I should also add that I’m easily able to sympathize with the many people who posted about their sexual mistakes. I know the reason it’s harder for me is because I live with myself and will do so until I die. That’s why it’s hard for any of us to forgive outselves.

A rebirth sounds nice.

I agree that learning is beautiful and could help.

i don’t want to view myself as this terrible person. I admit that part of my obsession is that I’ll one day become a paedophile or something… that I’ll actually enjoy that. It TERRIFIES ME.

I do know.. that even if I did have urges… I have the mentality now that terrible things can really affect people. They affected me… and I would never want someone to go through hell. To feel so unhappy with life. My sister told me that she felt so unloved growing up that when she was anywhere from 10-12 she “let” our high school cousin do sexual stuff. She cried her eyes out to me when we got to college and it broke my heart. At the time I didn’t connect it to myself but now that I have these memories and emotions on my mind ALL day long I’ve connected my actions as a teenager to her memories and I feel a lot of shame and disappointment in myself. I love my sister and she tells me that she loves me. If I told her my past I feel like she would be so sad 🙁

but I also believe that many of my decisions as a teenager is a result of living in a dysfunctional home and having experienced sexual contact as such a young age. At the beginning ages of puberty I did things that I shouldn’t have. Things that I didn’t realize would haunt me..  and I know I’m not the only one. So many people have stories like mine. It helps to know that this place is a place of understanding and care. You all really have me kind and helpful advice. Alexandria, even though you were hurt you still looked at me with kindness and sympathy and I can’t thank you enough for that and for your advice. Mark and Anita you both gave me encouragment and advice that I’ll read over and over until I fully understand it.

I truly appreciate getting a reply! I think my biggest problems is my fears of being a monster coming true, and then my thinking goes straight to the events from when I was younger. The bad things that I did and can’t seem to get over. I feel gross and like I don’t deserve to be happy. Every time I see a story or any indication about sexual abuse I put myself in that situation and I hate myself. It’s hard being out with friends because I feel so evil and that I don’t belong with them. It’s an action rather than a thought…. and that’s what really makes it hard to deal with OCD. OCD is about fears and it feels like my fears came true – only a long time ago.