Forum Replies Created
August 16, 2016 at 12:35 pm #112502AyeshaParticipant
Hi Andy, I clicked on this thread because I am also upset about parting from a friend. In fact my story is very different from yours as my friend is the same age and gender as me, but having read your story I want to reply to you.
Firstly there could have been a number of reasons why the other man was invited on the night while you weren’t – he might be a boyfriend of one of the girls, or a brother, they might have run into him on the way to the bar, they might have met him by chance at the bar, he might only be in town for a few days and they could only see him if they invited him along, he might be gay and therefore considered one of the “girls”, perhaps they thought you would not be interested in this kind of night out as you are older and most of the customers of the bar are in their 20s or because going to bars isn’t really your kind of thing, there are many possibilities, alternatively, as a worst case scenario, your former friend may actually be interested in this man romantically. However the deeper issue going on here is why you were upset and what stories it is triggering you to tell about yourself. I have recently begun to study non-violent communication, which I find very helpful. In our NVC class we were told that when we feel upset it is a signal that we have a need that is not being met. Obviously people do not always get all their needs met and sometimes the best we can do is mourn the fact that we are not going to get what we want, but on other occasions once we identify the need that we have we can take steps to get it met in other ways. What underlying need do you have in this situation? What would make you feel complete? Did the friendship with this woman represent companionship to you, in which case you can try to find other people and groups to socialise with. Or did you have romantic feelings towards this woman, and were friends with her as a consolation or a way to be around her, in which case you could try to seek out other romantic partners. From reading your post I got the impression that you liked this woman because she accepted you so are you perhaps fearful that other people will not accept you? Not everyone will like everyone, and some people have lots of friends while others only have a few but everyone will find some people who will like and accept them. What stories are you telling yourself about yourself? This experience may be the trigger to investigate what you tell yourself and with some counselling or the help of some self-help forums you may find ways to change what you say to yourself. You said you are “physically ugly”. I accept that some people are presented to us in the media as being physically beautiful, but in my experience when I like someone I see them as beautiful and when I dislike someone I start to see the flaws in their appearance – their beauty or lack of is influenced by their personality. In the UK there was an inspirational TV show called “The Ugly Face of Prejudice” which featured people living positively with disfigurements. The people on the show would be considered “ugly” and some of them got abuse from the public, but they all had friends and people who loved them regardless of the way they looked. Not everybody is destined to have a romantic relationship but everyone can meet their deeper need for love and connection somehow.
Finally this experience could be an opportunity for you to look into the buddhist ideas of impermanence (everything changes, nothing exists without change) and attachment (you are wanting something, whether to spend more time with this woman or just to have been included in the evening out and other events, and this desire is causing you suffering). I am assuming that you have some interest in exploring buddhist ideas as you have come to this site, and looking into that further might help you.
I hope you come to some peace with this situation.