Dear Anita, yes it’s very hard for me. I don’t think my parents understood how bad I was feeling emotionally. But this is due to barriers in our culture too as we can’t talk much about taboo subjects very openly. Hence I could never explain them that I am blaming myself for my testicular cancer due to masturbation. Letting it go and not feeling very guilty about this whole experience has been very difficult for me. Due to all this I am not surprised that my emotions are not in control. Also as a child my schooling was pretty difficult. So I do have lack of self esteem/confidence to begin with.

Can I please request you to remove my name from initial replies.

Dear Anita, yes thank you for replying and taking time to reply to me. I have this personality where I expect bit too much from myself, easily critisize myself, come to conclusion that it’s my mistake even when there is really no evidence to support it, expect some degree of perfection from myself, bit stubborn, hardly loved my own self and so on. As a result of these traits it makes me ideal candidate to suffer from mental issues if there is any setback as it becomes very difficult to let it go. Once I start feeling guilty there is just no way for me to feel better about myself as guilt only attracts more guilt and negative feelings. When I suffered from testicular cancer I just couldn’t let it go. It was very difficult for me to let it go and forget about it. To add to this I hardly received any support from my family.

I am already on two medications right now to feel better but I am determined to make progress using other methods. I am already practicing Louise Hay meditation as I find it helpful. I just feel that I need to cry and also release all built up guilt. So I was wondering if anyone has tried Reiki or something else? I am happy to try anything.

Edit: Also note as I am realizing more about myself I am trying to make changes. I am adding some level of compassion and self love and trying to not expect too much. But it’s going to take time.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by howtoloveme.

Dear Anita, starting to realize that I have not listened to my own self but everything else. I mean to say that I haven’t looked after myself very well on emotional level. I have prioritized other things and other people over my own self. But as I am realising things that needs to be changed I am gradually and kindly making changes. I am doing affirmations, practicing self love and trying to be kind to myself. Most importantly I am telling myself that I deserve a better healthy and happy life. This can be overwhelming but I am not in a rush to make sudden change as it’s a gradual and long process.

Negative experience from the past has caused me to harp myself with constant self hate and and unforgiving thoughts due to extreme guilt. This has disrupted me on emotional level. But this will change as I am looking to change my life. I am realising that the most important thing in my life is my happiness.

Please help me in loving myself. Please help me so I can learn more kindness towards my ownself.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by howtoloveme.

Thank you both again.

Anita you wrote “Would you  like to elaborate on why your family was of no support to you when you were sick, at 25, going through such a difficult time?”

Being from conservative culture these things are not discussed openly even with parents sometimes. It has been difficult for me to open up about these things with them. We were geographically very far too. Also all they understand is about depression and not really about how isolated, tormented, anxious and fearful I felt during difficult traumatic times. I guess they did whatever they could do best for me in their best ability. This trauma and negative event has left lasting impression on my mind and my mental health. Having said this I have already seen psychologist and also psychiatrist to overcome these issues. Currently I am on couple of medications under professional guidance. Even I have done some research around testicular cancer and it’s causes and been unable to find any concrete evidence to say that my way of masturbating has caused this. But somehow my brain had just decided to feel guilty, bad, depressed, anxious etc about myself as I can expect too much from myself at times. Perhaps it’s due to not having great self esteem and being harsh on myself etc. from beginning due to my difficult schooling. As I had mentioned before somewhere down there I believed that self love and being gentle with own-self is for soft people. I have never even smoked and still got cancer was also one of the mental thought pattern during those times. All in all it was very difficult time for me mentally than physically. I still can’t drink coffee as it gives me anxiety. But as I said I am “trying” to look after myself with some kindness and self love. I am just trying and I am not sure where it will lead. Also trying to develop a thought that someone is above me and helping me to get through this. But first step I believe is to be bit more gentle/kind and increase self esteem which I believe has always been low.

I hope this all makes sense to you. thank you

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by howtoloveme.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by howtoloveme.

Thanks Defined Sight. You said “Believing in a power bigger than me is humbling, yet empowering.”

You see though I am religious person who believes in god to some extend, I never really accepted that there is something bigger than me who is looking after me. My mind somehow just refuses to believe that someone is there who is looking after me and I am being cared for. I am trying to think other way around and starting to believe that there is something out there who wants me to succeed and wants to care for me.