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Need to forgive adulterous husband

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  • #49990
    Sherry Dale
    Participant

    I haven’t had an easy life. I got away from my parents home as soon as I could. It was a dysfunctional mess. When I found out that my husband was having an 18 month affair, my PTSD kicked and now I have anxiety attacks.

    I know I need to make changes with the way that I think. I REact to things, sometimes way more explosively then that event calls for (no I’m not talking about the affair.) He’s lucky he’s still breathing. I struggle with this affair, it is constantly making me sad. I just need to have peace in my life. I’ve had a chronic non-curable disease & have suffered for most of my adult years. I just need calm and to start enjoying life.

    Thanks!

    #50018
    Gary
    Participant

    I feel for you Sherry, That is not an easy thing to deal with for sure! Sadly I can relate to some of the things you are going through. It really hurts for sure. When I found out my wife was lying to me… it devastated me… I acted and said things that seemed justified at the time.. but now I feel guilty about my behavior(funny how that happened she messes up big time and I end up feeling first really mad,,then ashamed of how I acted…disappointed in me for putting myself with a person who is like this and disrespecting myself for how I have behaved after the fact). I have learned in the last little while with all that I have gone through..loss of two 14 year old dogs a llittle over a month ago, a chronic stomach problem.. which they just took my gallbladder out little over a week ago and now catching my wife in lying to me. It looks like my relationship is over..(cause i can’t say I could ever really trust her completely again) so much loss and pain i the last 6 months. But what I am learning is that I need to be there for myself. I know the counselors always tell us to be kinder to ourselves.. It has always felt un manly or weak for me to be kind to myself.(Somehow I always wanted others to be that way but I have been unwilling to be that way for myself) But I have been trying to be kind to myself and it has given me some relief from all the different kinds of hurt. I have started just saying to myself good job for each little thing I do. And telling myself that that I will be OK many times a day even if I don’t always believe it. Cause in truth that is what I would like my wife and my friends and family to tell me. And to be really honest they don’t know how to fix my problems… So it is up to me to keep praising myself inside for every-little step I make. Even a little as drinking a glass of water cause i would rater have something else….washing my hands…taking a shower…the simple things… and Sherry I have to say it has made the biggest difference in bringing back to some feelings of safety and hope for my future. I am very much a work in progress (need to restart my mediation practice) and dam it we can recover from hard things… my past shows that we do survive and what ever happens we will make it through what we are going through… Our history proved we will. I am wishing a healing day Sherry. 🙂
    I am going to set a goal to meditate tonight. do you have one small goal?
    I doubt I did you any good but Sherry I just want to thank you for being honest with what you are going through. Some how it gave me that freedom to write all this stuff down. thank you it helped. 🙂 Gary

    #50073
    Jade Chen
    Participant

    Dear Sherry,
    I’ve been in your shoes, and there’re no easy answers. But a few things may help. First: you have to take care of yourself – your emotional, mental and physical health. Eat well (& eat clean food!), go for walks, try something like a yoga class or qigong or Pilates. You cannot begin to address the issues surrounding your husband until you’re treating your own body, mind & soul with tenderness. Second, you need to sit him down and make sure he gives you honest answers to the questions you have for him. Why did he do it? And what does he now feel? Third, assuming he is genuinely remorseful about what he did and he wants to stay in the marriage, you may want some alone time away from him to process what he tells you & think things through. Do you have a kind, non-judgmental and nurturing friend whom you can stay with for a bit? The alone time is to allow you to think through whether you can forgive his adultery and get past it. It has to be your own heartfelt decision because if you do decide to forgive him, it means really putting the past behind you and not bringing up his adultery again. The last is probably the hardest to do, but my own experience is that it’s essential – because if you’re going to bring up the adultery every time you have a fight, the relationship cannot survive that sort of deep seated simmering rage. If you decide to leave him because of this adultery, similarly do so without looking back in regret. You own your choices, and the fact that you’ve gotten this far despite dysfunctional family and a chronic disease means you are capable of great strength. Believe in your own authenticity, have faith. I wish you all the best.
    Yours,
    Jade Chen

    #50317
    Sherry Dale
    Participant

    Thanks for your responses. The affair pops into my mind at least 100 times a day. I start to get mad, then I calm myself with a gentle reminder that “what’s done is done” I then will change my thought processes to keep myself busy. My husband & I are trying to reconcile, he knows it’s an uphill battle, but Greg I’m with you, I don’t know if I will be able to trust him… ever. But I did a lot of reading and got a lot of support. I was told to wait at LEAST 6 months before making that type of a decision. I’m going on 6 months. My husband sleeps in the guestroom. He is in the process of trying to woo me back. I’ve never understand how people can be so selfish that they would step outside their marriage for what? Sex, fling?, love? This morning I was hugging my husband good bye & he said “thank you for giving me a 2nd chance” and as I held him his tears began to flow.

    My fear is if I forgive him, then what he did to me will be gone forever. I think anytime something like this happens, there are lessons we need to learn from them. I’m still in the process of learning what I needed to learn. My marriage is 100% better than it ever was, & my husband makes sure I’m happy. But so many times I wanted to get in my car & just drive.

    I am taking care of myself, although I can’t get to the gym. I’ll try again tomorrow. But I’m eating/drinking regularly.

    Thanks again!

    #50485
    eye of the storm
    Participant

    Forgiveness does not remove what happened. It removes the bitterness and the pain. The scar of what happened will never go away but scar tissue is tougher and stronger than the skin that was there before. I am stronger and more compassionate than I was before. I look at my scars and no longer feel bitterness and anger. I see growth and strength. Having survived, I know the pain others feel and am able to let them see my scars and know there is hope for the future.

    I will not tell you to stay with your husband. Only you can know if you are able to learn to trust again. I will tell you that you need to forgive him. Not for his well being, for yours. That anger you are holding on to poisons you.

    What done is done. the past cannot be undone it can only be learned from, its experiences woven into who we are, and moved on from. The moving on part is where you are trapped. Staying where you are surrounded by bitterness and anger is comfortable and warm. But you will miss out on so much. I cannot tell you which path to take, but you do need to take one. You must move on to something better. It may be to a more open relationship with your husband, it may be to getting a divorce.

    Do not forgive him or stay married to him for him, Forgive him for you and then make the choice that, while it may be hard, is best for your life.

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