Hi Ashley

Whether I have been duped or not as you put it – my boss is not the issue.  Its my actions that are the issue and the guilt I feel for those actions which is absolutely eating me up.

I have nothing to achieve by going to HR and this is the very last thing I would want to do.

I appreciate your response but it really hasn’t helped me.

Thanks

Hi TeaK,

Thank you so much for your support and for spending the time to read my angst and analyze it in such a helpful way, I am so very grateful.

I think a lot of what you are saying is true and I guess counseling would help.  I have had it in the past and didn’t find it that helpful, I sometimes find speaking to a friend better but it’s hard to confess something as big as this and then run the risk that they might say something.

As I type this, I am thinking to myself, what I did although wrong was not that bad if I reframe it.  I had self-control, I could have easily gotten carried away with my colleague and had sex with him, there were multiple times he asked me to stay at his or meet him in a hotel all of which I declined.

I think the problem for me is that I have built this up some much and told a story to myself that I am such a bad person and I am going to lose everything because of this, in fact, although it was wrong I was looking for comfort at the time and I found it in someone who had respect for me and saw the good in me – does that make sense?

I have booked a doctor’s appointment for my anxiety to see if there is something they can do to help, I had a bad night last night and work up having a panic attack and palpitations.  Thank goodness we can work from home at the moment.

Dear Anita,

Thank you again for your ongoing support.

Firstly with regards to my parents they are quite the opposite now.  They are no longer critical of me – in fact very proud of me.  My mum is supportive and I have gone to her with my problems but she has very bad anxiety and worries more than me and I don’t like putting things on her.  My father is now 87 and my mum cares for him.  I don’t want to put stress onto either of them.  They are definitely no long critical of me.  They do however identify the faults in my husband but also see his good qualities.  They are also very close with his parents and we are both two small families who have come together.  I love his parents very much and would struggle to not have them in my life also.

I definitely need to sort things out with my husband and change the dynamics in our relationship.  I just struggle when I am in this headspace where I feel guilty for what I have done.  In my head what I have done is worse than the way he treats me and I guess society would also see it that way.

I also don’t want to break up our little family and it would absolutely break my daughter and I don’t want to do that to her.  I just need to find my strength to get over this pit of the stomach feeling and awful anxiety.

Hi Anita,  I am overwhelmed by how much support you are giving me right now – thank you so much.  It has really made me start to think about things.

Firstly, let me give you a bit more insight as to what happened this year.  I also want to start by saying I absolutely do not want to be with my co-worker – I have massive respect from him, he is actually the CEO of the company so I think it is more the attraction of ‘man in power’ .

We work in an industry that has been massively affected by the pandemic.  We reduced the team from 100 down to 20 and we have all had to work v hard.  This on top of having to homeschool and be at home under one roof was getting too much at the beginning of the year.  When I was offered the chance to spend 1 day a week in the office it was obviously great to be able to get out of the house.  So in January, I started going to the office on a Tuesday and this is when the flirting started.  At that point I was clear this was just a bit of fun, but we became friendly and as I said by April we had crossed the line a couple of times.  At that point I realised that I do not want to go down this path and told him there and then which he respected.  I felt guilty but was proud of myself for stopping it.  I am very attracted to him but purely attraction more like a fantasy – not love.  I am also a realist and know that I am probably one of many.   Pre Covid there were rumours he was up to this kind of stuff with other employees.  I was just lapping up the attention and liked the fact that he found me attractive. He even said he is happy with his wife and family.  This is also where I also get stuck because I can’t understand how men can separate the two and not feel guilty.

I have always worried about doing the wrong thing and I think this definitely stems from my childhood and having very strict parents.  I was always accused of stuff that I hadn’t done and toughly disciplined when I made mistakes.  I remember finding some money in a purse at school and spending it on sweets, and the guilt ate me up so much that I took my pocket money and put it in the church collection. I also got caught smoking in secondary school and was told by my father that I had caused my mum to have a nervous breakdown.  So I guess this great feeling of guilt may stem from my childhood.  I also find myself comparing myself to others all the time and I definitely have imposter syndrome.

That being said what I did was wrong but what I am feeling now is that I need to learn from this and find a way to forgive myself.  I am going to gain nothing from telling my husband other than hurting him and my daughter.  I think as well when my anxiety manifest I always look to attach it to something.  I need to find a way to get out of this vicious cycle.

Thank you everyone for replying to me on this thread, you don’t know how much it has helped.

Yes it does.  I have always worried what people think of me and about making mistakes and the wrong decisions.  I know if I am honest with myself although what I did was very wrong, I did stop it and it did not result in a full blown affair.  I also stopped this back in April/ May and managed to get through the whole summer feeling just fine.  I now feel like I have lost myself and am stuck, overthinking this and not letting it go.

I feel like everything is on my shoulders as if I confessed I would ruin so many lives.  My Coworker is a grandad and has many children and grandchildren and it would break his family apart.  i would also lose my job which I absolutely love.

Thank you Anita for your response and for not judging me.  I still feel horrific but you are right I am going to feel even worse if I tell my husband, hurt him and break up our family.  I just have let myself down and gone against my moral compass.  I am a loyal and honest person and it goes against what I believe by being disloyal.  The only way I can justify it is that I need it at the time, but then I just feel selfish.