August 10, 2022 at 6:12 pm #405356
I am not saying that your parents were cruel. From the little you shared, they sound like much better parents than I had. What I am saying is that it is very, very difficult to raise children without making some significant mistakes as parents. All it takes is a mother to be very judgmental, not of her own daughter, but of other people (neighbors, family members, even TV actors), to cause the daughter to fear making mistakes and to over-react when making mistakes.
“she’s very moral too and I’ve always admired this about her… I disappointed my partner and violated my own moral code“- you violated your moral code but you didn’t change into an immoral person. There is a difference between making a mistake and being a mistake (or becoming a mistake). Making a mistake does not make you a mistake: every moral person (even your mother) makes mistakes, and sometimes, significant mistakes. Please accept your humanity: accept the fact that you made a mistake and that you will make more mistakes in the future (not this particular one, I suppose).
Even the bible who many look up to as the source of morality, says that everyone, every single person, makes mistakes: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
anitaAugust 10, 2022 at 6:22 pm #405357
thank you so much for this, i think you’re right. it’s very hard for me not to feel like i am the mistake. do you think my ache is forgivable?
and do you think i’ll be able to move forward even if i don’t tell? is not telling what you still advise? i feel so guilty but i also know telling will only hurt my partner, especially if it was a one-time thing.August 10, 2022 at 6:52 pm #405359
You are very welcome. Yes, I think that your ache is forgivable. And yes, I think that you should not tell your partner and that you should move forward.
Since I mentioned the bible in my previous post, here is a scripture from James 5:16: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed“- you don’t need to confess the ache to your partner because it will hurt him and nothing good will come out of it. But you need to confess it to someone so to heal. It so happens that you confessed it to me, and… I forgive you. Next time I make a mistake, I am okay with confessing it to you and asking for your forgiveness. Is it okay with you?
anitaAugust 10, 2022 at 8:08 pm #405360
thank you so much, this has made me feel so much better. and yes please, next time you dele you did something wrong, i would love to forgive you.
although i’m trying to accept that i’m only juman and i made a mistake, i struggle with residual guilt whenever i see or am with my partner. how can i overcome this? do you think guilt fades with time? i’m not sure how to wake up and feel normal again as it looms over me like a dark cloud every day. i’m also so paranoid my partner will find out some way even though it’s very unlikely.August 10, 2022 at 8:13 pm #405361
If you feel so much better, how do you know that next time you see or be with your partner, that you will feel just as badly as before? How do you know that you will not feel better?
anitaAugust 10, 2022 at 8:53 pm #405362
i see my partner almost everyday and haven’t felt better. every day it gets a little better or at least that’s what i hope. but i always feel this deep gnawing pain in my stomach. even when i’m happy, i’m always reminded.
i would just like to let go of this guilt, shame, and regret. it feels like my brain is trying so hard to get past this but my body just won’t listen. i feel anxious all the time.
i hope your words of forgiveness will sink in for me soon. the Bible verses have also helped me.. i’ve asked God for forgiveness so many times too.
i hope time makes me feel better but i’m not sure.August 10, 2022 at 9:51 pm #405364
I too hope that you will feel better, and soon. When you feel guilt and shame about the ache, try to not fight the feeling. Don’t try to get rid of the feeling. The more you fight a feeling, and the more you try to get rid of it- the more it stays. Try to relax (when you feel shame and guilt) and talk sense to yourself. Maybe your logic will sink into the feelings. If you continue to obsess about the ache, consider psychotherapy.
anitaAugust 11, 2022 at 1:09 am #405367HelcatParticipant
Sometimes feelings of guilt and shame are used as punishments. It seems to me that you are punishing yourself right now, for your mistake.
But do you deserve punishment? It is helpful? Are there any alternatives? What is there to learn from the experience?
It seems to me, the only lesson you can take away from this is understanding that drinking can lead to uncharacteristic behaviour for you.
I also experience uncharacteristic behaviour when drinking too much. My personal limit is 3 drinks. I know that I can control my behaviour within this range.
It might be helpful for you to plan as Anita suggested how to avoid similar situations in the future. Perhaps avoid drinking around men that aren’t your partner? Or do not attend events which involve drinking without your partner present? Or set your own rule about alcohol?
My point is, other than learning from the situation, is there anything helpful to gain? It seems to me that self-punishment is only harmful. Once you have finished planning, there will be nothing left to gain from ruminating on this situation.
Perhaps you feel it is just since your partner is not able to react to the situation himself? But would he even want this? I think that your partner cares about you and would not want you to suffer.
Personally, I think that most partners would be able to forgive this situation. You have been very focused on what was said. But in the bigger picture, not focusing on the details. You simply flirted with an ex while drunk. Things didn’t progress any further than that. Whilst unpleasant, it is entirely forgivable. It is not even a large mistake, just a small one.
Do you feel that your reaction is proportional to the situation? Are you beating yourself up for what could have happened, if you didn’t stop yourself?August 11, 2022 at 6:00 am #405371
i’m going to try this approach. whenever i start ruminating on the ache, i will simply let myself feel the feeling and then i’ll fill my brain with logic and sense.
i wish i could just fast forward in time to a point where i no longer feel so bad. logically, i feel i’ve made the changes necessary to better myself from this experience and like the guilt no longer serves its purpose. thank you for forgiving me, i’m going to work on trying to forgive myself now…August 11, 2022 at 6:10 am #405372
first of all, thank you so much for responding again. your advice is resonating with me.
i don’t think i’m punishing myself for what i would’ve done if i didn’t stop myself because i i would’ve never taken it too far to the point of physical cheating even if drunk.
i guess i’m punishing myself because i feel i disappointed my partner and myself. and he has no idea about it so when he treats me as great as always, i feel so guilty. in a way, i feel my response isn’t proportional to what happened. it could’ve been so much worse. but i still regret everything that happened.
my partner and i also tell each other almost everything important. so i feel like i’m defrauding our relationship in a way and that brings me shame. but truly i know that telling him wouldn’t be the answer, he would be incredibly hurt and over something that meant nothing.
i need to find a way to forgive myself. i just hope that these feelings of guilt and shame fade with time…August 11, 2022 at 6:25 am #405373
i feel i’m also struggling with the fact that i did this in the first place. i did something that completely contradicted everything i’ve ever thought about myself. it’s a terrible feeling.
my relationship was so perfect before this, i literally felt on top of the world with my partner. now i feel like i’ve hurt them in an irreparable way. and with my ex, to add insult to injury. the only good thing that has come out of this is that now i feel like i love and value my partner even more because i feel recommitted to strengthening us.August 11, 2022 at 8:43 am #405374HelcatParticipant
Perhaps there is another way to look at this?
I wonder, the emotions are not proportional to the situation. But are they proportional to how much you love and care for your partner?
You are hurt by this mistake because of your morals, because of your love. If you were a bad person who didn’t love their partner, you wouldn’t care.
So perhaps these feelings although uncomfortable, are a good thing? Try relaxing, allowing them to be and understand that they are borne of your love.August 11, 2022 at 10:15 am #405378
i think they are proportional to my love and care for my partner. i also think, like you said before, that i feel like punishing myself is just since my partner can’t react on his own. i feel like i’m taking the metaphorical beating on my own, in a way.
i used to thinks this type is situation was black and white and you were either good for doing it one way and bad for doing it the other. now i’m forced to realize that it isn’t that simple.
do you think one day i can go back to how i used to be? before these feelings?August 11, 2022 at 2:22 pm #405385
i am feeling much better this afternoon after internalizing everyone’s advice. in fact, i think i’m getting past the situation slowly.
at times today the guilt has left me, it returns but i’ve never felt it left for a while before. sometimes when it was gone, i felt happy and carefree. when i thought about the ache, i didn’t feel the shame or guilt. instead, i felt neutral and passive.
but then i felt bad because i felt like i was letting myself off the hookAugust 11, 2022 at 2:22 pm #405386
what do you think that means?