I’m sorry that you are so sad and in so much pain. I understand the feelings you have, because I’m in my own perfect storm too. It’s overwhelming. Do you have anyone who has been there for you in all of this except your loving husband? Perhaps you need to find that person. I’ve been reading too, and I’ve especially liked reading Brené Brown, who talks in great length about shame and guilt, and perceptions. If you haven’t read them, please do. One is “The Gifts of Imperfection” and the other is “Daring Greatly” My life blew up and I’m trying to make it back. There are days I cry everyday, and then there are days when I think there’s a tight enough band aid around my heart only to have it yanked off again.
There are days, I talk and cry to my dog, who loves me unconditionally and looks at me to say…let’s go outside and have a long long walk. Having a change of scenery and trying to focus on nature helps for a time. I have made a commitment to journaling, trying to find a daily affirmation…a small one, an achievable one that helps me find hope and to try again. Forgiving myself…well, that’s a work in progress. I volunteered to do some service work for a charity, and that seems to help the mantra of ” I am a good person, with a good heart with lots to offer others.” It is a great distraction to stop those inner voices that are so destructive.
The perfect storm seems like the tallest mountain, the highest building in the world. It’s one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Dig a bit deeper, you’re stronger than you think and only you can start building a fresh start. I’m trying too.