Dear Liss ,

Thanks for your support , right now i’m not in France , even if i would like to go again seem that for that i need plan. I wasn’t able to find job there , going somewhere without financial support , clear plan and where you don’t know no one is hard , it’s hard as any beginning .. I lived in Paris for 2yrs and i think it’s great under that circumstances . I also get your point . I tried many things to find my passion , i played guitar , drew , did different sports , learn languages , learn to work in programs ….. it’s not that i’m good at everything just i realised that everyone can learn and be good at something if they put a lot of time . Thing is , i haven’t finish any of these things , i quit drawing , playing , everything … just because i think i’m not good enough . 

Dear Anita ,

What to say except welcome to my world , where i just exist , where i’m trying to fix things around me , i my happy where people around are happy , and i’m not good if people around me are not good… Like i depend on them , like i’m in dysfunction to do things for me .. Even if i had so much troubles with them i can’t just focus on me ….     When i started college i mentioned that in earlier post my sister had troubles , i could’t focus on myself to do things i have to do , my family was worried , everybody asked and that made me more distracted from things i had to do .. at classes my thoughts were all around but not in class , i saw that and i tried to stop it , but my mind was overwhelmed with flashes about her , my family , my mom … at the other side people around me were had different stories  to speak to their family .. and in my case all speak is about problems with sister , or father or this or that ….. i couln’t stand it i couldn’t focus on important thing , on thing that i worked for a lot and i love …one day i woke up , and went to school and i gave up ….

I hope you will understand now.

Dear Anita,

I can understand about what you are talking , i have realised that by myself also .. but the thing is more that i changed , from being quick tempered , i stop with arguing , i even forgive a lot of things because living with anger is self destruction. But it seems to be that actually even if forgive , even if i try to stay ‘blind’ new situations just uncover old ones . Like i haven’t forgive it . It’s strange . Describe it like this , when i was getting my anger out even trough making stupidities i was grounded .. now when i’m trying to swallow all that happened and is happening , to not make troubles i’m actually stuck with anxiety , in self doubt … I changed so much time that i lost myself somewhere around , and actually be changing everything stayed same bsc it’s about me … as i said , i make things bad for myself bcs everybody around me made it , so i wanted to get attention on that way and at the end i just saw that everything i did is hurting myself . I’m not person who get fuel from being anger , i can’t hate i’m deeply sad watching my loved family doing unnecessary harms to themselves and others …

I’m thankful for your responses … Last and message before was about situation around me and a little bit about me… As i said at begin i feel lost , disconnected from myself . . I’ve been trying to move on with regular thing Jas but i can’t focus … I developed anxiety and i’m not use any medications bcs they will just kill this little emotions that i have …  Anita , i’ve been separated from my home i was in Paris but just one more traumatic expiriance anxiety got me glued and there were a lot of situations that i almost lose my mind bcs of that … I couldn’t understand how and why i developed it ,  i enjoyed beeing around ppl and now by body reacted crazy when i m around them ….  And finally as i lost my sense i made some stupid things in past , so i can’t make parallel anymore am i normal ????? I never had will to hurt someone , or to do something bad but i made things probably bcs i wanted attention , stupid once … but i made them and cover them so actually people didn’t know , but i know what i did so i have problems with guilt and sadness …..