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iznogud

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #171087
    iznogud
    Participant

    Dear Liss ,

    Thanks for your support , right now i’m not in France , even if i would like to go again seem that for that i need plan. I wasn’t able to find job there , going somewhere without financial support , clear plan and where you don’t know no one is hard , it’s hard as any beginning .. I lived in Paris for 2yrs and i think it’s great under that circumstances . I also get your point . I tried many things to find my passion , i played guitar , drew , did different sports , learn languages , learn to work in programs ….. it’s not that i’m good at everything just i realised that everyone can learn and be good at something if they put a lot of time . Thing is , i haven’t finish any of these things , i quit drawing , playing , everything … just because i think i’m not good enough . 

    Dear Anita ,

    What to say except welcome to my world , where i just exist , where i’m trying to fix things around me , i my happy where people around are happy , and i’m not good if people around me are not good… Like i depend on them , like i’m in dysfunction to do things for me .. Even if i had so much troubles with them i can’t just focus on me ….     When i started college i mentioned that in earlier post my sister had troubles , i could’t focus on myself to do things i have to do , my family was worried , everybody asked and that made me more distracted from things i had to do .. at classes my thoughts were all around but not in class , i saw that and i tried to stop it , but my mind was overwhelmed with flashes about her , my family , my mom … at the other side people around me were had different stories  to speak to their family .. and in my case all speak is about problems with sister , or father or this or that ….. i couln’t stand it i couldn’t focus on important thing , on thing that i worked for a lot and i love …one day i woke up , and went to school and i gave up ….

    I hope you will understand now.

    #171043
    iznogud
    Participant

    It’s not about me* ( problem is not in me)

    #171041
    iznogud
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I can understand about what you are talking , i have realised that by myself also .. but the thing is more that i changed , from being quick tempered , i stop with arguing , i even forgive a lot of things because living with anger is self destruction. But it seems to be that actually even if forgive , even if i try to stay ‘blind’ new situations just uncover old ones . Like i haven’t forgive it . It’s strange . Describe it like this , when i was getting my anger out even trough making stupidities i was grounded .. now when i’m trying to swallow all that happened and is happening , to not make troubles i’m actually stuck with anxiety , in self doubt … I changed so much time that i lost myself somewhere around , and actually be changing everything stayed same bsc it’s about me … as i said , i make things bad for myself bcs everybody around me made it , so i wanted to get attention on that way and at the end i just saw that everything i did is hurting myself . I’m not person who get fuel from being anger , i can’t hate i’m deeply sad watching my loved family doing unnecessary harms to themselves and others …

    #170993
    iznogud
    Participant

    Sry my English is not perfect .. i hope you will understand

     

    #170991
    iznogud
    Participant

    I’m thankful for your responses … Last and message before was about situation around me and a little bit about me… As i said at begin i feel lost , disconnected from myself . . I’ve been trying to move on with regular thing Jas but i can’t focus … I developed anxiety and i’m not use any medications bcs they will just kill this little emotions that i have …  Anita , i’ve been separated from my home i was in Paris but just one more traumatic expiriance anxiety got me glued and there were a lot of situations that i almost lose my mind bcs of that … I couldn’t understand how and why i developed it ,  i enjoyed beeing around ppl and now by body reacted crazy when i m around them ….  And finally as i lost my sense i made some stupid things in past , so i can’t make parallel anymore am i normal ????? I never had will to hurt someone , or to do something bad but i made things probably bcs i wanted attention , stupid once … but i made them and cover them so actually people didn’t know , but i know what i did so i have problems with guilt and sadness …..

    #170937
    iznogud
    Participant

    In my home town it’s problematic for finding job , if you find somethin’ you work a lot for really small amount of money . It’s in whole county problem for work. Yes , i’m living with my parents , still tension is in air all the time , there is not so much conversation between us. I quit college bcs i couldn’t focus on my study bcs my sister who lived in same town where i’ve been studying was in a lot of problems , she was in relationship with guy who had a lot of troubles , my family haven’t accept him and that relationship , he had a lot of mind problems and he was draining life from my sis.  Everybody were asked ‘ What is with her?’ Everybody was playing investigations and fill my head with bad things so they started big doubt in me about her. Today i don’t trust her , i love her she is my older sis and in other hand we don’t have good relationship … In that time my father been working on black in Paris , he was absent , he worked a lot got no money or just something and he waited and worked and form year to year he waited things to change even if everybody knew nothing will change and at the end he was dumped by his boss with no payment … He couldn’t do nothing about it bcs he worked on black ….  My mother have her mind problems since i spend most of time with her while i was in elementary and high school ,  we were fighting of nothing , for example i got ready to go out and she starts fight and since i know every time i was got out mad .. She also made drama and since we were quarrel for hours she at the end make things like she is not good , staring at one point and so on …. She did also to my sister when , since i was younger i watched that ….  Personally i was different , i was happy child even with all that happening , i played guitar , i drove rollerskates , ice skates , i drew … I’m always trying to do something , but since 4yrs ago i’m lost , i don t find pleasure in things i’m doing … and yes i have family around me , some friend but i feel alone

     

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)