Dear Matt,

I found your post while googling the phrase “I can’t forgive myself for my failed marriage”. Your story struck a chord, and I wanted to tell you of my experience, which might change the way you think about your ex. I got married to a lovely man when I was 23. By the time I hit 25, I was bored with him and I started an affair with a colleague. Thus started the most awful turbulent period of my life, as I descended into chaos. I drank heavily, started smoking, put on weight. Looking back, I think that I was actually suffering a mental breakdown, but no-one could help me, as I wouldn’t let them. My husband was heart-broken. He waited for me for a while, until he met a woman who helped him, and he eventually told me that he would wait no more. I didn’t want him, but I didn’t want anyone else to have him. By the time I realised what I had lost, it was too late. This all happened many years ago (I’m now 55) but I have never forgiven myself for my appalling behaviour in my 20’s. When I think back to that time, it is almost as though I was someone else. I tore up my life and severed family ties as a result – not just with my husband. My Dad died a few years later, and I honestly think his death was significantly due to the effect my behaviour had on him. A few years later, I meet another great man, and we have been together for 25 years. However, I still have dark periods when I play my actions over and over in my mind. It may be that your ex does think about her actions with regret. In time, she may gain the courage to tell you this to your face. I only wish I could have apologised when I had the chance.

All the very best to you.