@helcat,

you’ve made a great point. i definitely think you’re right in your analysis and i agree that my parents made a human mistake. i am indeed the first child and my relationship with my mother is very good. i think my parents just didn’t know how to cope with my adolescence so they did the best they could. it’s been helpful to look at this situation through that perspective and i see the similarities.

it’s certainly helpful to remember that i’ve been here before and moved on and that i will do so again.

i feel like the only thing that’s sort of holding me back now is this strange fear that my partner will somehow find out down the line and that’s very scary to me. i haven’t told anyone in my personal life and only my ex knows what went on. he also isn’t the type to say anything. in fact, he made a point to say our conversation had not been “malicious” in any way after the fact. this leads me to believe he wouldn’t say anything to my partner.

i feel so much better now and the guilt is disappearing and i’m moving on, but i’m still scared of this scenario. what do you think?

@helcat,

thank you so much for writing back. i’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time in your own life. i’m here to lend an ear if you ever want to talk.

these past few days have been really good for me. i’m eating and sleeping normally and spending time with my boyfriend feels great. it’s comforting to me too to know this will pass with time.

the first time i ever experienced rumination and punishment with my mistakes was when i was in high school. i was dating a boy my parents disapproved and our relationship became strained as a result. i felt i couldn’t be truly happy so i began ruminating on what i felt must’ve been a “mistake.” i eventually broke up with him to please them. a few years later, we got back together though and then broke up naturally.

in the mornings and evenings now, i try to watch some tv for myself and clear my head. i try to stay off the internet and just get lost in whatever i’m doing.

thank you so much for all your kind words and thoughts. i reread them when i start feeling bad sometimes and they really help. i wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon 🙏🏻

@anita,

thank you for your response! we’ve been together for 3.5 years so please forgive my white lie. my boyfriend is no longer in any legal trouble (it wasn’t serious, just a teenage mistake).

our relationship is great. he’s very respectful, kind, and loving. i never feel like anything is missing with us. we bicker normally but we never have any “big” fights, we try to talk everything out. i’m insanely happy with him and i think he’s the man i want to marry.

@anita,

he lied to me about something. i didn’t know where he was and it turned out he had gotten into a lot of legal trouble. it was the start of our relationship…i was very hurt he would lie. but then i decided i wanted to be with him and he promised to never lie to me again.

do you think it’s possible to love someone so much and still be capable of hurting them?

and do you think that it’s okay for you to relieve yourself of that hurt at some point without saying anything?

helcat,

thank you so much for your advice. i’m a work in progress and trying my best to move past the incident. i had been living in that state of heightened stress for days and it was definitely not healthy.

i’m learning how to forgive myself. this experience has taught me to be a more forgiving and understanding person, especially to those around me. i’m not perfect and i need to realize i will fall short of my expectations sometimes.

you’re right when you say there will be ups and downs. today, i feel is an up day. but there’s still some down moments. i guess only time will help heal and work through this.

it’s been helpful to remind myself that i’m not a terrible person because i did one terrible thing. i love my partner and i’m going to actively work towards that priority.

thank you and anita for all your help…the journey of self forgiveness is not easy.

anita,

this would make sense. i’m going to look into the core beliefs and see how i can deal with mine.

maybe i also do suffer from obsessive thinking. i tend to be a perfectionist and am a bit failure averse.

so you think i shouldn’t feel like i’m “letting myself off the hook” when i stop having the guilty thoughts? it just means i’m letting go?

hello everyone,

i am feeling much better this afternoon after internalizing everyone’s advice. in fact, i think i’m getting past the situation slowly.

at times today the guilt has left me, it returns but i’ve never felt it left for a while before. sometimes when it was gone, i felt happy and carefree. when i thought about the ache, i didn’t feel the shame or guilt. instead, i felt neutral and passive.

but then i felt bad because i felt like i was letting myself off the hook