Hi Annie.

First of all, give yourself a hug. You are going through a lot and you are suffering. Your anger is because you have been searching and waiting for your ex to display the love and affection towards you in the way you expect. He has not been the right connection. Have you projected your needs of love and affection on to him? Do you feel like you entire being was the relationship?

You are not your relationships. You are at that point in the aftermath where you are waiting for him to stand up and say he got it wrong, or show you that he can return the love and respect you have shown him. You have been waiting for him to complete the missing parts in your life with love and trust. From experience, we have to be rock solid as individuals in a relationship. The moment we become dependent on the other for emotional fulfilment or internal self worth, it’s pretty much down hill from there. It results in possessiveness, jealousy and brings out emotions and behaviours in us that are completely at conflict with who we are.

Your anger is because you maybe are not ready to let go. Letting go of someone you love is so painful whatever they have done to you or you have done to them. From personal experience it is agonising. Somewhere at some point you both stopped giving each other what each was looking for. This is not condoning his behaviour because he might just want chaos all the time and games and someone who will play those games and that person is not you. We cannot submit ourselves to someone we love at the cost of our own internal identity when many of our internal values are so at conflict with who we really are.

The anger is only hurting you, not him. Do you think he appreciates or recognises the anger and hurt you are going through? Are you putting yourself through this for you or for him? Sadly he does probably not because this is your experience that you alone are going through. Anger can only, only be replaced with gratitude. Once you understand your “enemy” you can only feel but love and pity for them. Be grateful that he has lighted a fire in you that has shown you the kind of person you expect to be with. Turn the anger into gratitude that he has shown his true being to you and that you have the awareness and mental capability to assess and decide that you want a better relationship. Feel gratitude that this part of your life is a time to build you, a time to learn to love you and identify with yourself. The theme in a lot of my posts are that we all need to love ourselves. So if you are feeling angry, think about what you are grateful for instead.

Everyone’s breakup is personal to them. I don’t think people intentionally go out to screw up others peoples life’s, maybe know some do, but if you look at it like this… He had a whole basket of chaos and stuff he is carrying around and that’s his journey. Only he can learn from it and change or carry on as he is. People can and do change but anger and frustration waiting for them to change is very draining.

If for instance he did change, and you were in a different emotional place of strength , the conflicts that you have now, will probably be irrelevant in a rekindled relationship and you would have the relationship you want. But this is the essence of letting go isn’t it? Hoping waiting and wishing things would have been different. So if you love him, then set him free. If you cannot set him free then it is love for yourself that you need because it means that you are utterly dependent on him for your happiness and we both know that this is not a way to be living your life.

Only you can decide to let go of the anger. Put it in a box and replace it with gratitude. This will allow you to have the energy to focus on yourself and in time understanding what you have learnt about yourself from the relationship.

I can only send you positive thoughts that you gain peace soon, enough to go through your immediate future with a positive outlook for the future and an acceptance of the past for what it was.

Take care

Hi deepunk
What a wonderful and lucky person you are. There is no one on this planet like you. You are unique and special. There is something that you are good at and passionate about and you are the only person who can deliver it like that. You know what this is,
First of all…life is absolute chaos. Everybody’s life is a chaotic mess of emotions and problems intermingled with sprinkles of joy and happiness.
Your strength is your self-awareness. You are able to objectively listen to what you think, so here is what I need you to do for you….
Stop listening to the content of your thoughts, listen instead to their form. For instance “oh why can’t I make a decision”, replace with “when did I decide that I would be indecisive. What specifically is stopping me from making a decision. When I say I can’t I am telling myself I won’t, so why won’t I? What would have to happen right now for me to decide on that? What would be the last thing I would need to hear, see or feel to know I had made a great decision” . Out of curiosity … when did you decide that you were not going to make a decision?

Fear is an investment in stuff that hasn’t even happened yet. Worrying about what others think is wasted energy. If we could control how other people think of us… would that really help us? What would it change? Would it bring you happiness if you knew everyone thought a certain set of things about you? Of course it wouldn’t. The variety of people’s perceptions of us and their feedback shapes us, guides us , deters us, makes us human. We are our own people.

Everyone and I mean everyone is doing the best with what they have available, so stop being so hard on yourself and give you a break. You are human and you are doing just fine.

We sometimes look in the wrong direction at what we believe is the “problem” but often find that the solution was a few words away. A few words can change a lifetime and the great thing is that you already have the words inside you, that can completely turn your life around. These words seems to be the most difficult to tell ourselves as we all seek constant approval and look for love and fulfilment in others.

Look in the mirror and say aloud “I love myself”. Now that felt good didn’t it?

You are in crisis. Crisis is good because it represents a perceived problem (aka challenge) AND it also represents opportunity. So let’s get you focused on something that is completely in the opposite direction of where all your energy is going. You have a job to do and it’s this… write down every morning 3 three in that day that you are going to do to show yourself that you love yourself. So let’s say tomorrow it could be “I am going to lay out in the garden and look at the sky for 20 minutes and just admire the beauty of the blueness and feel alive because I know this will bring peace to my mind and love for myself brings peace for myself.” Number 2 could be. “Today I will do 10 press ups because this is the first day that I know that I love my body and I will feed it will love and energy from a little exercise. “. Number 3 could be. “Today I will drink cool water from my favourite glass and enjoy the taste of its purity and feel how lucky I am to replenish my body with this water”. Seriously this is easy simple, small stuff that you are very very capable of doing. You can keep it personal. You don’t need approval from any family member or to explain why you think you should start loving yourself or what exactly you are doing. You know and I know you do know now, that your family members and parents have all got their own journey and struggle going on. You cannot know what they think and feel or perceive things to be from behind their eyes and nor can they know from behind yours. So just decide to let go now of all that worry you gave yourself before you loved yourself when you believed that you needed to please others. That’s right, you love yourself more now. You are an amazing human being, you have achieved great things and the horizon of your life where you reach the dreams you set out, like steady job, happy, loving relationships, are all in front of you, but you will not see them or reach them unless you love yourself now.

The employee who said “you of all people” has paid you a ,momentous compliment….sit and think for a moment. Please do this now …. This employee has a lot of respect for you. They held and still and I please read this again, “and still” hold you in high regard. So why has it impacted you, those few words…. It’s because you did not realise how great you were. The employee showed their disappointment in “themselves”….they were looking for external approval from you and instead their reaction to positive feedback and new ideas was a feeling that they had let you down. There is an old saying, “once you understand your foe, you can but love and care for them”. This employee has their journey todo and you to them are amazing and they never wanted to let you down. Forgive them. Listen to how the things that have been said to you have an alternate meaning to the meaning you have assigned to those words.

How do I know this? I am a certified NLP life coach, time line practitioner and hypnotherapist. No I don’t see clients or have an office. I have battled bipolar for 20 years and finally finally after reaching the near end of humanity, as you have, those dark corners where it’s so painful to live another minute, I realised that no one, no one elses love for me, non one elses joy, no medication, no relationship, no job, nothing was going to restore my life but the commencement of a journey of learning to love myself. I have a journey to do, but the change has been made and today you have made it too. From the next minute forward your whole energy goes into those three words “I love myself”.

I know this message will be a turning point for you. This very very small change in your thinking will become a habit. These thoughts will get stronger and stronger till you feel yourself wanting to burst and tell the world “oh, I completely get it now, I just needed to love myself” . The rest, well, that’s the journey.

P.s I know a guy who can completely allow you to let go of all your negative emotions. It’s you.
🙂