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Katie

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 134 total)
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  • in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #336686
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    1. My therapist and I worked to change my thought patterns. I started trying to listen to my gut rather than other people. For example, if my cousin were to say, “Katie, your nose is big and you need a nose job,” instead of freaking out and thinking I need one, I would attempt to listen to my gut. Since I never thought my nose was big before, there is no reason for me to think my nose is big because my cousin said so. Another example is if my friends were to say, “Katie, you should break up with your boyfriend. He’s not good enough,” I would listen to my gut and only break up with him if I wanted to. I used to listen to other people’s opinions over mine, so I started to change that. I also started to distance myself from things that caused me unnecessary anxiety or would trigger me into bad thinking patterns. This all started to happen around October.

    2. I don’t know if I had an eating disorder, but I definitely would diet and somewhat starve myself. I would always be thinking about how I could lose weight. I think I officially dropped that whole mentality in September through November. If my friend were to bring up dieting, I wouldn’t continue the conversation to avoid bad thought patterns. I also started to work on my anxiety. I still believe I have anxiety and I know if I weren’t actively fighting to keep a healthy mindset about my body, I probably would fall back into my eating disorder mindset. So those things may not be solved, but I figured out how to better deal with them.

    3. I think we texted every day until late September. At the beginning of my college semester that started in August, I was extremely busy. I remember my best friend would call me, but I wouldn’t be able to answer because I was either in class, at the gym, doing homework, just studying, at a club meeting, etc. I think our texts began to slow around then. I was upset about it then, but I just told myself that I need to get settled into my routine before I have time for phone calls from friends and a social life. Then my friend went on a retreat for fall break at the beginning of October and she didn’t have her phone for a week. After the retreat, our texts slowed even more. However, I became even BUSIER so I didn’t have time to fix it. I visited her at the end of October (she goes to college too so I visited her college) and everything was normal but I felt that she was acting a little distant. I assumed it may have been because she was starting to become closer to her college friends and I am different from her college friends. After that, we probably texted every 2 weeks. Then the texts completely stopped when we had plans to hang out twice and she canceled both times. Our last texts were:

    Her: “hey sorry I can’t hangout! Something came up. How about we visit each other soon!”

    Me: “Yess definitely!”

    Well, actually, they aren’t the official last texts we sent. My boyfriend forced me to text her “Hey what’s up” but I kinda regret it because I don’t know how to continue a conversation with her anymore 🙁

    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #336648
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Okay, I will definitely do that. It seems like a lot of fun and something that would help me a lot.

    I have been thinking about my friends and I decided that I DO want to make new friends, but I want to keep my old friends close. I think I was exaggerating when I said, “I feel like I need to be someone I’m not for my friends to care. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I were different. If I was confident, wore cute clothes, didn’t study for school, was single, was always hooking up with guys, had tons of friends at school, was partying, was drinking, was smoking, was tan and wore makeup, etc, then they would love me. ”

    I think I get a lot of anxiety over situations so I think the worst things. Part of me feels that it is my fault and I should just talk to my friends because I have avoided talking to them out of fear. I fear that I did something wrong to hate me. But really, I don’t think my friends would care about me more or less if I were different. I think that me changing for the better has made me a different person all around, and it is a little difficult navigating the world with these different views.

    I just get a lot of anxiety and depression over my old friends. I was really upset this morning and I scrolled back to my best friend and my’s texts from a year ago. I noticed that we talked every day and we sent hundreds of texts to each other every day. She was my best friend for 4 years. I miss her so much. Now, we haven’t texted in a month. I’ve been so afraid to confront her because neither of us is one to express our emotions in that way. We don’t express it for some reason. We used to bond over over things, but icky emotions like how we are growing apart and miss each other.

    A lot of our experiences were the same. We bonded over normal, healthy things such as school, clubs, and the gym. We also bonded over things we were dealing with mentally. I used to think that because I solved all my big mental issues, that means we had nothing to talk about. But that’s not true, we do and always did. I just can’t find it in me to talk about normal things because I’m so busy trying to deal with anxiety, the sadness of hating my college environment, and body dysmorphia.

    I think when my body dysmorphia became a real serious issue, I started to hide it from her. I would only talk about it with my boyfriend, therapist, and now you.

    Sorry if this message is all over the place, but basically I’m trying to say I want my old friends back and I think my anxiety has kept me from reaching out. I keep telling myself I’m too boring for them, I’m too weird, I don’t deserve their friendship, they must see me as the weirdo I am, etc.

    Last week, my boyfriend forced me to talk to them. I am in a big group message with them on text, but I don’t talk in it. My boyfriend forced me to talk in the group message because he knew how sad I was. I started a short conversation, and I felt so much happier. I felt like myself again because I was talking to my friends again.

    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #336336
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    That’s actually really funny that you suggest I take an acting class because I’ve taken a couple of acting classes here and there in my life. Did you suggest that because I mentioned it before in some thread or did you just come up with it? Because I was thinking of joining one anyway! I really like acting and even though it is difficult because of my shyness, I find it really fun.

    The only thing I’m afraid of is awkwardness, not meeting anyone, etc. Every time I try something new, I feel that I am so quiet that I don’t make any friends. What happens if it doesn’t work and I don’t find anyone?

    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #336222
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    How do I know who I am compatible with? What if I don’t ever find people I fit in with. I mean what signs do I even look for? I don’t even know who I get along well with.

    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #336138
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Okay, thank you. I will do that.

    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #336130
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Also, something has been causing me to be really upset. The situation is really confusing for me. So, all throughout high school, I had my group of friends. I was really close to them. However, when we entered college we all remained close. Some of us were closer than others, for example, I was really close with a couple of girls while I wasn’t so close with others.

    I feel that recently, because of my mental problems, I’m not as close with them even though they were my best friends. Yes, I understand people drift apart when they enter college, but they’re all still close (I’m in a group message with them through text, they talk 24/7 ). I have just distanced myself (not on purpose) because, with my body dysmorphia, I have naturally isolated myself. I also would get really anxious in social situations so even though these were my best friends, my anxiety is through the roof and I can’t feel comfortable talking to them.

    However, I noticed that they don’t seem to care. My best friend (let’s call her Emily) has texted me once saying “hey what’s up you haven’t texted much” but that was about a month ago and since then she hasn’t texted me at all.

    I went home one weekend and my other friend (who I wasn’t as close to) was also home. I texted her saying, “hey are you home too?” And she said, “yeah but I’m busy.” Coincidentally, my cousin was in town visiting me. When that friend found out my cousin was there, she texted her saying, “ugh I’m so mad I didn’t know you were here! I’m going back to school now :(”

    That made me upset because she only knows my cousin through me. Also, she clearly didn’t care that I was home?

    I feel that everyone thinks I’m boring now. I don’t say much when I talk to my friends anymore because the only “major” event happening is that I am trying to recover from my anxiety disorders. I used to have tons to talk about (boys, school, friends, hobbies) but now I have none of that. Schools boring, I am in a committed relationship with no drama so nothing to talk about there except “yeah, he treats me really good,” no friends at college except for people I don’t like, and I have hobbies but ones that none of them care about. I also don’t do much because my friends’ daily activities include: drink, smoke, hook up with guys, have fights with their friends, etc. I avoid doing all of those things because they trigger my anxiety. When I drink, I get anxiety about how it’s going to affect my health (it also used to cause me anxiety because I would get so hungry and eat everything when drunk because the alcohol would hurt my stomach, and then I would feel so fat and gross. I think I’m over that though). I don’t smoke for the same reason (because of my BDD, I’m very serious about my skin and smoking + drinking causes premature wrinkles). I don’t hook up with guys because I’m loyal to my boyfriend, I also don’t have fights with the people I’m close to because I don’t care for drama.

    I am using my cousin as an example of someone that my friends want to be friends with. She is outgoing, she talks a lot, and she drinks and parties. I used to be the same way, but because of how I am now, I’m not. And clearly my friends don’t seem to be very affected by my lack of presence. I’m just really upset. I don’t know… is it my fault? Their fault? All I know is it hurts to know that my friends don’t really seem to care for me. That’s why it’s so hard for me to end contact with my cousin. She and my boyfriend are the only people who really seem to “care.” Even though my cousin is toxic, she still seems to care. Although I feel like it’s hard for me to tell when people don’t truly care about me. I try to talk about this with my cousin and boyfriend, but they always just say I need to put the effort in. The problem is, I don’t feel comfortable putting effort in. Also, I try talking about this with my therapist but I’m just so confused about this situation that I don’t know how to express it properly.

    I’m very confused about why I feel so hurt by this situation.

     

    I feel like I need to be someone I’m not for my friends to care. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I were different. If I was confident, wore cute clothes, didn’t study for school, was single, was always hooking up with guys, had tons of friends at school, was partying, was drinking, was smoking, was tan and wore makeup, etc, then they would love me. But I’m not like that anymore. And I shouldn’t have to change to make them interested in me, right? But I keep getting the same advice to just put effort in. How do I put effort in?! I want to be myself.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by Katie.
    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #336126
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    She was ranting about the moms at the school. She said one of them invited every boy in the class to the son’s birthday party except for my brother. She was talking about how my brother was really upset because at the end of the school day the teacher said, “everyone going to (son’s name’s) birthday party line up!” and all the boys lined up except for my brother because he wasn’t invited. She was basically ranting about how bad it was there and how teachers and parents were really uptight and snobby.

    My mom rants about elementary school a lot because she said the people there were really rude. I don’t know if you’re from the United States, but I went to elementary school in a city that is known for its “rude, closed off” people. A lot of the people there were apparently very rude and uptight.

    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #335600
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    I’m sorry again for the late reply. I had something come up regarding school but I’ll try to let you know so you know next time when I won’t reply as fast.

    As for the first post, yes I see how that is wrong. I just want to clarify, though, that my mom didn’t reveal that information to me until about 2 years ago (when I was 18). She didn’t tell me about what my teachers said until randomly when she was ranting about how bad my elementary school was. It still hurt to hear those things, though. I remember feeling really sad when my mom revealed my teachers thought I had autism. Because even though there is nothing wrong of with autism, it kind of validated this weird feeling I grew up having. I always grew up feeling out of place and different. Teachers never really cared for me, I was never a favorite student, I seemed indifferent to them. If my teachers did truly think I had autism, then I thought maybe my fear of people thinking I’m weird or different (a feeling I had and still have) is logical. Maybe that is where it came from, maybe I could sense how my teachers felt about me based on how they treated me. To clarify: there isn’t anything wrong with autism and I wouldn’t even care if I had it. However, considering that I’m not even close to having it based on tests, it makes me feel weird that people may have thought I did. I would understand if I DID have autism, but I don’t.

    But even though my parents never told me what my teachers said when I was young, I could still somewhat tell. I knew my parents would go in to speak to my teachers a lot, and once my parents told me (when I was around 9) that my teachers said they were going to hold me back a grade if I didn’t improve my test scores. I also knew that my teachers told my parents to take me to a therapist and other stuff. I don’t know if my parents ever specifically told me that my teachers suggested I see a therapist, but I may have just assumed because most of the therapy was based around school. My teachers would always call my parents in for meetings in order to improve my grades. For example, one time my parents when in for a meeting, when they came back we went out and bought 20 of my favorite toy at the time (they were these really small, cheap toys so it was easy to get), and my parents gave them to my teacher so they could give it to me every time I rose my hand. It was supposed to be a positive reinforcement for speaking in class. It somewhat worked, so maybe it was good, but those things were the hints. These things don’t seem outwardly bad. It seemed like my teachers cared about my grades and wanted me to improve. However, there is something off about it to me. Today, I’m a good student, a great one even. I get straight A’s and study a lot. I always pay attention in class.

    I think my inability to pay attention was definitely caused by pain. Whether that pain was anxiety, sadness, or whatever, I just had low self-esteem and didn’t think I could do well. I think those problems should’ve been solved, but they weren’t. And something was obviously causing the low self-esteem.

    And it makes sense that my mom may have used her own words when describing that teachers would say something was wrong with me.

    And lastly, I still can’t remember specifics if my mom ever said anything offensive, she probably didn’t or maybe I just forgot. But I just remember that my mom wasn’t as involved in my growing up as I think she should’ve been even though she was always there, she just wasn’t there for me emotionally.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Katie.
    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #335216
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    1. I don’t remember specifically what teachers would say in preschool, but I know my dad would try to help me learn the alphabet and I felt bad that I wasn’t picking up on it like other kids. I knew my dad had to help me because I wasn’t learning it. I actually don’t remember my preschool teachers talking to me much (maybe they did and I don’t remember or maybe they just didn’t), but my mom told me that they would say something is wrong with me to her and my dad. I think teachers would call my parents in for a parent-teacher conference and say “I don’t know what’s wrong with her but something is wrong, maybe she has autism.” I have considered that maybe I’m autistic but I highly doubt it because I’m aware of what’s going on socially and I just don’t really exhibit any symptoms. I also took tests online and I always come up as “not likely to be on the spectrum.” As for grammar schools, I also don’t remember my teachers talking to me much. I had one or two nice ones, but I remember I had a lot of mean ones who would yell at me instead of helping me. I had a lot of trouble paying attention in class, and teachers would be very nasty to me over it. I think that when teachers yelled at me for not paying attention, it hurt me more than it helped me. It wasn’t really a behavior problem that I had, my mind would just wander and I didn’t know how to bring it back. When teachers would yell at me, I think they thought I wasn’t paying attention because I was a bad student. But that actually wasn’t true, I wanted to pay attention but I just couldn’t. I felt sad that I couldn’t do well in school and I truly wanted to.

    2. My mom didn’t really say anything specifically to make me that way, but I think there were a few things she did. I don’t think she was as involved in my life as she should’ve been. I noticed everyone else’s mothers would stand up for them and fight for them, but my mom wasn’t really aware of when I was mistreated. Going off of what I said in the above paragraph, I feel that my mom should’ve defended me to the teachers that would yell at me. I wish my parents would’ve figured out what caused me to be unable to pay attention (maybe it was ADHD, maybe it was me dissociating because of how anxious I felt) and told my teachers that it’s not okay for them to yell at me as if I need to be punished for something I couldn’t help. I think all those times that people/teachers would try to punish me for things I couldn’t help, I became passive and believed something was wrong with me. I also should’ve told my parents what was happening, but I didn’t know there was anything to tell because I thought I was just a bad kid.

    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #335190
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Also, I just have a question. I don’t really know who else to ask because I just want an unbiased answer. Mayo Clinic states: “Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental health disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that appears minor or can’t be seen by others.” If it’s true that I have BDD and that I am thinking about a flaw that ‘appears minor or can’t be seen by others,’ how come 2 people have pointed out my flaws? I can understand my flaws being minor because I lived most of my life without even knowing of these flaws I have. They just kinda appeared one day when I began to feel extremely anxious about myself and was looking for what is wrong with me. However, my cousin pointed out my nose, and that makes me feel that is isn’t minor. Actually, I don’t think that I thought my nose was big until my cousin told me it was. Another girl (who I met at college and I used to be friends with but have since cut out because she is kinda toxic) would point out my small forehead. She would make fun of me for it. Do you think there could be something wrong with these 2 people? Because they are the only ones who pointed it out in my life. Or, could my flaws be noticeable to everyone but they are the only ones who say it out loud? I may just be ruminating right now, but if it’s true that these people are not normal by noticing my flaws, it helps me to understand that maybe I have no reason to worry about them. Maybe most people don’t even notice them. It’s just very confusing 🙁 I just want to make it clear that in my 20 years of living, these are the only two people in my life who have ever said anything negative about my appearance and even more so, the only 2 people who have ever pointed out specific things about my appearance.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Katie.
    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #335182
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yeah, that sounds like me. I ask the same question over and over. I just want somebody to say “your nose is not big” but I’ve also been told that many times, and I am never happy with it.

    And yeah, I would like to talk about it further here.  I remember growing up feeling that I was different and weird. I just always felt less than. Do you think it also could’ve also been the way teachers treated me when I was young? Before I entered school, I was a very confident girl. I remember thinking I was awesome and that I was able to do anything I put my mind to. But for some reason, all my memories (beginning from preschool) include me being shy, anxious, and even sad. I remember feeling extremely nervous as a 4-year-old to go up to a group of girls and ask to play with them. I had to talk myself into doing things like that even when I was just 4.  But how did that form? I also remember being very slow in learning the alphabet. I think teachers thought I had a learning disability. The thing is though, I don’t have a learning disability and I don’t think I ever did, I just didn’t feel motivated to learn it. Even though (knowing myself) I feel like I would’ve been really excited to learn the alphabet, but I think I was overwhelmed with so much anxiety as a child that I couldn’t focus.

    I had to see a therapist when I was 9 because teachers told my mom I needed one to find out what was wrong with me. I remember feeling really uncomfortable at the therapist’s office because I knew most kids did not go there. It just made me feel weird and like a loser. All the happy, cool, and normal kids did not go to therapists and I was socially aware enough to know that. My therapist would ask me questions and I would just answer with “I don’t know” and I was speaking as little as possible, which thinking back, was probably a reaction to me feeling uncomfortable and just not wanting to be there. The therapist wasn’t able to find anything wrong with me besides that I was very shy.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Katie.
    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #335038
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for the advice. I have been really busy recently, so I haven’t checked this website. Sorry for the late reply! I’ve been talking to some people in my classes and hopefully, I will end up with some friends soon.

    While the cousin and the friends situations are slowly being solved, I feel that I have another problem. I ruminate a lot and think about my problems all the time. My therapist and I have been working on stopping the rumination cycle, but I just want to get myself to stop altogether. I know that it takes time to stop these things, but I just want the thoughts to go away. I don’t want to have to fight off thoughts that come into my head all day. An example of something that I ruminate about is my nose. I’m pretty sure just seeing pictures of noses triggers me into ruminating about mine. It’s just a very confusing situation for me. I stumbled upon a subreddit called “BigNoseLadies.” There are a bunch of pictures of women with big noses on there. I clicked on it hoping to find some appreciation of big noses that would maybe cause me to appreciate mine. However, their noses were a lot bigger than mine. Like, extraordinarily bigger than mine. That’s what causes me to think and think and think. I wonder how could my nose be considered big if it looks nothing like these women’s noses. But then I see pictures of models and see that their noses are small and mine is not as small as theirs.

    That is an example of a thought that I just want to stop. I know that teaching myself to stop the thought process over time will stop be from ruminating. However, I just want to get rid of the thought from the source. I don’t want to be “triggered” by everything all the time. I just want to be normal. I just want to stop thinking my nose is big. Or, I want to get surgery so my nose will be so small that nobody could consider it big if that is what it will take (even though I am scared of surgery and really don’t want to do it). Stopping the rumination is one thing, but how do I just stop the thoughts from even coming to me?

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Katie.
    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #333033
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for the advice it is really helpful. I will do my best to implement it. I just feel that it is going to be very hard for me. It has always been extremely hard for me to confront my cousin about things like this. I have no idea why. I can confront her about little things, but nothing like this. I will try though.

    I am just worried about who I will have in my life. If it ends up that I have to end contact with her, I will have almost no one. I’m just growing apart from my best friends from home (I’m in college). They all have new lives and I have a new life too, but it’s been hard for me. I used to tell them everything and we were extremely close. I never thought we would drift apart.

    Over winter break, I thought it would be like normal and we’d hang out every day like we used to. But, we didn’t. I made an effort to try to hang out with them and most of them were busy but my best friend who I was closest to just chose to hang out with her other friends over me.

    The only person I truly feel close to is my boyfriend which is why I am still sane but it doesn’t seem healthy. I’m 100% fine when I’m hanging out/talking with him and I do not feel lonely at all because we are very close. He’s my best friend. However, I can’t hang out with him all the time. I need other people I can depend on besides him. I also have my cousin but I’ve distanced myself, and I’m trying to get myself to confront her.

    Something else that is important to note: one of my new year’s resolutions is to make friends (whether that be in my classes, clubs, or just out). Yet, that resolution has been seeming to cause me more pain than hope. I feel a lot of pressure to make friends and I’m hard on myself when it doesn’t work. I actually felt physically ill after the ball dropped at midnight because I was thinking about how I am probably not going to make friends despite thinking up a bunch of goals and plans on how I’m going to do it. Everyone keeps telling me “just stop sulking and make an effort” but I just can’t. I’ve been dealing with these problems for over a year now and I’m stuck. It just seems like one problem leads to another. I enter an abusive relationship -> I stop making friends and become isolated, my self-esteem lowers -> I cling onto my abusive ex-boyfriend (current boyfriend at the time) for a sense of comfort -> I have to break up with him for my own well-being -> I end up feeling extremely vulnerable -> my cousin says mean things and I let it lower my self-esteem even more than the old relationship did because  I can’t confront her or end contact with her -> I end up just distancing myself from her -> I end up clinging onto my current boyfriend for support/comfort but at least he respects me and treats me correctly -> I become closed off around my friends because they do not understand me like my boyfriend does -> I become closed off around everyone -> I feel even more lonely and sad -> my self-esteem goes even lower ->, etc. I don’t know how to break this cycle.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Katie.
    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #332755
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you, I am glad too. Here is my list:

    1) “You would look so pretty with a nose job” “You need a nose job” “Your nose is slightly big. Don’t worry you can always get a nose job” etc. Her opinion on my nose bothers me because I never had a problem with it before she said something. She is the only person in my 20 years of living that has told me my nose is big. After she said it, I couldn’t stop inspecting it in the mirror. She may have said it because:

    a) she wanted to hurt my feelings and make me aware of my flaws to lower my self-esteem b) she is socially inept and thinks its normal to point out things about people’s faces c) she is just honest/critical and thinks I get told this all the time d) she has body dysmorphia and is pushing her warped perceptions onto me out of obliviousness.

    2) “You’re not good at this subject” “You aren’t smart” “You shouldn’t do this because it’s too hard for you” etc. This bothers me because she only says this about things I am passionate about. If I like something and work hard on it, she always tells me I’m not good. She even says this about things I am objectively good at.

    a) she wants to hurt my feelings and lower my self-esteem b) she is threatened by me taking on difficult challenges c) she genuinely doesn’t think I’m smart enough and just wants to be honest

    3) “Your boyfriend isn’t good-looking” “your boyfriend is a loser” etc. The reasons why this bothers me are obvious. She is being plain rude.

    a) she is just extremely judgemental and is too vocal about it b) she doesn’t want me to enjoy my boyfriend and wants to make me second guess my choice to date him c) she liked my ex-boyfriend better and she says this to make me want to break up with my current one

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Katie.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by Katie.
    in reply to: I don't know how much more I can take #332119
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    Yes, that makes sense. I actually just got out of my therapy appointment and that thought (about my cousin enforcing my shyness) came to my mind. My therapist was asking me, “what does being confident look like to you?” and “what do you think you would be like if you were confident?” And I was imagining myself if I were more confident. My answers to those questions were that confidence is trusting your own opinions. I also said confidence is accepting yourself for who you are and even being happy with who you are. I have definitely gained some confidence since I’ve been in therapy, so answering this question was somewhat easy. However, I felt that if I were to become that confident person that I imagined, it would be an odd pairing with my cousin. I wondered: would she be afraid of saying those things to me if she knew I would never allow it? Would she be happy with me being happy with myself? How would she treat me? How would I treat her?

    However, it still confuses me because I don’t know if she would or wouldn’t be happy with my confidence. I guess that in the end, her feelings shouldn’t matter as much as my own feelings. And the truth is that she hurts my feelings.

    But then I also wonder why my cousin says those things at all. I know other people like my cousin who say things to me without a care. I feel like most people who know me know that I’m very shy, insecure, emotionally-impressionable, etc. If I imagine myself in their shoes, and I knew that someone is very shy and insecure, I would never say anything if I thought it may hurt them.

    In the end, I just want to be confident enough to not care when my cousin says these things and maybe I would be more able to end contact with her if I didn’t tolerate it.

     

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