Hi Lluvia,

I’m sorry that you’re struggling at the moment! I’m a therapist who specializes in treating OCD and anxiety disorders. This is an incredibly common OCD theme, so you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. Good job of stepping back and noticing the pattern.

The problem here is that OCD latches onto topics that don’t have objective answers and it tells you that you need certainty “or else.” Every time you try to “figure it out” or find reassurance, you’re doing a compulsion that fuels the cycle. Reassurance ( from internet, others, or yourself), checking your feelings, analyzing arousal, reviewing your memory… these things might give you temporary relief until OCD pops up with another piece of scary evidence. My guess is that that’s how you ended up on this forum (i.e. this is actually a compulsion happening right now)!

The good news is that this is incredibly treatable. The tough part is that it doesn’t involve finding the answer… it involves living with uncertainty. OCD is a paradox so all of the “solutions” are actually the problem.

Anyway, if you decide to do treatment, it’s really important to find a therapist who is trained in ERP (the evidence-based therapy for OCD). Other things that help for general anxiety can make OCD worse, so it’s important to find someone who know this stuff. Your best bet will be this page on the IOCDF website. Read then click on the therapist directory. Type in your zip code to see OCD therapists in your area and make sure they specifically list ERP https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/how-to-find-the-right-therapist/

Hang in there! Everything is a process and this too shall pass.