Luckily my school offers free counseling from our psychology graduate students, and I have been attending for the past couple weeks.

I have issues with perfectionism. That I always have to be doing the right thing always, and if I don’t I constantly beat myself up about it.

Whenever times get tough I have a coping mechanism where I will break up with the person I am with, or leave the friend who has harmed me. Out of sight out of mind.

I have issues with not loving myself.

I think I started feeling this way when I was a lot younger or in high school. My parents were not affectionate at all growing up. My father was a very angry guy and would always yell. He would tell my sister and I that we were worthless at times. I remember I would just close up and tell myself not to react so that he doesn’t get more angry. I would constantly try to prove myself or please my parents so that maybe they would love me more. When I was in between the ages of 17-19 I was struggling really bad with my sexuality. I was burying myself in hooking up with men because I knew I liked women as well and that scared me. I dated a girl a summer after my freshman year of college who treated me terribly and made me hate myself for being bisexual.

I have been seeing a counselor since September. Recently I discovered through these sessions is that I’ve actually always had these anxious, angry, sad feelings even before I met him. When I met him, he made me forget all these insecurities until we broke up, until I learned what he did when we were broken up and what I did in reaction to that. Overall I learned that I don’t love myself nearly as much as I should. Previous relationships and childhood memories attributed to these feelings, it’s just that these feelings sprouted again because they weren’t dealt with previously.

I am working on loving myself more, being grateful for what I have and living life in the moment instead of the future of the past. The journey is rather difficult, but it is nice to know that he is there supporting me every step of the way. He isn’t a crutch, but more of a rock when I am feeling weak. So I guess I answered my own question then, I did make the right decision by working on my relationship. I just have to work on myself more.