Peggy, Mark, and Brandy,

I so deeply appreciate the advise and questions you each put to me here– thank you so very much for taking the time to respond. It makes me feel significantly less hurt and alone to 1) admit how I’m feeling and 2) receive advice and be reminded this is something other people have dealt with.

Peggy– I think you are very correct that my friend does not need/seek the support now that was maybe useful some years ago. In fact, I wonder if a very close friendship with those kinds of deep emotional ties and exchange was starting to feel a little stifling for my friend.  While I thrive on close emotional exchange, I realize it is not a comfortable space for all people. I can see that perhaps she was ready to have an easier kind of lightness back in her life and doesn’t associate that with time spent with me (as I tend to dive into the deeper end of things, even when trying to be light and breezy).

Mark– you are correct that “we are who we are” and that one needs to love oneself. I wish I was a more light hearted “fun” person, but I wouldn’t want to give up my soulfulness to get there or underrate the things I bring to relationships. I am sorry to know you’ve gone thru a similar thing, but  thank you for sharing and easing my sense of being childlish for feeling so hurt.

I’ve thought a lot on your advice and am taking steps to find new spaces and put more time into myself rather than beat myself up over trying to understand and what-ifs. Thank you, Tiny Buddha folks, for helping me grow in this.

Thanks for your response, Mark. You frankly articulated my thoughts exactly, yes I was the one who requested couples’ therapy and yes I’m disappointed that while we talk a lot about things there hasn’t been much of any change in behavior over the year.

In particular what you said here resonated with how I’m feeling :”I believe at a certain age is that “what you see is what you get” for partners.  I don’t make a long term committed relationship based on what *could* change in the other person.  I only am willing to do it with someone who is what they are right here, right now.”

I want to believe him when he says it’s his living circumstances etc. that make him feel constrained in his current behavior, but I don’t think that’s true and I do believe what you see is what you get.  I guess I was hoping someone would push back on me here as I’m wondering if I’m being too pigheaded in my perspective, but I appreciate your frank feedback which articulates my core perspective and concerns about this relationship.

Thank you again, Mark. I appreciate it.

Hi Bexx,
Thank you so much for your post– I have reread it so many times over the past several days as I struggle thru my pain and try to understand why this has happened and how to not be broken down by it. It is a (sad) relief to know someone else has gone thru a similar situation, and I know you are right to point out that the wishing-wondering-hoping is a bottomless pit you can throw your energy into. I am sorry for what you went thru and I deeply appreciate you sharing your hard earned wisdom.

I want to take my love and my grief and respect them and put my energy into myself… but how does one begin to do that? I have spent years thinking thru how my childhood affects who I am and the types of relationships I am drawn to. I have learned many things but I don’t see any more wounds in myself that I feel I’ve ignored. I really thought I’d come to a place of strong self-knowledge (my self-love and acceptance yes took a lot of years of therapy and effort and honesty and is a garden always needing weeding). I feel I was the strong happy person I’ve slowly grown into when I met this man. So now, having channeled that trust and affection and happiness into sharing and building a life with someone who seemed stable and on the same page I feel so shattered and confused at the rejection that I am having trouble picking up the pieces— of finding a “me” that I can put energy and love back into.

Trying to avoid melodrama, but I guess it simply feels like I am uprooted from my own heart and only finding dark sadness, rejection, jealousy, grief there inside of me when usually I feel so much light inside myself and all around me.

I want to keep my faith in positive community and the possibility of real communion with others who are ready and willing to connect, but I feel deeply shaken and scared that perhaps the odds are too slim of deep care ever being returned in balance in a romantic partnership.