<p style=”text-align: center;”>Hi Anita. I remember we spoke when I had a bad break up. I tried to channel that negative energy into becoming a teacher and feel really proud about that. I feel though, that maybe I didn’t deal with that relationship/abuse and have not had a romantic partner since. Nor, really the ability form or maintain many close relationships with friends. All I have done since then is work. I feel as if this has helped in a way, because it distracts me, but I am so tired and also so lonely. Since the death of my grandma I have moved in with my mum and her husband. My mum had me at a really young so wasn’t really emotionally available when I was a child so I got that emotional connection from my gran. Now my nan is gone I feel a bit lost. I moved in with my mum 5 months after my nan died whilst I wait for the money to come through from my nans will, but this is going to be another 6 months or more.</p>
Since living with them I have cooked and cleaned every day for 7 months. Alongside working 10+ hours a day and commuting for 2 hours a day. One of the reasons moved is because my mum needed some help because her husband was having a heart operation. She has had a really difficult year. On the 23rd I had been at a friend’s house for drinks. They had been at a party aswell. We got home around the same time and my mum told me she had bought some cigarettes. (She is an ex smoker  she has severe copd and a genetic lung condition). I lost it. I said that I was really ashamed of her and she should know better and so should her husband. I went to bed. Her husband stormed into my bedroom and started screaming at me and calling me names. I feel as if this is all influenced by alcohol but after the last relationship I had which was really abusive I felt really triggered. I just had to get out but I didn’t really know where to go. I went to my aunties house for the night. In the morning I came back, he apologised and my mum tried to talk tome but I was really still upset. So christmas happened and I pretended everything was OK for a few days. I have been avoiding them both since then  trying to keep out of the way and trying to make sure I am tidy to avoid any arguments. Since then I have had extreme anxiety

I feel so threatened, emotionally and feel really unsafe. I have spoken to a couple of people who have told me that I need to let it go and I need to get over it, but I really can’t. I tried to talk to my mum today and I explained how I felt and how I felt it was a trigger. I also apologised and said I know I cannot tell her what to do, I know I shouldn’t have gotten upset but I was worried and regardless, it doesn’t warrant a response like that. I have found out today that she has told all my family members about her side of the argument now and about how I had baited them for days. Which I can honestly say I did not. I also heard her speaking about me in the kitchen the other day and when I confronted her and said it upset me she denied it. I feel like I’m being made to feel crazy for having an adverse reaction. I told her I feel betrayed because of everything I have done for them for the past 7 months at the sacrifice to myself and my own wellbeing

.  She basically laughed and said that this was all my fault and I caused the argument. I am fully aware that maybe I have overreacted, but I do not have a safe space anymore. I dont have a home to run to or a grandma to run to if I feel sad. I feel gaslighted and like my feelings have not been considered. I told her I feel unwelcome and she said I’m making myself feel unwelcome by staying in my room and speaking to her with ‘frosty politeness’ but I don’t know how else to be.

I know this is probably me. I know that I have shut down and all I want to do is run away from this and cut them off. I dont cope well with being upset by people. I have tried to contact talkworks for some therapy for dealing with relationships. They advised I have private attachment therapy. Maybe that’s a good idea. I really fear that I will push everyone away and not have anyone in the future. But I am also aware that sometimes not everything is because of my mental health and I feel like I am gaslighted over this. I just cant distinguish what is real anymore. I tried to speak to my sister earlier but my mum had already apparently called her, and given her her account of things. Which made me feel really paranoid. I feel as if she is trying to justify the way her husband spoke to me by making up lies. I’m really worried about my future. Im really worried about my mental health and I’m really worried that things will never get better for me. I try so hard. I listen to self help books, I have therapy, I take ADs. I try to exercise. Things just seem to get harder the older I get and the more life experiences I have. I feel as if I have nobody that I can trust and turn to anymore and feel like everyone is against me. Im really fed up of being so miserable

Anita

Thank you so much for understanding. I’ve spent most of my life feeling ashamed and embarrassed about having this emotional baggage. I feel as if it’s a weakness and for most of my 20s I think I just tried to hide it and say I say i was fine when I really wasn’t

Hi Anita

I’m sorry, I didn’t see that you replied. Thank you for taking the time to do so.

I cant remember the exact comment but it was a passing comment about an ex boyfriend or a reference to them and he said he didnt want me talking about other men. The arguments were usually because I stood up to him or disagreed with things that he said and his opinions. One arguement we had was because he’d hacked into my Facebook account and seen that I’d been talking to another man about sex a year ago and read the whole conversation. He went absolutely mental and stormed over and started grabbing all of his things and saying I was disgusting. He actually brought this up again the other day when I was in contact with him. I decided at that point in time, which was about 6 weeks into our relationship that I wouldn’t be treated that way and ended the relationship. But he came back crying and persuaded me to stay with him. I knew at that time I deserved better but I got sucked into it.

You’re absolutely right, I like to think I’m strong and know what I want and put on a front and try to convince myself that  I’m tough. But deep down I’m not and I obviously dont know what I deserve or I wouldn’t put up with this treatment

Jade

Mark

Thanks for exploring that with me. I think some of things you say may be absolutely right. About my dad and wanting love from my mum. She was a really young mum and struggled a bit financially, she was also always looking for love so alot of different parental figures came into my life and then left. Some of which I was pleased about and some I was sad to see leave. I feel that she was always looking for love from other people instead of getting it from me. But I dont blame her for this. I’ve come to terms with it as I’ve got older and only feel sorry for her and compassionate.

Ii remember feeling a lot of guilt from my childhood. From early as I can remember. I think I felt guilty that I put such a burden on m mum financially and she was always so tired from working all of the time. I’m not sure how that would transpire into my current every day life. I still feel guilty about everything.

My mum also had a lot of relationships and we moved a lot because of this. I’m completely aware that I long for a stable relationship and security and sometimes I stay in dysfunctional relationships longer than I should because I dont want to be like her. I’m always trying to just make it work no matter what and I’m a massive dreamer sometimes.

I have even guilty of being too nice and doing too much for men in relationships and I understand this sometimes doesn’t do me any good. But is this really such a bad thing to want to make someone happy? I like the way it makes me feel. I hope to meetsomebody one day who will appreciate everything I do and want to do nice things in return.

Like I said, I’m really not sure about my deep seated issues. I know there’s definitely something not quite right but I’m just really unsure as to what it is. I think after CBT I’ll try some other therapy to maybe explore this. What would you recommend?

Jade

I know I will get over this and see it as a learning experience but I’m still struggling with so many emotions. Negative ones towards myself and also hurt betrayal confusion embarrassment and shame. Shame is the biggest. I’m so ashamed I let myself be treated that way for so long and so embarrassed people could see what was going on

Hi Anita

Thank you so much for replying.

You are absolutely right about all of this. I knew he had issues with his mum as she walked out on him and her family because of an abusive relationship with his father when he was a teenager. So I’ve always known this.

It’s just so difficult. I just dont understand how he can believe and say the things that he has. It’s a completely warped view of the world and I know I couldn’t change that. I’m just really guilty of trying to understand people when I fact I guess I never really will.

I think this will help me to let go

Thank you so much again for taking the time to reply