Jo Casey is a resilience expert, trainer and coach who’s on a mission to help people increase their joy, passion & impact at work. She’s a mama, recovering perfectionist, yoga addict and baker of a mean sponge cake. Visit Jo at www.jocasey.com where you can sign up for her free ‘Work Happier Now’ course. Or you can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
Forum Replies Created
April 29, 2013 at 2:54 am #34961Jo CaseyParticipant
I know how hurt you are and how it might feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. It also sounds pretty confusing – to still love and want to support your BF but be conflicted because you’ve been hurt by his actions.
The bottom line is – you can’t be sure he won’t cheat again. None of us can ever be sure that our partners won’t do something stupid, or hurtful – or in fact that we ourselves won’t either. Love means opening yourself up to being hurt – and to hurting someone else too.
I think right now you are both struggling. I’m not sure you’re feeling resourceful enough to be able to provide the support your BF needs for his depression, or that he’s in the right place (or the right person) to support you through your pain. And that’s totally understandable.
That’s not to say you won’t both get past this – it could be something that you can both grow together and can deepen your relationship and trust. The danger is that moving in together before this is worked through is papering over the cracks – and that they’ll just deepen over time. Wounds left untreated have a tendency to fester.
Believe me, I know the temptation to ‘wish everything would go back to how it was before.’ The fact is, it will never be the same. Even if you grow together, get past this (and it’s perfectly possible to do) wherever you end up will be different to how it was before. You’ve grown, changed and experienced new things. In some ways, it’s the end of the fairy tale – but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It might be the chance to begin building something real– does that make sense?
So I think the first step is accepting it is what it is – acknowledging that this is tough – that you’re both hurting. You need to be honest with yourselves and deal with how it is – not how you wish is was. Only then can you begin to properly heal. Whether you both end up together or not, you will have dealt with it honestly and had the chance to grow as people.
Getting a bit of extra support might be a good idea – whether it’s a therapist of just friends. You need other people to give a bit of the extra support that you and your BF aren’t in the best place to give to one another right now.
I really hope this helps. Take care