Hey Anita

Answering to your post

Yes I totally get it

Infact I guess I sometimes relate to my situation as of the baby elephant (I dont know if you know this lesson but still I ll add the context). I had read this lesson as a kid i guess, where in a animal tamer used to tie a baby elephant with a tight rope everyday to some thing rigid, and as a baby, it might find it difficult to tear the rope.. But even after the elephant grew up, the tamer used to tie it with the same rope, but the elephant was already conditioned to believe that it wont be able to tear the rope apart, so it never tried to escape even after it grew up and was way more strong.

Thats how I feel.. Might even be too much of victimization at my end, i dont know

And this is not first such incident, most of my situations where I end up feeling anxious, happens because I get too scared to see things clearly

If you want I can tell you when exactly all this began or atleast I ll try to

I am sorry but I wouldnt exactly want to talk about how I used to be in the past, because its kind of tough, I dont want to remember that phase again especially when I am already everyday suffering because I  still not over this guy.

But I ll just like to mention a few things,

Its not the first time something like this has happened, where someone special to me didnt feel the same way aboutme and so the expectations not matching. Infact , I ended up losing my best friend because of certain reasons and she was my first best friend, but I didnt feel that pain for very long, I allowed to let go of it and knew that atleast we are friends and this is the way it should stay . She was my go to person for everything and till date I havent found anyone else in my life, with whom I could share everything the way I used to with her

But this here, something has happened I just cant seem to let go. I thought a lot about it yesterday as well, what exactly was he doing that I was having such a hard time letting go.

And I dont know how much sense does this make, but I ll be honest here that

I have always felt that I am someone who is an extremely anxious person and I feel I am a difficult person as well because I dont easily make close friends although I have a lot of just friends. Somehow, I feel that the place where I am at, people wouldnt exactly understand my background and what makes me the person I am. I get anxious to even the semester exams(which isnt actually something to be very bothered by) but I just have become someone in the past few years who always fears screwing something up (even though I know I wont and infact could do way better) but this anxiety drags me down with itself always, when some or the other opportunity stands at my doorstep. Often times I donot allow it to take over and sometimes i fail.

So, someone (who is infact someone I adore) pretending to have that empathy for me and making me feel (atleast initially) as if though I am not a difficult person to hang on to.

I couldnt help but fall for it, I thought he ll be my strength just like I wanted to be his.

Also, Its not that I have never been approached by some guy before, but I have never felt the same about them or felt that connection. I had never found a guy before with whom I could think of trusting with myself, thatsall.

And I thought he was someone who had that maturity and understanding that I would have wanted in my partner and that I could open up to him and trust him with myself.

I hade started feeling less anxious in the initial months when he used to be all pretentious and I used to feel as if though I had someone for me.

And this is the main reason why I am having a hard time letting go because I just realised that it was never about me, all the time I had been trying to open up to him, thinking that he is getting me, he was just trying toenjoy all the attention.

I didnt feel this miserable about myself ever before, but rn I am. I feel I am not special and also I have kind of messed up my timeline after all these things.

I know this shouldnt take this long to let go

Yes Anita

Thanks for understanding, it is kind of difficult to not feel the pain even though its been 2 months.

But i guess one cant control the process of healing so I guess all I can do is just give myself the love and care I think I deserve

Ishita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Ishita.

Hey Anita I am doing fine

I hope you are doing good too.

Sorry for my disappearance, I wasnt in the right space of mind at that time.

I would also want to update you

That I had done a lot of thinking after that, and I realised that I would rather be more fine than keeping in touch to some extent rather than gng completely no contact since it was making it difficult for us to work together on the same project.

So, I talked with him and I told him how I was not over whatever had happened but I  am ready to let it go slightly, for the sake of the friendship that we have and just keep to it so things dont remain awkward.

He was obviously thankful that I made that decision. So, we were successfully able to work on the project together and I felt he kept trying to get close to me and trying to gain my sympathy by asking for my opinion on his personal issues which he just wanted to share with me. Started sharing philosophical quotes with me every morning  to keep me motivated for the coming rough days in the club(thats for all the members btw) and other stuffs

Just that,During the project we used to end up have random calls at times (twice or thrice in total) where we used to end up talking for 1-2 hrs just like we used to have previously, although I used to be very careful that we dont go off topic , just general stuffs mostly and club related (there were a lot of issues happening in the club during tht time that used to be very stressful at times)

I still wanted to be around him, but I knew this was just the initial chase that narcissist pull, to get the victim to fall for them again.

I didnt want all this, so, everytime he used to discuss any personal issue or try to act overly caring , I used to ask him to cut the crap (in a politer way)

Long story cut short, he has been bothering me lesser, after thr project got over, because I never call him on myown, so it might seem clingy for him to force something.

I have been strong up until now,giving him the clear msg that things can never be exactly the same but somewhere or the other till date I feel everyday a bit sad that he was probably never really into me otherwise instead of these half as efforts he would have really had the guts of not letting me go, for him I was never as special as he was for me.

Ps :I dont think it has something to do with my past exactly, because I have never been stuck on anything, and always seen it as an opportunity to grow, but this right now is just a void, I feel alone, betrayed and kind of unlovable to this day (which I know isnt true but I just do feel this way)

Dear Anita,

yes I totally get it, I felt the same , that I have been bothering you guys as well as myself by going round the circle again and again with the same thing instead of letting it go.

I dont know if any bad experience in my childhood has been the source of obsession or not, but I would try to make sense with what I am about to say.

I used to be a really good student academically , and then I started off with my entrance preparation , where I kind of got messed up , becuase I wasnt getting the kind of enviroment I needed. Ppl around me where kind of toxic, most of them being boys in my coaching, I used to find it difficult to bond , because nobody wanted me in their grps, as they were all guys who didnt consider it cool to take me (a girl) in their grp however good may I be.

My teachers had started to blame me , for my poor test performance (because I had joined the coaching late, due to health issues).I feel , believing in their words, blindly ,was the main reason for me losing confidence in myself. They used to always say , how they really expected exceptional performance from me, yet I am messing it all up. I didnt take it very well, I started considering myself as extremely inefficient, whenevr I used to sit to study I used to keep obsessing over how and why I joined late, and the way things could have been .Being around toxic batch mates ,who used to kind of attempt to pin me down during classes , on the basis of the quality of performance or so, wasnt helping either.

And now , when I look back , I feel really bad , for that self of me, how much she suffered everyday, there used to be so many days, I didnt use to even feel like getting up in the morning, because I ll have to go through the same pattern everyday,and I was unable to break myself out of it.My family used to support me a lot, my sister used to often sit with me on video calls , to help me concentrate while she be working. My mom , used to stay up at night until I would stop crying and fall asleep.

I felt as if though I was losing my identity, this used to define me, being the smartest kid in the class, being really fast , but now, I was losing it , I was in a race , where there were thousands of people better than me, and I had never compared myself to anyone before, but I guess thats what a competitive exam kind of does to you.

I wish I could go back and tell the 17 year old self ,how it was ok to let go, because there are bigger things waiting, and I will get it anyways( because now, when I am in college , I see an entirely different picture , to what I used to imagine then, and its so much better)

I hope this info helps , you to understand my POV

Yes anita,

I used to blame myself for not being able to do perform things upto the mark, that I expect myself to knowing what I am capable off but due to some events I must say I had eventually gotten exhausted because I was losing my work life balance (and I didnt even know such concept exists, then)

So that kind of screwed me up, and still has

I am sorry, if its getting overly complicated here, with my posts

Yes, maybe I am

I am unable to accpt the fact he thinks it was all my fault and he had nothing to do with it

If u want to know whther I have obsessed about someone this much,

Then No, not any person

But maybe situations, I have always obsessed abt how things could have been in certain places in my life instead of accepting them the way they are, making me miserable

I dont know if I am being relevant here