Hi Anita,

First of all I’d like to thank your great suggestions, I do appreciate.

I’m a bit of confused of the first one tho, coz if seeing my father for example, causes me to want to fix the old relationship, isn’t that part of the goal of the healing?  Can you elaborate a bit more of that why I shall avoid this contact?

Best,

Yuhan

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the sharing. I feel that I can totally understand how you felt/feel, it is disheartening, yet at least we know we are not alone. One thing tho, how do you deal with your day-to-day life, esp, when toxic relationship entered, or affected, if in your description, I see you are s till in pain of your childhood and my way of dealing with this (not the best way) did not work for you?

The damage is done, of course and nothing in the present can change a done thing, unfortunately. Therefore, understanding where my father and mother came from did not ease the pain in the past. When I was 29, I still cried at night because childhood memory suddenly occurred out of blue……I don’t know how to heal the little girl in the past, but I guess the whole point of understanding where they come from makes the current life easier, for example, at least I can try to do some parents-daughter things with each of them, and I try to spend time with them and care about them as a daughter. My father stopped beating me around 14 years ago, I was around 20. Over the years we still have had a lot of arguments, he still hurt me emotionally in order to keep/control me (weird, innit?), but I can feel that he is becoming weak, and I tend to believe that he has been always weak that violence was his only weapon. It is just sad, but it is what it is.

If you don’t mind me to ask, how is the relationship between your parents and you? I don’t mean to pry, just wonder if non-forgiveness and tolerance can walk hand-in-hand in the reality.

It’s amazing to see that you’ve got the deluded belief of ‘what’s wrong with me’ as me, yet still got the kindest empathy to people, even a stranger like me. It is the bright side of human nature, isn’t it? And maybe negativity survives us from danger and uncomfortable situation, positivity makes us keep going, no matter what. Every and each time a bad relationship ended like this, we, I as well, would find ourselves even more difficult to trust, let down the guard and be open with people, but at the end of the day (I’m still waiting and hoping), it is not worthy to refuse the whole world just coz some damaged people.

How did you cope with your belief rooted from childhood? More specifically, what is your solution to not let the past define who you are?

Thanks for reading

Yuhan

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the kindly reply. It does make me rethink the whole thing.

I’m struggling now that he should be responsible for his behaviour and misbehaviour, but I didn’t feel it or see it. That annoys me and hurt me further. Because it seems to me that so far I am taking all the bad consequence of the breaking up as well all the responsibilities before and after the final– apparently he is doing fine and well, and I think it is not appropriate. I want him to get karma but it is not in my hands.

I know that I should forgive, to make myself feel better — but I cannot, I cannot forgive him, instead I wish him to suffer! I can feel my anger and it has no place to go! — Is it unhealthy and not nice? If so, how can I stop thinking like that?

I do not want him to get back to my life again, no. However, the time, energy, money and emotion have been invested already and none of them I could take back. The breaking up for him, is just to move to a new place, start up a new life — which he is doing right now in a positive way, whereas the breaking for me is to leave the county with sorrows and scars, with my reluctant willing to leave….It’s like being verdict to a leaving penalty by his selfish, deluded judgement, but i’m the victim? it’s not fair on me at all!

I am lonely and I am afraid of going back to my homeland to start up everything again at the age of 34, comparing to just a few days ago, I was in the hope to have a marriage, a family and a home. Now, consciously I know this man has nothing I miss or lose, and I cannot be happy with him whatsoever, but it didn’t really help reduce the pain.

Thanks for reading.

Yuhan

Hi Anita,

So good to see your post and it helps a lot. Thanks indeed.

You retold the story quite right only I did not allow him to stay with me, even he requested to stay more than twice. Fortunately we are not living in the same apartment where I paid, but he still owed me money. He is still trying to skip paying me back by saying “it is not fair to pay 2 rent” but I did not/do not buy it and won’t. I am still chasing the money that he owed me.

Right now I’m processing the loss and the fact that he has moved on so quickly while I’m still grieving. It should be as you said, no matter what ” he is still responsible for his behavior, or I should say, misbehavior.” but I didn’t feel it or see it. That annoys me and hurt me further. Why I am still taking all the consequence of the breaking up, and all the responsibilities before and after the final– apparently he is doing fine and well, and I think it is not appropriate. I wonder why and how I can get rid of this ASAP to focus on my dissertation. I know that you gave me answers somewhat in your last reply, I still need to process it.

I looked on his bank account and there was not enough cash for sure except for a huge amount of overdraft, unless he has another bank account, otherwise I think the bankruptcy is true.

He wants to be my friends and still request more help from bills etc., but I don’t care anymore. The post breaking up shows even more of his true characters, and I just wonder what’s wrong with me and how can I go back to a peaceful status of mind….

Yuhan

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your kindly reply. I’m open to talk and elaborate more.

Why he looks so happy, and I guess:  he had always been confused about what he really wanted, whether he wanted a marriage or not — yes, even he promised so many times, cried, and begged that “this time” he’s 100% certain, unfortunately he didn’t have a clue what he was doing; and now, the huge confusion is gone, he becomes very relaxing.

Another reason, he told me that he has a box where everything can make him cry in a heart beat locks in.  He had a shattered family. To have a box like that, is his strategy rooted from his childhood. His parents, esp the mother always failed him, he told me he had to learn to not care.

I know he should be responsible for his behaviour and misbehaviour  but it feels to me I’m taking the responsibility for my own and for him before or after the final.

In the relationship, as a full-time mature student, I paid for the whole deposit, the whole rent for the first 2 months (the final was on the 3rd), meaning financially I’m taking much more responsibility than him, and he always has a full-time job. Not to mention, so many times in the relationship, he’s got pressure and was not happy with his current job and unsuccessful career, I needed to be ‘strong’ to comfort him.

After the final, I had to literally explain the common sense to him why he should leave the apartment not stay with me, and force him to leave. I gave him the gift back already, but he wanted more, by saying it is not ‘fair’ on him to pay for 2 bills because he hasn’t got the money……wow, looks like someone who doesn’t care about others needs more care, but how this could work out and we already broken up? It annoys me and offends me.

And the fact that he is doing well and has moved on didn’t help at all, not at all. What I mean by doing well? Well, a few times when he collect his stuff from me, I can tell that he is relaxing. He is shorten of money, but that’s the only problem and he seems very promising about himself now. Meanwhile he is posting a lot of drawings on FB/Twitter, and responses actively with the ‘likes’ and comments. Another sign is he is trying to be my friend, and told me to move on.

I guess it is just really difficult to accept that I got hurt, being left alone, and could not be able to move on as good as he could.

I know it is a process but I just do need to get better. I’m an international student and I’ve a dissertation to work on. But right now, I find myself not able to focus on reading, and I’m drinking everyday.

He used to be an alcoholic and now I am? It feels like this toxic relationship has left a lot of burden on my body and mind, I don’t understand why. I understand it took two to tangle, and I have no intention to ignore my problems. But being down, confusing, drinking… these were his thing in the relationship. Somehow he transferred them to me, and now he looks like a brand new person. I just don’t understand this logic.

Thanks for reading.