Dear anita,

Thank you, you are very kind.

About her tendency to go quiet : Well, I have noticed this tendency of hers in person too, though not always. I’ve asked her about it and she said that she used to say things when she was bothered that had hurt people and that she later regretted. So she figured this was a way to not cause unnecessary pain by saying things in the heat of the moment. I view this tendency as a good thing in general, and I do that too. But, given the LDR situation we found ourselves in, it becomes important to not prolong these quiet periods and communicate, since not doing so causes unnecessary pain too, defeating the purpose of being quiet.

In Jan 2019, when I told her that she was my favorite person over a text, she said ‘thank you’ and that ‘this would be high on the list of her personal accomplishments’. I figured that was a no from her. But in hindsight, the mistake I made was not asking her explicitly what she meant by that and then not taking it further if my interpretation had been right.

I am only guessing as to what her motive might have been when she asked me to move to the mountains. Since she had already told me she felt we didn’t spend enough time together (as a couple) for her to be sure, I think I should have gone the next step and asked her what she thought would have happened had I done so. I think that was a mistake on my part.

I don’t want to portray her as a person who simply led me on and wasn’t forthright. I don’t believe that at all. She is, as I said earlier – kind, hard working, resourceful, lives sustainably and very beautiful. I think the truth may lie closer to what you said in an other thread about a LDR :

I think that for most people, a long distance relationship is a lost cause because people .. need people in their presence, not far, far away. Reads like she enjoyed your company very much when you were in her physical presence, but away from you.. maybe she missed you but was tired of missing you, so she got involved in her daily life and let go of wanting you

You treated her very well, but not enough to make up for the long distance, I am guessing

I feel bad that we could not meet and try to find a way together. It’ll be really sad if we realize later that we gave up something special due to something beyond our control like the corona virus lockdown.

Again, I really appreciate your replies to mine, and to many other threads on this forum. You are doing a lot of good. Do keep up your great work.

-jy

Dear anita,

Thank your for your response. You’ve got most of the story right. However, a couple of points :

– Throughout the 2 years that we knew each other at office, we used to meet often, have lunch together, go for events and walks etc, and I think we got to know each other quite well. I hinted that I was interested in her last Jan, and from what I can tell, she sensed it too, but I didn’t come out and tell her openly. One of the reasons I didn’t tell her was that I figured her going away was a way for me to see if this was something real for me. That’s the reason I waited till I met her in August last year to let her know how I felt. So, our closeness was not only though calls, texts and letters – that happened when she went away – but we spent a lot of time together at office, and on weekends, with the time together increasing in the few months before she left. However, as you rightly pointed out, I don’t think both of us were in the boyfriend-girlfriend mindset when spending time (although I was in the last few months leading upto her leaving the job).

– The idea of looking at moving to the country side in a few year’s time was something we discussed a few months back during one of those phases where she was unhappy with the distance. Over the next few days, she had agreed that this is something she was willing to do. However, things changed in the past few weeks when she again went through one of her quiet periods, which led to this situation.

As an update, in our call yesterday, she felt that we haven’t spent enough time with each other for her to be sure. After reading your response, I am interpreting this as – she felt we haven’t spent enough time with each her – acting and spending time together as a couple – for her to be sure.

Is there anything I can do now? or is she gone for good?

I am glad that you’ve got the gist of the story. I appreciate your help.

-jy