Dear loveandkisseszaphod,

I will start by tuning in with some of the other users above by saying that you deserve more. The break up story itself, whether its a weird one or not (I think not) doesn’t matter. The mattress doesn’t matter. Whether he has reasons for behaving like he did doesn’t matter! What matters is that you respect yourself and put limits. And you did! You are a brave and loving person and I have faith in you. Congratulations for showing up for yourself, because many would not be able to.

To be more specific, I want to emphasise the following: You did NOT overreact. On a side not, one could ask who was overreacting; You, for wanting some peace, or he, for braking up because you wanted some peace? Anyway, none of you overreacted. You “kicking” him out was NOT an act against him, but rather, it was you responding to your needs! You know it’s true. And wether or not he realises that doesn’t matter. Whether his friends and colleagues understands that DOESN’T MATTER. Because YOU know the truth of your actions! You know that it was an act of love for yourself. In his case, the guilt and shame he feels from behaving the way he did makes him feel awful, so he turns to his friends and colleagues to seek validation to proof that he’s a good person (everyone want so be a good person). Further, the lack of self-love required to forgive himself, prevents him from being able to continue being with you in this stage of live. In the meantime, if you can: Practice acceptance with being misunderstood. You reacted in response to your needs and that is called self love and I’m so f* proud of you <3

From what I read, I interpret you as a reflective person who want to become a better person, and you have strong sense of empathy. This makes you sensitive to his point of view and you can understand where he’s coming from and you see his beautiful sides. Because I am sure he is wonderful too! But what many people like you (including myself) tend to forget is that, just because we understand why a certain person behaves in a certain way, doesn’t mean we are bound to cope with it. In my previous relationship, I was continuously making excuses for my ex’s comments and behaviours, because I was knew that “he doesn’t mean it that way”. These were small things, like, not paying attention when I did things for him, or not caring about cleaning up after himself despite that he knew how much it meant to me. Small things, sure, but point is, our relationship didn’t make me feel good because he could never reflect on himself or try to see understand my viewpoint. I truly believe he wanted to, but he just could not look himself in the mirror and admit that there were areas in his life that he could improve.

You say that he said “… if we don’t break up now, it will be devastating later.” This is hard to take in. But he is probably right. Thank him for being brave and speaking his mind. The love you gave for yourself that day makes it impossible for him to use you for his comfort zone, so he needs to go and look for it elsewhere. I hope however, that he start to look within himself, but the alcohol might prevent him from doing so.

Now, breathe.
1. Thank yourself for showing up for yourself that day. Say it out loud until you believe it.
2. Forgive him for behaving like he did, his self-esteem was under threat.
3. Accept being misunderstood. The only one who needs to understand is you.

There’s nothing to regret and I support you forever <3