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February 2, 2014 at 7:00 am in reply to: Scared after reading here that people are not over their breakup even after year #50142
Jade ChenParticipantI agree with Eye of the Storm. You will not start to heal yourself unless and until you stop following her in Facebook/other social media and trying to find out what she’s up to. I think Eye’s suggestion to block her on Facebook is a good one. It’s also good at this time to find a good therapist or counsellor to talk to, to help you get through this difficult time. Also, seek out activities that calm you and rejuvenate you – whether it’s a sporting activity or just taking a quiet walk or looking at art, you know best what calm you and lifts your spirits. And consciously avoid the things you already know from experience will wind you up needlessly – like checking out your ex’s FB page!If it depresses you to read about other people’s relationship woes, my advice is: skip the Forum pages of Tiny Buddha for now and focus on yhe many helpful articles this website has about tackling emotional and spiritual distress. All the best.
Jade ChenParticipantDear Sherry,
I’ve been in your shoes, and there’re no easy answers. But a few things may help. First: you have to take care of yourself – your emotional, mental and physical health. Eat well (& eat clean food!), go for walks, try something like a yoga class or qigong or Pilates. You cannot begin to address the issues surrounding your husband until you’re treating your own body, mind & soul with tenderness. Second, you need to sit him down and make sure he gives you honest answers to the questions you have for him. Why did he do it? And what does he now feel? Third, assuming he is genuinely remorseful about what he did and he wants to stay in the marriage, you may want some alone time away from him to process what he tells you & think things through. Do you have a kind, non-judgmental and nurturing friend whom you can stay with for a bit? The alone time is to allow you to think through whether you can forgive his adultery and get past it. It has to be your own heartfelt decision because if you do decide to forgive him, it means really putting the past behind you and not bringing up his adultery again. The last is probably the hardest to do, but my own experience is that it’s essential – because if you’re going to bring up the adultery every time you have a fight, the relationship cannot survive that sort of deep seated simmering rage. If you decide to leave him because of this adultery, similarly do so without looking back in regret. You own your choices, and the fact that you’ve gotten this far despite dysfunctional family and a chronic disease means you are capable of great strength. Believe in your own authenticity, have faith. I wish you all the best.
Yours,
Jade ChenJade ChenParticipantI don’t think you are overreacting. My suggestion is, maybe you need to rethink the underlying dynamics of your relationship and talk through it with her. You say you rarely go out without her and yet she always guilt-trips you into coming home early. What’s going on here? Does she feel insecure about your relationship and if so, why? Do both of you want the same amount of “together” time? When you stop to think about it, are you really seething inside about having to ‘report in” when you’re out without her? I think it’s good to think thru these issues and also find a calm moment to talk through them with her. My own experience is that if you don’t take the time to examine your own feelings and to talk to your partner about his or her feelings, sometimes frustration and resentment build to an extent that one day you blow up over some little thing and say things you regret.
Good luck with everything!
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