March 20, 2017 at 8:16 am #140763
About 6 months ago my boyfriend and I broke up for a month. In that span of time he was devastated and drank a lot. He forced himself to go on dates with his coworker who asked him out. His roommate said it would make him feel better. Long story short they fooled around 3 times and ended up sleeping together, every single time they were both drinking/drunk. He regrets everything and I have forgive him.
The problem is that now it has given me a world full of doubts and anxiety. Old problems that I have had within myself have surfaced. I don’t feel confident in myself anymore, and I don’t feel good enough. He has to constantly reassure me that it didn’t mean anything to him and that he was just hurting/drinking. Part of me blames myself for breaking up with him, then none of this would have happened. Now I feel uncomfortable visiting him in his office or attending events at his work because she will be there. He feels absolutely terrible about it.
In terms of doubts, I am doubting whether or not I have enough sexual experiences under my belt. I have only slept with one man and one woman, but have fooled around with multitude of people. He has been with about 7 women. It’s just a constant comparison in my head. But sex isn’t what life is about right? I’ve never really been a sexual person, I have always valued deep conversations over sex.
How can I make these feelings go away? My head is a constant jumbled mess.March 20, 2017 at 8:49 am #140767
It may be time for competent psychotherapy. Maybe a short term therapy will help you to get out of this trap that you are experiencing (title of your thread).
You wrote: “Old problems that I have had within myself have surfaced”-
Would you like to share about those old problems: when did they originate and what is their nature?
anitaMarch 20, 2017 at 10:37 am #140805
Luckily my school offers free counseling from our psychology graduate students, and I have been attending for the past couple weeks.
I have issues with perfectionism. That I always have to be doing the right thing always, and if I don’t I constantly beat myself up about it.
Whenever times get tough I have a coping mechanism where I will break up with the person I am with, or leave the friend who has harmed me. Out of sight out of mind.
I have issues with not loving myself.
I think I started feeling this way when I was a lot younger or in high school. My parents were not affectionate at all growing up. My father was a very angry guy and would always yell. He would tell my sister and I that we were worthless at times. I remember I would just close up and tell myself not to react so that he doesn’t get more angry. I would constantly try to prove myself or please my parents so that maybe they would love me more. When I was in between the ages of 17-19 I was struggling really bad with my sexuality. I was burying myself in hooking up with men because I knew I liked women as well and that scared me. I dated a girl a summer after my freshman year of college who treated me terribly and made me hate myself for being bisexual.March 20, 2017 at 10:58 am #140811
The order of things: it may seem, on the surface, that you were confident in the relationship, then – during the break in it- he had sex with another woman, and as a result you lost your confidence. But, seems to me, the correct order is that you lacked confidence, were prone to anxiety and self doubts before meeting your boyfriend. His experience with the other woman only exacerbated your doubts and anxiety. And next event, from your last post, is – could be- breaking up with him yet again (“Out of sight, out of mind” you wrote).
The “Feeling Trapped” (title of your thread), isn’t it like feeling trapped with your father, a re-experiencing of the intense distress you had then, when he was yelling at you and demeaning you? And your natural response is the need to run away (end the relationship)?
anitaMarch 20, 2017 at 11:17 am #140823
Yes you are right it is like re-experiencing intense distress. Except this time I don’t want to run away. He is an honest man that made a mistake when we weren’t together. I just am not sure how I can overcome these personal issues within myself.March 20, 2017 at 11:24 am #140827
To “overcome these personal issues within (yourself)”- competent psychotherapy is the place.
Having been trapped with your father for years, when you were a dependent child, during your formative years, has had a great affect on you. That distress is well recorded in your brain and gets re-activated. The more you attend to the original experience, process it, the more you will free your present experience from the past experience with your father.
anitaJune 26, 2017 at 4:48 pm #155178
Your boyfriend should absolutely not have had to justify his sleeping with a coworker after YOU broke up with him. You do not have some kind of special lien period where he has to stay celibate because you were sick of him and wanted to “take a break” unless you both agreed only a short break was taking place. It is unfair to your boyfriend to have made him feel terrible with your immature behavior, an adult learns how to control the negative energy and emotions they give off when those feelings are unjustified.
As for your comments about sex and confidence since this incident, I would not worry about it anymore. As a guy who has been in his position, the fact that he returned to you after you broke up with him and after he slept with this coworker almost certainly means he either enjoys intimacy with you more, or cares more about your other qualities than he does about sex even if she is somewhat more experienced. If you are still anxious and comparing yourself to her, my only advice would be to add a little extra when you are making love – claw his back if you don’t already etc. a guy is really most satisfied in bed when it at least seems like a woman is so into it she couldn’t possibly think about anything else.
If that’s too long basically you are right to blame yourself, shouldn’t worry about sexual comparison considering he came back to you.