Forum Replies Created
May 29, 2019 at 7:07 am #296221
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has taken the time to advise me and to reply. I really am overwhelmed with the responses that I’ve had. I’m going to try and be more mindful..I still have alot of guilt and shame towards myself for allowing this relationship to happen but I’m going to try and work on it. I’ve downloaded the Aura app, has anyone tried it?
JadeMay 26, 2019 at 10:08 am #295791
Thank you so much for understanding. I’ve spent most of my life feeling ashamed and embarrassed about having this emotional baggage. I feel as if it’s a weakness and for most of my 20s I think I just tried to hide it and say I say i was fine when I really wasn’tMay 26, 2019 at 9:35 am #295773
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Anita</p>
I think most of what you say is right. I was angry for a long time at my mum until I grew up and understood how hard it must have been for her.
I don’t think I was trying to make him jealous with the comment, but I expect I probably have been guilty of trying to make him jealous at points before. The way I try and keep men is that I try too hard I think. I’m too nice, and too caring and do too much for them. I know I’m doing it though I just cant seem to stop.
I asked mark this question too, but I’m wondering how understanding the reasons that I do things is going to help me? Because to be honest its just starting me make me feel more and more like everything is my fault because I’m so messed up
JadeMay 26, 2019 at 7:57 am #295749
I’m sorry, I didn’t see that you replied. Thank you for taking the time to do so.
I cant remember the exact comment but it was a passing comment about an ex boyfriend or a reference to them and he said he didnt want me talking about other men. The arguments were usually because I stood up to him or disagreed with things that he said and his opinions. One arguement we had was because he’d hacked into my Facebook account and seen that I’d been talking to another man about sex a year ago and read the whole conversation. He went absolutely mental and stormed over and started grabbing all of his things and saying I was disgusting. He actually brought this up again the other day when I was in contact with him. I decided at that point in time, which was about 6 weeks into our relationship that I wouldn’t be treated that way and ended the relationship. But he came back crying and persuaded me to stay with him. I knew at that time I deserved better but I got sucked into it.
You’re absolutely right, I like to think I’m strong and know what I want and put on a front and try to convince myself that I’m tough. But deep down I’m not and I obviously dont know what I deserve or I wouldn’t put up with this treatment
JadeMay 24, 2019 at 9:43 pm #295627
You’re absolutely right about that. I try to set boundaries but if somebody crosses though I must just let it go and just try harder myself.
I’m working on anxiety and worry. I started this whilst I was still with my ex and I believe alot of the worry I had was from that relationship. I told the therapist this, but I feel since the break up I’ve just generated more worries. I always have something to worry or moan about. I have ALOT of negative thoughts about myself, so my therapist is aware that that is something that needs work too, and alot of body image issues. I try and use my weight and my looks as a method of control I think. If I lose this much weight I’ll be happy. If I look this way I’ll find a happy relationship. Which I’m aware is completely unhealthy.
The thing is, I’m completely aware of all of these issues I have , and I try and explore the root causes myself and like I have been here with you. But what good is that going to do? I’m not sure how its going to change me. I feel completely broken and every relationship I have that fails just reinforces the fact that I think I’m not good enough so I become more and more broken and unable to form healthy relationships.
JadeMay 23, 2019 at 9:57 pm #295409
Thanks for exploring that with me. I think some of things you say may be absolutely right. About my dad and wanting love from my mum. She was a really young mum and struggled a bit financially, she was also always looking for love so alot of different parental figures came into my life and then left. Some of which I was pleased about and some I was sad to see leave. I feel that she was always looking for love from other people instead of getting it from me. But I dont blame her for this. I’ve come to terms with it as I’ve got older and only feel sorry for her and compassionate.
Ii remember feeling a lot of guilt from my childhood. From early as I can remember. I think I felt guilty that I put such a burden on m mum financially and she was always so tired from working all of the time. I’m not sure how that would transpire into my current every day life. I still feel guilty about everything.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>My mum also had a lot of relationships and we moved a lot because of this. I’m completely aware that I long for a stable relationship and security and sometimes I stay in dysfunctional relationships longer than I should because I dont want to be like her. I’m always trying to just make it work no matter what and I’m a massive dreamer sometimes.</p>
I have even guilty of being too nice and doing too much for men in relationships and I understand this sometimes doesn’t do me any good. But is this really such a bad thing to want to make someone happy? I like the way it makes me feel. I hope to meetsomebody one day who will appreciate everything I do and want to do nice things in return.
Like I said, I’m really not sure about my deep seated issues. I know there’s definitely something not quite right but I’m just really unsure as to what it is. I think after CBT I’ll try some other therapy to maybe explore this. What would you recommend?
JadeMay 23, 2019 at 1:23 pm #295369
I am generally attracted more to men that are generally harder to get or have a hard exterior. I think when I see their vulnerable side it makes it rewarding for me.. so for example my ex hardly smiled but when he did it completely lit me up and I knew it was genuine.
My father was absent in my life until I was 14. I never thought it affected me that much as I was close to my mother and grandmother. My mum worked alot whilst I was little and I can remember always wanting her attention but never being able to get it. I wasnt really ever blamed as a child, I remember my mum being really fair and not blaming me for accidents etc.
Ive been on antidepressants since I was 18. I’m now 31, and have been struggling with anxiety and worry for a while now, which I’m currently getting help for (CBT). Relationships throughout my life have notoriously exaggerated these symptoms of anxiety and depression .
To be honest, I know I probably have alot of deep seated issues. I think that’s pretty evident as I struggle to develop and maintain relationships sometimes, but I really dont know where to start looking!
JadeMay 22, 2019 at 11:57 pm #295247
I know I will get over this and see it as a learning experience but I’m still struggling with so many emotions. Negative ones towards myself and also hurt betrayal confusion embarrassment and shame. Shame is the biggest. I’m so ashamed I let myself be treated that way for so long and so embarrassed people could see what was going onMay 22, 2019 at 11:52 pm #295245
I am completely overwhelmed that all of you replied.
Mark I think you are right and I am attracted to ‘broken’ men. I want to nurture everyone and look after them so I guess that’s why I’m attracted to them. His mum seemed to support his behaviour towards me I guess maybe because she didnt want to lose her son. But it annoys me because I feel she went through a similar experience with his dad and has actually alluded to being aware of this.
Thank you so much Erin. Those terms will help. I think it really was too good to be true in the beginning and the funny thing is my family and friends all saw through it. They supported me and the relationship but could see it all really and hoped it would end.
Thanks Jenna. Your similar experience helps. He also had PTSD and all I wanted to do was help him, it was so heartbreaking. I know I’m better off without him but the thing I beat myself up about the most is that I let it happen and I’m still letting it affect me. He still tried to control the relationship after he left.. I think because I agreed to the break up.. and refused to collect his stuff for weeks. Saying he would get it when he wanted to and If I touched it then I’d see what happens. Hes subsequently told me that wasnt a threat .. he was threatening me with legal action! Which I feel is just as bad.
I I felt like I was going to be ok the first few weeks. I felt like I was worth more and hes a selfish petulant child trapped in a mans body but I’ve had contact with him the last couple of days. I know I’m so stupid! I’m deciding to change careers and become a teacher and felt strong and motivated to do this but hes made negative comments to me about it and I’m stupid enough to have listened. It’s set me back a bit and I’m again analysing the situation and my confidence has been knocked. I’m now thinking again that hes right and maybe I cant do this. I cant be a teacher. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t let it affect be but I feel like a shell of my former self. Before him I was confident and self assured and knew what I wanted and what I deserved. Its just been gradually sapped out of me over the last year.
Anyway. Thank you again so much for all of your support. I know time is the best healerMay 22, 2019 at 10:25 pm #295237
Thank you so much for replying.
You are absolutely right about all of this. I knew he had issues with his mum as she walked out on him and her family because of an abusive relationship with his father when he was a teenager. So I’ve always known this.
It’s just so difficult. I just dont understand how he can believe and say the things that he has. It’s a completely warped view of the world and I know I couldn’t change that. I’m just really guilty of trying to understand people when I fact I guess I never really will.
I think this will help me to let go
Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply