- This topic has 6 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
August 16, 2016 at 3:56 am #112469Howard SmithParticipant
Hi,first of all some background,I am male 52,my friend is female 25,we were just friends nothing else.She doesn’t want to be friends any more and we split via social media(even though we had both agreed that we would never do that and would talk through any issues),I adored her as a friend,it didn’t seem to matter to her that I am physically ugly and sometimes a bit depressed.However since the split I have lost my confidence and feel I can’t trust anyone again(she would say that we were close because we could trust each other 100%),I will sometimes see her at work but am dreading it.I possibly overreacted because she let me down at the last minute so she could have a meal with what I now see as her real friends and lied to me about having a “girly”night out for her birthday but then posted pictures of her and a male friend having drinks with her and her female friends.
Any suggestions about getting over this?,I miss her so much,I fully accept that we are never going to be friends again,just want some coping strategies to feel better and move on.August 16, 2016 at 4:25 am #112470InkyParticipant
Well, first off the vast age difference… Don’t get me wrong, I had two amazing friends who were a generation (and a half!) older than me. The difference though, is they would encourage me to go out and have a drink with my girlfriends. And ask what I was doing on my birthday and for me to tell them all about it when I got back. And they would probably set me up with that guy LOL!
They knew I was young.
Are you sure you’re not treating her as a peer with your own expectations?
Maybe make friends with older people. At twenty-five there is a huge pressure to have all the adult things while being forever young. It’s all too much.
InkyAugust 16, 2016 at 7:19 am #112476AnonymousGuest
Dear Andy Howard:
You asked for “some coping strategies to feel better and move on”-
When you see her at work, take deep breaths, focus on your breathing and maintain calm.
Attend therapy so to find some beauty in the ” physically ugly” image you have of yourself.
If you are not dating, following some therapy, start dating, maybe online dating. Obviously you need a loving relationship with a woman.
anitaAugust 16, 2016 at 7:40 am #112478SaharaParticipant
Try to enjoy friendships with out any expectations. That is how I enjoy my life. And try to build up friend ships in your age scale. 25 and 52 is quiet father daughter or father son type. Not every one enjoy that.August 16, 2016 at 12:33 pm #112501Nina SakuraParticipant
Well I think we all feel bad when a friendship ends suddenly. Please understand there is nothing wrong with you though. Looks only matter on some level. Its quality of charecter and interest that matters more to me. In her case, she is very young, she has other priorities, prefers her own age group and that’s fine. The problem is the age gap and situation. Its not you 🙂
There is nothing wrong with missing a friend though. The best way to move forward is to find a newer activity to keep you involved – read on a regular basis, go for walks, volunteer somewhere and help out. I know despite all of this, we all do want a kind of support and validatiob from others. you could go on 7cups.com and simply have a chat with someone. There are some good listeners there.
Sometimes we just a person to share stuff with, it’s normal actually. I have a feeling that online dating might not make you super comfortable but perhaps instead of a direct looking for love thing, it’s better you try something like looking for people with common interests or friendship.
And apologies for typos and repeats, wrote this on phone.
I hope you feel better soon Andy, everything will be fine. Don’t beat yourself up too much.
August 16, 2016 at 12:35 pm #112502AyeshaParticipant
- This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Nina Sakura.
Hi Andy, I clicked on this thread because I am also upset about parting from a friend. In fact my story is very different from yours as my friend is the same age and gender as me, but having read your story I want to reply to you.
Firstly there could have been a number of reasons why the other man was invited on the night while you weren’t – he might be a boyfriend of one of the girls, or a brother, they might have run into him on the way to the bar, they might have met him by chance at the bar, he might only be in town for a few days and they could only see him if they invited him along, he might be gay and therefore considered one of the “girls”, perhaps they thought you would not be interested in this kind of night out as you are older and most of the customers of the bar are in their 20s or because going to bars isn’t really your kind of thing, there are many possibilities, alternatively, as a worst case scenario, your former friend may actually be interested in this man romantically. However the deeper issue going on here is why you were upset and what stories it is triggering you to tell about yourself. I have recently begun to study non-violent communication, which I find very helpful. In our NVC class we were told that when we feel upset it is a signal that we have a need that is not being met. Obviously people do not always get all their needs met and sometimes the best we can do is mourn the fact that we are not going to get what we want, but on other occasions once we identify the need that we have we can take steps to get it met in other ways. What underlying need do you have in this situation? What would make you feel complete? Did the friendship with this woman represent companionship to you, in which case you can try to find other people and groups to socialise with. Or did you have romantic feelings towards this woman, and were friends with her as a consolation or a way to be around her, in which case you could try to seek out other romantic partners. From reading your post I got the impression that you liked this woman because she accepted you so are you perhaps fearful that other people will not accept you? Not everyone will like everyone, and some people have lots of friends while others only have a few but everyone will find some people who will like and accept them. What stories are you telling yourself about yourself? This experience may be the trigger to investigate what you tell yourself and with some counselling or the help of some self-help forums you may find ways to change what you say to yourself. You said you are “physically ugly”. I accept that some people are presented to us in the media as being physically beautiful, but in my experience when I like someone I see them as beautiful and when I dislike someone I start to see the flaws in their appearance – their beauty or lack of is influenced by their personality. In the UK there was an inspirational TV show called “The Ugly Face of Prejudice” which featured people living positively with disfigurements. The people on the show would be considered “ugly” and some of them got abuse from the public, but they all had friends and people who loved them regardless of the way they looked. Not everybody is destined to have a romantic relationship but everyone can meet their deeper need for love and connection somehow.
Finally this experience could be an opportunity for you to look into the buddhist ideas of impermanence (everything changes, nothing exists without change) and attachment (you are wanting something, whether to spend more time with this woman or just to have been included in the evening out and other events, and this desire is causing you suffering). I am assuming that you have some interest in exploring buddhist ideas as you have come to this site, and looking into that further might help you.
I hope you come to some peace with this situation.August 19, 2016 at 3:52 am #112827AnonymousInactive
In my opinion there is no such a thing like AGE DIFFERENCE! Age has nothing to do with connecting people, many people in young age are more mature than some of the ‘seniors’ I’ve meet. Age is the limit that we humans using as an excuse to explain certain phases in our life when something not working out as we wished to.
Age , religion , nationality ,social status has nothing to do when two people meet. When they meet and they connect it’s something I personally call MAGIC!
Wish you best for your future and many more @best friends@ to come Xxx