Dear Anita,

you are probably right. I am afraid of being in a relationship because I love my freedom too much and I really do not want to stress any more than I naturally do about things. At the same time, I am ashamed (in front of others, especially my ex-classmates and ex-friends) that no one finds me beautiful enough or partner-worthy.

“let’s look at your fear of your father. You wrote earlier: “I was afraid of him for most of my childhood and teenage years”- will you elaborate on this sentence, more than you did before?” – My father is very traditional, kinda conservative. He has always been very strict and serious (although much less now that I am an adult). He loses his temper quickly, but he never raised a hand on us. He had to work very hard since he was a child (he is very much a workaholic) and he wanted his children to be hard workers too. So his behavior affected me more on that level – make as few mistakes as you can. Before going to college, I was not afraid of men. It was in college that I encountered strange men and my friends who were telling me their bad relationship stories. It was scary to see that 90% of people in relationships (at least people I knew) were unhappy or afraid because their partner was controlling or abusive in some way. Girls especially were faced with infections, herpes, always going to the gynecologist because their partners were cheating on them or refused to wear a condom. Girls were limited in who they could hang out with and every time I was having coffee with a friend, her partner would text her a million times asking where she is and with who.  They were/are constantly worried about what they look like because their partners criticize their bodies even though they have perfect figures and for the life of me I cannot figure out who could criticize someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model. Men’s standards are so high and I don’t want to stress myself out always wondering whether I’m good enough or not.. I don’t want to be controlled, I don’t want to spend hours on the phone every day reporting where I am or who I’m with. My fear is that my partner would change once we were together long enough for him to manipulate me without me even knowing. If people knew right away that someone is controlling and abusive, they would not date that person in the first place, yet there are so many bad people in relationships because they are good at pretending to be kind and respectful.  I rarely see signs of manipulative friends right away (I usually see them when I’m deep into people-pleasing them), so I I’m too afarid too even try with a romantic partner.

I hope what I wrote makes some sense. 🙂

Dear Anita,

“it is possible (?) that you don’t really want to be in a romantic relationship, that what you want is to not be embarrassed about not being in a relationship” – This is very true. I feel like with relationships comes drama. I don’t really know any functional marriages or relationships in general. All my friends have had some kind of troubles in relationships: cheating, controlling behaviour, too much compromise on one side only, etc. I have just lost faith in a healthy relationship before I even started. Men that do approach me are strange, usually much older and very vulgar. I’m afraid I’ll attract a psychopath or someone who will create trouble if I want to leave them. My friend had two boyfriends who threatened to hurt themselves and her if she tries to leave and I am absolutely terrified of something like that happening to me. Others were cheated on and manipulated. I am also so disappointed with guys criticizing women so much and the lack of privacy in relationships. People spill the beans so to speak on everything, especially their sex lives. They criticize their partner’s body, they discuss what they do in the bedroom, etc. I don’t want my partner to talk to other people about our intimate life and about my body. I don’t want my future boyfriend to tell all his friends that I’ve been a virgin for so long.  I am a kind (I focus a lot on self-development), private person, and I don’t know why I keep attracting men who either low-key sexually harass me or are not my type in general. I can’t picture myself with someone who doesn’t care about self-growth and is etitled and controlling. I’m know I’m not perfect and I am not expecting to get a perfect boyfriend, but I do want one that is respectful and interested in self-development.

Dear Anita,

thank you! 🙂 I will.

All the best,

Janet

Dear Anita,

I was meaning to write to you soon. 🙂 Yes, I have made some progress! (at least I think I have) I am practicing comebacks to different scenarios and I think of words more quickly. I have also recently ended a friendship with someone I thought I could trust and they blindsided me with their wish to not interact with me anymore. The person is dealing with some issues and they always confided in me and wanted me to listen to them and I did. I also shared some of my problems with them and we bonded over both having anxiety. This person told me that they don’t want to talk to me anymore because talking about our problems gives them more anxiety. I was confused because they confided in me willingly and frequently asked for advice and started such conversations, but instead of lashing out and being angry, I recognized that this is for the best. Usually, I would obsess over this for months, even years maybe. But I was “over it” the next day because I cannot be friends with someone who wants me to listen to them all the time without being able to open up myself. I also analyzed what I could do better in the future and how I can become a better friend. Maybe I was not “badass” with this person (since I agreed to the end of the friendship), but I still feel badass because I let it go without obsessively blaming myself and telling myself that I am a bad person. I don’t need to convince this person that I am a worthy friend and this is a huge step forward for me. I was never able to do that before.

Dear Anita,

thank you! That is a great idea, to practice in front of a mirror. As we have established at the beginning of this thread, I’m not always aware of my facial expressions and body language. I will definitely do this.

“Then when you see her, like an actress in a play who did a lot of practice, deliver your best performance.” – I like this description! I feel like doing this would help me with other frustrations as well. I often know how I want to react to something, but I end up reacting completely differently. Pretending to be an assertive badass might eventually lead to me being that way and not only pretending. 🙂

Dear Anita,

thank you for taking the time so many days in a row to help me. I’m trying my best to stand up for myself for a while now and my brother is also helping me by teaching me how to be more assertive. I know, that if it ever happens that my bully and I meet again, I have to show her that I am not a goody goody anymore and she cannot manipulate me any longer. I should not care about seeming like a bad person if I assert myself. My brother always tells me that is better to be respected than liked. Sometimes I just need encouraging words from strangers as well, hence my post here. I like to know that I am not alone and that others have successfuly overcome such struggles.
I hope to one day be able to say that I have overcome this struggle as well.
All the best,

Janet

Dear Anita,

thank you for your words and for understanding. 🙂

“It seems like this bully is sadistic, that she is enjoying inflicting pain on others who she perceives to be weaker than her…; If this is the case, in first grade and all through primary school, there was absolutely nothing you could have done to make her stop bullying you. Some adult had to intervene for you, an adult she perceived as someone strong enough to hurt her. Am I understanding correctly?” Yes, I believe she is sadistic and it makes me sad to think there are other people who have suffered because of her. In high school she only had me, as far as I know (in the “school domain”). I know now and it makes me feel better that you assured me that there was nothing I could have done. It does, however, make me so angry at myself for allowing her past influence to continue now when I only see her a few times a year. It seems like she has her life all together while I’m still picking up the pieces of my life that she broke. I know I sound revengeful… 🙁 I cannot help but feel like it’s not fair that someone who has done so much deliberate harm and lives their life without any consequences. Have you ever felt that way about someone/something?