Mark,

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I have tried that technique before, and am working on getting better at it. When it doesn’t quite work, is there anything you suggest?

Anita,

To answer your questions of parents encouraging me to strive for my best:

-From a young age, I was taught that education is valuable and good grades will get you far. Overall, I have done quite well in school, graduating at the top 5% of my high school class and then getting into my dream college.

-In high school, there was a high-level regional position I wanted to be elected to. They encouraged me to go for it, and were willing to help me out as much as they could.

Being okay to make mistakes:

-In high school, I once got a B in a course. I had wanted to graduate with a perfect 4.0, but my dad (a professor) told me it was okay. He said that this could be a great learning experience, and teach me the value of resilience. Some time later, he told me he was proud of me for moving forward and not letting it bring me down.

-In college, I struggled with some courses and often grew frustrated. My mom often reminded me that I was trying my best, that pre-med courses are supposed to be hard, and that I should be proud of what I have accomplished.

-I was never good with athletics. I have memories of performing below the curve in tennis, soccer, swimming, etc. but my parents never let me feel disappointed about that.

Gentleness

-My parents never hit me, and rarely yelled at me. In fact, I occasionallt joke with them about how my sister and I were never disciplined/how we aren’t scared of them.

-They did, at times, talk to me in a stern voice and made their disappointment clear to me. For example, when I was younger I had a habit of lying for which they would scold me in a serious, although not loud, voice. Another example of stern lecturing occurred when I was not doing well on standardized tests in high school (SAT, AP)and was putting (in their eyes) too much attention to certain extracurricular activities.

Please let me know if I can clarify anything further. I hope you have a great evening.

If I may also add, I think it also causes anxiety because of my habit of catastrophizing this situation, or taking it to an extreme, with my constant thoughts that this has either altered the whole course of my life, or thinking that my life would be perfect in the absence of these incidents.

Hi Anita,

My apologies for not responding to your previous message. I learned to control these thoughts for a while. However, over the last week or so, these same thoughts about body issues/some of the described incidents have begun reoccurring. I have tried the exercises you mentioned, they work to an extent and I will try to get better at it, reminding myself I can’t expect perfection at all times.

I have a few questions, that I was hoping you may be willing to answer. I think having a better understanding of a few things, can help me in the long run.

-Why do you feel the mind fixates on things? I have various other things I could be stressing over, could this be a defense mechanism? These thoughts often take my full attention, while at work or watching TV.

-I have had several intrusive thoughts, but the body issues always bother me the most. I often think “nobody else has to deal with these incidents, why me?” I haven’t been able to figure out why I think of this. Do you think talking to my family will help me out?

-Often I think of certain incidents on body issue (such as the one with my mother) as “changing the course of my entire life” given that I started to get quite angry about them in my teen years. Do you feel that the incident with my mother is a symbol of sorts? How does symbolism in the mind work (if there is such a thing)? Also, my mom often came to my defense with my sister (described previously), yet I still get the most upset about the incident with her, as compared to ones with my dad or sister.

-How common is it to have the types of experiences I described? Would they be classified as sexual abuse or assault at all, or just teasing?

-Will it be possible to forgive, forget and move on? Would reminding myself that my family had no negative intentions help to this end? As I mentioned previously, I often regret how much time I have fixated on this topic, only causing me to think about it all the more, which ends up being a never ending cycle.

Apologies if I wasn’t clear on something. I just had a lot that I think discussing with someone can help. Thank you again and I hope you’re doing well.

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• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Nick.

Hi Anita,

I hope you are well and that you enjoyed a beautiful summer.

A few months later these thoughts seem to have reappeared, and again, full of anger. I have been trying to practice what you mentioned about replacing these thoughts (i.e. acknowledging that they are there, but focusing on other thoughts). Interestingly, I feel that the incidents with my mom upset me the most, although perhaps all the incidents (including those from other family members) are just represented by that and that is how my mind codes for it. Regardless, do you have any more tips or thoughts for moving forward? I have also been doing what you mentioned, regarding appreciating my body more. I realize that my skin color, body hair, height each have their own function, and that I am able-bodied (while others are not). That said, I don’t think I’m 100% there yet.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Hi Anita,

Thank you for this thoughtful and honest analysis. I think you are spot on. I am not entirely sure of the steps I should take from here, though. Upon further reflection, the truth is, that my family did not have any intention to hurt me through all of this. They also stopped (except for maybe my sister) after I had clearly crossed the childhood stage into adolescence and puberty. I think what I find upsetting in trying to let this go, is the amount of time I have spent thinking about it over the years (thereby spending even more time thinking about it and continuing to feel regretful). There are times where I basically think “ugh just this one thing that keeps bothering me, no one else has to go through this, things would be just perfect in my life if it wasn’t for these incident(s).” On further analysis, I am actually pretty sure all of that is false…

I don’t think there are any questions I have about the teasing. I think it might have made me more uncomfortable because it was family teasing me, even though they probably didn’t mean anything by it. There were times I have been teased by others as well, like in the locker room in PE class. Being a person of color has also contributed to my body issues (to some extent). I remember being 7-8 old and thinking about how I could maybe make my skin lighter with some type of special cream; I would wear long sleeves even when it was hot out as an attempt to cover up my dark-skinned arms, because most of the kids in my class were fair-skinned caucasians or asians. I also developed body hair on my arms and legs much earlier than others, and remember being teased about this on the playground. I would again wear long sleeves/pants on hot days to cover this up. I’m not as tall as I would like to be, and I think this contributes negatively to my self image. I say this to give you an idea of what other influences (subconscious, or conscious) there may be on my body image.

My family has done some really amazing things for me over the years, so this may be why I am confused about the teasing because of the contrast between these two behaviors. I am not entirely certain that I will indeed discuss this with them, as I almost feel like that would make the same discomfort fresh again. What do you think?

One thought I did have was to bring it up casually. I have been considering for quite some time to join a gym, so perhaps I could begin by telling my parents about this, and explain why I want to (to get fit). I have tried to get started with gyms in the past, but it doesn’t tend to become a habit. I could ask for their support/encouragement in this process, and maybe talk about how/why I have had body issues in the past (explain the teasing, both from them, and otherwise).

Thank you again Anita. I will also say that just talking with you about this on this forum has helped clear my head a lot.

Enjoy your evening!

Nick

Thanks again, there is nothing else I can think of at this time.