to know now.