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FearandShame

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  • #158080
    FearandShame
    Participant

    I should also add that I’m easily able to sympathize with the many people who posted about their sexual mistakes. I know the reason it’s harder for me is because I live with myself and will do so until I die. That’s why it’s hard for any of us to forgive outselves.

    #158076
    FearandShame
    Participant

    Anita,

    when I first started panicking about my life and my thoughts and past actions I went to that very specific thread. It relieves anxiety in some ways but I still have a lingering sadness. That’s why I posted my own personal thread because I wanted to share my story and see how people thought. Part of me is looking for reassurance here… I really just wanted to see if there was a different way to look at it. While I know my actions as a younger teenager were wrong..  I wanted to see if people believed that it didn’t make me a bad person. I appreciate so much of what you guys have said 🙂 I think it will take a LOT of hard work… and hopefully I can save money up to have at least one therapy session, but I believe that I can train myself to look at the situation in a different way. Teenagers do stupid things.. especially misguided ones that are unhappy and curious. It doesn’t have to be who I am… and I don’t have to let it control my life.. though it might sit on my chest a little bit. Like when I hear about victims or anything… One of the people I had contact with actually messaged me on Facebook calling me buddy and asking if I remembered them. (We actually were friends when I was growing up. Playing video games and jumping on trampolines, etc) so I don’t think (will never say 100% because that would be insensitive perhaps) that he’s effected in a bad way. Nobody deserves to be hurt like that. I’m glad I have that in my brain which helps reassure me that I’m not a careless monster.

     

    i can thank you enough.

    #158000
    FearandShame
    Participant

    A rebirth sounds nice.

    I agree that learning is beautiful and could help.

    i don’t want to view myself as this terrible person. I admit that part of my obsession is that I’ll one day become a paedophile or something… that I’ll actually enjoy that. It TERRIFIES ME.

    I do know.. that even if I did have urges… I have the mentality now that terrible things can really affect people. They affected me… and I would never want someone to go through hell. To feel so unhappy with life. My sister told me that she felt so unloved growing up that when she was anywhere from 10-12 she “let” our high school cousin do sexual stuff. She cried her eyes out to me when we got to college and it broke my heart. At the time I didn’t connect it to myself but now that I have these memories and emotions on my mind ALL day long I’ve connected my actions as a teenager to her memories and I feel a lot of shame and disappointment in myself. I love my sister and she tells me that she loves me. If I told her my past I feel like she would be so sad 🙁

     

    but I also believe that many of my decisions as a teenager is a result of living in a dysfunctional home and having experienced sexual contact as such a young age. At the beginning ages of puberty I did things that I shouldn’t have. Things that I didn’t realize would haunt me..  and I know I’m not the only one. So many people have stories like mine. It helps to know that this place is a place of understanding and care. You all really have me kind and helpful advice. Alexandria, even though you were hurt you still looked at me with kindness and sympathy and I can’t thank you enough for that and for your advice. Mark and Anita you both gave me encouragment and advice that I’ll read over and over until I fully understand it.

     

     

    #157966
    FearandShame
    Participant

    Alexandria,

    thank you for your kind reply! I appreciate it.

    its very hard… and the abuse I endured growing up was mental abuse from my step father. My mother was very passive about the abuse and I didn’t have an emotionally available parent. I was very depressed growing up.

    I’m not sure if you were able to read all of my post.. but I mentioned that while I’m not sure if I was a complete victim of sexual abuse, I committed acts around the age of 12,13 or 14 (I can’t remember) that I find very shameful. I was coercive and handsy with two people that were younger. Reading your story makes me sad because I feel like I’m the same type of person that took away your innocence… i feel like a monster that deserves nothing but the worst.

    I’m afraid that I might have a treatable type of cancer… but I feel like I deserve to not get treatment and to let it do what it does because of the things I did as a younger teenager.  I know I was young… but I connect the actions to my sense of self so much that I can’t see any good that I bring to the world.

     

    Im sorry for you pain. I’m sorry for the things I’ve done 🙁

    #157922
    FearandShame
    Participant

    I truly appreciate getting a reply! I think my biggest problems is my fears of being a monster coming true, and then my thinking goes straight to the events from when I was younger. The bad things that I did and can’t seem to get over. I feel gross and like I don’t deserve to be happy. Every time I see a story or any indication about sexual abuse I put myself in that situation and I hate myself. It’s hard being out with friends because I feel so evil and that I don’t belong with them. It’s an action rather than a thought…. and that’s what really makes it hard to deal with OCD. OCD is about fears and it feels like my fears came true – only a long time ago.

     

Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)