Dear Anita,

Thank you for your kind words. I try to be compassionate with myself, take extra care of myself today.

He was indeed the one who came on strong to begin with. I was surprised but thought “Hey, here is a guy who is really interested in me!” Which makes me realize that instead of seeing this as a red flag (the guy does not know me!), I let it flatter my ego, make me feel special. Wanting to feel special is such a lure. Still got lots of work to do on myself to not respond to such lures.

Yes, I was indeed intimate with him way too quick. Given the covid situation, I sooooo missed sex and human contact that I just went for it. Very unwise, I know…

Have a great day Anita,

Isabelle

Dear Noor,

I just saw your most recent post. I am sorry to read that your relationship ended. I hope that you are healing.

Dating more than one person will be new to me. I actually feel quite excited at this perspective. I makes me feel empowered, like I don’t have to wait around for J to clarify how he feels about me. Also, it is probably a more mature and logical way of approaching relationships. I truly feel like a kid out of control when I am infatuated. It’s a lot of fun, but exhausting.

And you are right, if he is the person for me, it will become clear for both of us sooner or later. I already have a checklist… J has most of the qualities on it, which probably contributes to my excitement with this relationship. I have started a “con” list to help keep a cool head. 🙂

I wish you all the best too,

Isabelle

Dear Noor,

Thank you for your sound advice. I am, indeed, the kind of person who prefers to date one person at a time because I do feel that it is the best way to get to know someone on a deeper level. However, I am also a very intense and passionate person and can easily get carried away and throw all caution out the window when infatuated with someone. Which means that I may idealize that person and before I know it, the relationship gets serious and I find out only later (sometimes much, much later) that the guy was not right for me. So maybe the best thing for me right now is to take a step back and see other people (and let him know that I am doing this). I may end up with J (the new guy I met), or I may not. The fact that he was honest and wants to communicate with me openly along the way is reassuring.

Another reason why I tend to rush into things is that I am not comfortable with the inherent uncertainties of a new relationship. I am afraid of getting hurt because I was so many times in the past. It is difficult for me to be laid back at the beginning of a relationship. I wish I could be, and just enjoy the ride! It can be so exhilarating and fun! Perhaps dating more than one person will help me taking it more easy.

Have a wonderful day,

Isabelle

Dear Anita,

She said to me a couple of times that she was had not been there for me. But she did not say the words “I am sorry”. When I left my ex, she gave me some furniture that she did not need anymore. This saved me some money, which I appreciated. None of this feels to me like she sincerely regrets her actions. My mom is not brave and mature enough to do this properly. This is why I say that I expect nothing from her. I know that my perception of her will never change and she will never be able to make me feel better about my past.

Isabelle

Dear Anita,

I believe that my relationship with my mom has hurt my mental health in the past. She was never there for more when I needed her and it made me suffer deeply. Now I have given up on her ever being there for me a long time ago. I expect nothing from her anymore. But I was intrigued by your comment on having to chose a side in order to feel consistently strong. I wonder how that could change my life, which is why I asked how it changed yours.

Isabelle

Dear Anita,

This is very interesting, I know exactly what you are talking about. Going back and forth between feeling weak and inferior, and strong and superior. As I mentioned in a previous post, I have lived with anxiety since a very young age. Around 5, I started having violent migraines that would make me throw up. I also had night terrors. I have had periods where things were better, but it never lasts.

I do not know what I will do regarding my mom. Your remarks certainly have given me food for thought.

I am pretty sure that I will never completely heal from this. Knowing that the intense pain that I feel when I am in a bad place will keep coming back is one reason why I entertain suicidal thoughts. There were periods where I was able to live in the present moment. This is when I was most happy. When the pain started to creep up, I would slow down, go under my rock, as I call it, and remind myself that everything is temporary. Eventually, the pain would recede. It is difficult to keep this way of life. Often, I do not find a way to face my responsibilities while giving myself the time and space needed to calm things down. I am trying to achieve some sort of balance.

Isabelle

Dear Anita,

It must have been hard to end contacts with your mom.

Your observation on the title of my thread is indeed interesting. I have often heard that our relationship troubles are always somehow related to our relationships with our parents. I had doubts about this… but it seems appropriate in my case.

Yes, mothers are supposed to be strong enough to take care of their child. Sometimes they are not. But if they are struggling, they should at least try their best and show their child that they are trying their best. As a mother, I cannot comprehend why my mom did not try more. She disappointed me over and over again. Why do I still try, albeit reasonably, to bring her joy despite this? I know that I will never heal her. She will probably never change. But somehow, it makes me feel good to put a smile on her face. Today it mother’s day. How interesting that we are exchanging on this topic today. 🙂

I still do not know what is a healthy relationship, but I am trying to find out. I wrote an email to P earlier, telling him that I am ending our relationship. This time I sent it. I am sad, but relieved at the same time.

Isabelle