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JuliaM

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #301127
    JuliaM
    Participant

    Peggy, Mark, and Brandy,

    I so deeply appreciate the advise and questions you each put to me here– thank you so very much for taking the time to respond. It makes me feel significantly less hurt and alone to 1) admit how I’m feeling and 2) receive advice and be reminded this is something other people have dealt with.

    Peggy– I think you are very correct that my friend does not need/seek the support now that was maybe useful some years ago. In fact, I wonder if a very close friendship with those kinds of deep emotional ties and exchange was starting to feel a little stifling for my friend.  While I thrive on close emotional exchange, I realize it is not a comfortable space for all people. I can see that perhaps she was ready to have an easier kind of lightness back in her life and doesn’t associate that with time spent with me (as I tend to dive into the deeper end of things, even when trying to be light and breezy).

    Mark– you are correct that “we are who we are” and that one needs to love oneself. I wish I was a more light hearted “fun” person, but I wouldn’t want to give up my soulfulness to get there or underrate the things I bring to relationships. I am sorry to know you’ve gone thru a similar thing, but  thank you for sharing and easing my sense of being childlish for feeling so hurt.

    I’ve thought a lot on your advice and am taking steps to find new spaces and put more time into myself rather than beat myself up over trying to understand and what-ifs. Thank you, Tiny Buddha folks, for helping me grow in this.

    #293239
    JuliaM
    Participant

    We only started the couples therapy about two months ago… but I get your point Mark .  I’ve encouraged him to seek his own therapy but he’s very resistant to the idea, said it would affect  his security clearance for work (now a reserves duty vet). I don’t know the policy issues on that, but it’s hard to see your partner not pursue therapy when it could be so helpful though I get people have different cultural and personal perceptions of mental health care. I’ve always found therapy incredibly helpful and constructive, but I realize people have to choose healing for themselves.

    #293231
    JuliaM
    Participant

    Thanks for your response, Mark. You frankly articulated my thoughts exactly, yes I was the one who requested couples’ therapy and yes I’m disappointed that while we talk a lot about things there hasn’t been much of any change in behavior over the year.

    In particular what you said here resonated with how I’m feeling :”I believe at a certain age is that “what you see is what you get” for partners.  I don’t make a long term committed relationship based on what *could* change in the other person.  I only am willing to do it with someone who is what they are right here, right now.”

    I want to believe him when he says it’s his living circumstances etc. that make him feel constrained in his current behavior, but I don’t think that’s true and I do believe what you see is what you get.  I guess I was hoping someone would push back on me here as I’m wondering if I’m being too pigheaded in my perspective, but I appreciate your frank feedback which articulates my core perspective and concerns about this relationship.

    Thank you again, Mark. I appreciate it.

    #157822
    JuliaM
    Participant

    Dear Anita and PearceHawk,

    Thank you both for taking the time to provide some very thoughtful and empathetic advice.  I appreciate what you each have suggested, even as I see that’s the hardest advice for me to take.  At core, you are both pointing to the same truth: I cannot “fix” this thing, it is not my issue to solve.  I feel I am being driven by an inner sense of “responsibility” to protect this person I love but really my responsibility to her is not about interfering with a messy situation but just being present with my friend as she decides how she wants and needs to move thru it.

    So thank you for giving kind hearted advice that’s going to be hard for me but also hits home and reminds me I cannot take other people’s lives on as my responsibility, even if I want to out of a feeling of love.

    Best,

    JM

    #120971
    JuliaM
    Participant

    Hi Bexx,
    Thank you so much for your post– I have reread it so many times over the past several days as I struggle thru my pain and try to understand why this has happened and how to not be broken down by it. It is a (sad) relief to know someone else has gone thru a similar situation, and I know you are right to point out that the wishing-wondering-hoping is a bottomless pit you can throw your energy into. I am sorry for what you went thru and I deeply appreciate you sharing your hard earned wisdom.

    I want to take my love and my grief and respect them and put my energy into myself… but how does one begin to do that? I have spent years thinking thru how my childhood affects who I am and the types of relationships I am drawn to. I have learned many things but I don’t see any more wounds in myself that I feel I’ve ignored. I really thought I’d come to a place of strong self-knowledge (my self-love and acceptance yes took a lot of years of therapy and effort and honesty and is a garden always needing weeding). I feel I was the strong happy person I’ve slowly grown into when I met this man. So now, having channeled that trust and affection and happiness into sharing and building a life with someone who seemed stable and on the same page I feel so shattered and confused at the rejection that I am having trouble picking up the pieces— of finding a “me” that I can put energy and love back into.

    Trying to avoid melodrama, but I guess it simply feels like I am uprooted from my own heart and only finding dark sadness, rejection, jealousy, grief there inside of me when usually I feel so much light inside myself and all around me.

    I want to keep my faith in positive community and the possibility of real communion with others who are ready and willing to connect, but I feel deeply shaken and scared that perhaps the odds are too slim of deep care ever being returned in balance in a romantic partnership.

    #120602
    JuliaM
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. Yes, maybe I use too many words above. My problem is I do believe he loves me – deeply so- and I can’t accept that he is telling himself and me that he does not. I want to tell him he is so wrong and to see what’s right in front of him, but I realize he has to see these things himself and it is not my place to tell him he is mistaken .

    I agree there must be some story in his life that makes this all makes sense. I did ask, and he shared that his parents divorced when he was 10, that his mother was over accommodating and overbearing while his father is a self focused man . I know his family is important to him, but I did see a red flag and the fact that he says he doesn’t have many memories at all of his childhood… Something I have encountered before and friends who’ve been through trauma . He never shared anything about a traumatic experience, and none of the stories of former relationships helped me understand where this emptiness comes from. But I thank you for your words, I wish he could overcome his numbness because the range of real emotions is so profoundly beautiful and I want those for him even if he ultimately isn’t sure he wants them with me .

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by JuliaM.
Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)