Forum Replies Created
August 19, 2022 at 12:44 pm #405977
you’ve made a great point. i definitely think you’re right in your analysis and i agree that my parents made a human mistake. i am indeed the first child and my relationship with my mother is very good. i think my parents just didn’t know how to cope with my adolescence so they did the best they could. it’s been helpful to look at this situation through that perspective and i see the similarities.
it’s certainly helpful to remember that i’ve been here before and moved on and that i will do so again.
i feel like the only thing that’s sort of holding me back now is this strange fear that my partner will somehow find out down the line and that’s very scary to me. i haven’t told anyone in my personal life and only my ex knows what went on. he also isn’t the type to say anything. in fact, he made a point to say our conversation had not been “malicious” in any way after the fact. this leads me to believe he wouldn’t say anything to my partner.
i feel so much better now and the guilt is disappearing and i’m moving on, but i’m still scared of this scenario. what do you think?August 19, 2022 at 9:49 am #405963
thank you! it’s been a pleasure to speak with you too. i’m sorry for the hardships you’re enduring and i hope next week is a much better one for you!
yes, that situation was the first time my relationship was ever strained with my parents. it was very painful for me because it hurt me to disappoint them in any way. it took a while for our relationship to go back to normal and when i did decide to date him later on, it was strained for some time until they eventually caved.
thank you for all your help, truly. i can’t wait to wake up one day and be free of this feeling forever. i hope it doesn’t take much longer! 🙏🏻August 18, 2022 at 6:56 pm #405909
thank you so much for writing back. i’m sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time in your own life. i’m here to lend an ear if you ever want to talk.
these past few days have been really good for me. i’m eating and sleeping normally and spending time with my boyfriend feels great. it’s comforting to me too to know this will pass with time.
the first time i ever experienced rumination and punishment with my mistakes was when i was in high school. i was dating a boy my parents disapproved and our relationship became strained as a result. i felt i couldn’t be truly happy so i began ruminating on what i felt must’ve been a “mistake.” i eventually broke up with him to please them. a few years later, we got back together though and then broke up naturally.
in the mornings and evenings now, i try to watch some tv for myself and clear my head. i try to stay off the internet and just get lost in whatever i’m doing.
thank you so much for all your kind words and thoughts. i reread them when i start feeling bad sometimes and they really help. i wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon 🙏🏻August 16, 2022 at 1:47 pm #405557
thank you so much, anita. i think you’re right. it is an incredible feeling – one i hope to never take for granted again.
i wanted to give you a special thank you. when i was first faced with this difficult situation, i looked to this community for guidance and found your name everywhere. thank you for all that you do here, your love and dedication are seen and appreciated. ❤️August 16, 2022 at 12:56 pm #405555
thank you for your response! we’ve been together for 3.5 years so please forgive my white lie. my boyfriend is no longer in any legal trouble (it wasn’t serious, just a teenage mistake).
our relationship is great. he’s very respectful, kind, and loving. i never feel like anything is missing with us. we bicker normally but we never have any “big” fights, we try to talk everything out. i’m insanely happy with him and i think he’s the man i want to marry.August 16, 2022 at 12:51 pm #405554
thank you so much for your insight. once again, i feel reassured because i think you’re entirely correct. today has been a better day.
i have experienced rumination before and in similar situations. whenever i feel i’ve made a deep error/mistake, i tend to ruminate on it until i feel myself detach from the situation over time. because i feel at fault, i punish myself by replaying the situation in my head.
i mainly feel the worst in the mornings, especially when i’m alone. being with my partner makes me feel better lately. in the mornings, i feel a small guilty pain but as the day goes on, it tends to fade. i think it gets better every day. sometimes in the evenings, it’ll come back for a bit and then disappear but not often.
some stressors or triggers that remind me of that day also bring the thoughts back but i’ve been working on breaking the link between objects and my thoughts.
i like to relax by spending time with my partner, by reading, and by watching tv. i want to learn how to meditate so i can also put some emotional distance between myself and my rumination.
i especially agree with your last point. i inherently believe that not being fully honest is a bad thing and that’s why this is hurting me. it’s very painful to change these beliefs about ourselves so it’s hard for me to tell myself otherwise. but i need to remind myself that i’m not a bad person because i made a mistake or because i choose to move past it. this challenge is hard but i think it will pass over time.
i really appreciate your insight. it does wonders for my anxiety and re-grounds me. thank you again!August 15, 2022 at 4:07 pm #405463
he lied to me about something. i didn’t know where he was and it turned out he had gotten into a lot of legal trouble. it was the start of our relationship…i was very hurt he would lie. but then i decided i wanted to be with him and he promised to never lie to me again.August 15, 2022 at 2:46 pm #405461
thank you for replying. yes, my partner hurt me emotionally once very much but it didn’t have anything to do with infidelity. he made a mistake that he has long grown from. i forgave him when i knew he messed up.August 15, 2022 at 11:48 am #405445
do you think it’s possible to love someone so much and still be capable of hurting them?
and do you think that it’s okay for you to relieve yourself of that hurt at some point without saying anything?August 15, 2022 at 9:37 am #405441
i hope you’re both doing well. helcat, you’ve helped me tremendously these past few days. this weekend was overall good but now today feels bad again.
i’m trying to discovery why. why can’t i simply just let go and move on? sometimes i think why is my ache forgivable and when it wouldn’t be. for example, people who hurt their partners with emotional cheating. why am i no better? i betrayed my partner’s trust, don’t i deserve the same kind of punishment these people receive?
sometimes i think i should tell my partner. but then i feel even worse because i don’t think my brain would let me rest until i told him absolutely everything (which is so dumb, why would i say things that would hurt him unnecessary?)
so then i think i shouldn’t tell him, since it didn’t mean anything and i literally regret it with every ounce of my being. i’m stuck in a loop i don’t know how to move past.
i keep feeling like a terrible human being for keeping things from my partner. we tell each other everything.
i don’t know what to do, i feel so lost and confused…August 13, 2022 at 8:02 am #405411
thank you so much for your advice. i’m a work in progress and trying my best to move past the incident. i had been living in that state of heightened stress for days and it was definitely not healthy.
i’m learning how to forgive myself. this experience has taught me to be a more forgiving and understanding person, especially to those around me. i’m not perfect and i need to realize i will fall short of my expectations sometimes.
you’re right when you say there will be ups and downs. today, i feel is an up day. but there’s still some down moments. i guess only time will help heal and work through this.
it’s been helpful to remind myself that i’m not a terrible person because i did one terrible thing. i love my partner and i’m going to actively work towards that priority.
thank you and anita for all your help…the journey of self forgiveness is not easy.August 11, 2022 at 5:33 pm #405389
sometimes when i think about the ache, i feel guilty but when i try to make peace with it, i end up feeling like i’m ok that it happened. it’s like i can’t feel both without feeling bad. on one hand, i feel guilty if i feel ok with it happening and on the other, i feel terrible for wallowing in feeling guilty permanently…August 11, 2022 at 5:30 pm #405388
this would make sense. i’m going to look into the core beliefs and see how i can deal with mine.
maybe i also do suffer from obsessive thinking. i tend to be a perfectionist and am a bit failure averse.
so you think i shouldn’t feel like i’m “letting myself off the hook” when i stop having the guilty thoughts? it just means i’m letting go?August 11, 2022 at 2:22 pm #405386
what do you think that means?August 11, 2022 at 2:22 pm #405385
i am feeling much better this afternoon after internalizing everyone’s advice. in fact, i think i’m getting past the situation slowly.
at times today the guilt has left me, it returns but i’ve never felt it left for a while before. sometimes when it was gone, i felt happy and carefree. when i thought about the ache, i didn’t feel the shame or guilt. instead, i felt neutral and passive.
but then i felt bad because i felt like i was letting myself off the hook