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Karen

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  • #70569
    Karen
    Participant

    Thank you loveisfree for your kind words.
    Yes, I’m in college… I’m 18, actually. I’m… trying to convince myself I felt good things toward him. Even though I screwed things up bad, there was a good side to it. He opened up to me about pains that he couldn’t get over and even though I felt bad, I always tried to be there for him. He once said that I had been his pillar through this semester, and that I was his savior. Now I don’t know whether he takes back these words…

    #70321
    Karen
    Participant

    Oh, dear…
    I’ve been in his place. It was terrible because I knew I didn’t love him anymore and no matter what I did, how much I tried, I couldn’t force love, couldn’t make this relationship right. We had a (somewhat) messy breakup. And I regret that I wasted his time, I regret that some of his first experiences were with someone not in love with him.
    Anyways if this is the case with your boyfriend, it pains me to say this but I don’t think you can work it out. It’s not your fault. It’s not his. It will hurt to part ways… but well, we all face pain and frustration. I’ve had my share for the first time, and I’m angry at myself, and I’m angry at life, but I know the healthiest thing to do is accept this defeat and move on.
    You deserve a partner on the same page as you. You can be happy while single, ove you’re over the pain. And one day someone else will appear and you’ll love again, and you won’t regret this decision.
    It’s hard when love goes wrong. My heart goes out to you.

    #70198
    Karen
    Participant

    My own therapist said I should have no regrets and shouldn’t let him keep me from doing whatever I wanted with my life, since I wasn’t his girlfriend. Why the hell did I listen… I thought that looming feeling of guilt was the thing I should defy and beat. Now I see it was a friend I should have listened to. I thought doing this meant reinforcing myself… now I only see it as ignoring my values, my inner self.
    I was pure evil. I betrayed and abandoned him. I hate myself for what I did.

    #70181
    Karen
    Participant

    Thank you all for your lovely responses. You people have great hearts.
    But somehow my story gets even uglier.
    I had already broken up with my boyfriend simply because I wasn’t in love with him anymore (even though I still cared deeply, admired him, and knew he was a gem). It was 3 months of us trying to save an unsavable relationship. Just… without my permission, my passion for him started to slip away. And there wasn’t a single damn thing I could do about it. I must have read every page on the Internet about long term relationships. I tried to fix it in every way I could. And in the end, I just wasted both our times.
    Anyways when I broke up, I thought I’d feel relieved, because that’s how dumpers are supposed to feel. But I didn’t. I entered a turmoil of guilt and confusion and other things I can’t even name, I had never felt before. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the cheating. I wanted to be forgiven, desperately, I wanted peace. So I told him the whole truth only after we part.
    Now that I think about it, I should have spared him from this pain. We could maintain a friendly contact. Again, I screwed up badly. Again, I was selfish. Again, I was impulsive.
    And we’re going to see each other everyday for the next four years.
    I want to die. The least I could do was to love him. Now, do you still believe I deserve any good? I’m no good. This is unforgivable. I hope nobody else will be unfortunate enough to love me.

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